My sweetheart and I have thought about moving for…well…quite a while now. We’ve visited several cities up and down the East coast; in fact, tomorrow we’re going to Virginia for a week.
In the last year, my two best friends have moved to other parts of Florida and, honestly, since I’ve been working out of my home, I haven’t been diligent about finding new cohorts to hang out with simply because in the back of my mind I’m going to be living in another area…soon…within the next year…someday.
My reasons for leaving are –
1) this isn’t my home, I moved in with my sweetheart 10 years ago, and, although, I’ve tried to make it my home, it’s hasn’t really worked out.
2) My children (son in upstate NY, daughter in Myrtle Beach, SC) can’t afford to come visit me here (at least they say they can’t) and I get tired of flying up to see them once a year to be the visiting mom.
3) The summer heat is getting to me, but the winter cold used to get to me. Hmmm.
We had almost decided to move back where I grew up near Ithaca, NY. My son is there and has a girlfriend and, in my own mind, it’s merely a matter of time before they get married and have kids. Every grandmother wants to know her grandkids, right?
The thing is – do I want to go back home? I have many friends who still there from childhood and working buddies from over the years. But, I’ve changed a ton since I left Ithaca 10 years ago. Will they still be my friends? Will I want them as friends?
Home also has an ex-husband who doesn’t speak to me, a sister who doesn’t speak to me, extended relatives that love me, and a lot of memories both good and bad.
So we’ve put off the homeward bound move for now and decided to look at VA because it would be approximately 7 hours away from my children either way. That would be nice for holidays, long weekends, etc.
Mind you, not once since I’ve talked about moving back to the north have my children said anything positive about it. My daughter (36) reminds me of how depressed I was during the winter months and the loooooong gray days. She’s right. My son (34) just mentioned recently that he may move out of the area. He doesn’t like the weather either. So, grandkids? Who knows?
I guess I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing by displacing my sweetie and me because I want to be closer to my kids that I’ve lived away from for 10 years. And why do I? Is it guilt? Is it loneliness? Sometimes yes, sometimes I’m glad to be away from the family dramas and when everybody knows what everybody is doing.
I also look for my interests such as writing groups, book stores, plays, social watering holes, when I visit a potential city, but I have those things here, although, I’ve been in a rut lately. What I don’t have is my children who have their own lives now, but I want to be a part of their lives again. Not just by phone, text, and Skype.
As a mother, a writer, a boomer woman with a wonderful man, and occasionally suffers with depression, I wonder if I’ll be happy just being closer to my children or should I just snap out of it, move to a condo on Ft. Lauderdale beach and live out my life with a great tan and access to numerous tiki bars.
Can a mother go home again? Should she?
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Ah, the restless spirits we have. It’s hard to know what to do. I am looking at eligibility to retire in the next 5 years, and starting to think about where I would be happiest. I and my husband live in VA – we have a daughter now in college, who at this point, wants to study abroad, and maybe eventually live, in Argentina.
And I am jealous of her. My DH wants to eventually move within this area of Virginia, but just to be more outside the city we now live in – I guess sort of suburbia. I have a bro who lives in Georgia, and I think I would rather live there, than here. Or in Argentina (hablo espanol un poco). I think I just want a change – to not just get lost out in suburbia, with all the same houses all lining the themed streets.
But it would mean leaving friends, familiar places. I also wonder if I am just bored with my life, and may also be having unrealistic ideas about somewhere else being so much better.
I love my DH, but he does not want so much adventure at this point in life. He wants dinner on the table at a predictable time, and it should be the same old same old, as far as the food goes. I wonder if I will just go crazy, and buy a red convertible, and start wearing odd clothing, because life is so mundane and routine.
So I feel your pain, but have no wisdom to share. The climate in VA is very nice. There are lots of things to do here – beaches, mountains, culture, history. I can’t say anything bad, really, except possibly about traffic being a challenge.
Please don´t even dream of moving to Argentina! The country is broke and ruled by a basket case. It is more expensive than lots of cities in the US. Nothing works and poverty has increased dramatically. It is dangerous and unsafe. Since last week all monuments in Buenos Aires are in the dark because city government has failed to pay the electricity bill. Garbage is not picked up regularly and traffic is a nightmare. Find something you love doing and go for it!
Wow, Red, We have a lot in common. We also live in the burbs, and living near or in a downtown is on our list of criteria. We’re looking at Charlottesville and Richmond, so we’ll see. I do currently own a little red convertible!! It was to celebrate menopauss and it was fun for a while, but I’m ready for something higher off the ground.
I’d like to ask you more about VA, but I’m off to pack for our trip.
Thanks for your input and let’s hope both of us find what we’re looking for.
I’m actually preparing to move from NY to Italy. I am leaving behind my two adult daughter and three grandchildren…it was a hard decision but I get to retire early (58) and live in a beautiful country, on the riviera, and never worry about the expense of health insurance, never worry that one illness will ruin us financially.
Planes go both ways and my kids will come visit once a year. I have been lucky to be a grandma since age 45 and both of my kids are in good places.
As for you, before you consider moving north again, I want you to picture the snow, ice and sleet again. I live in upstate NY Poughkeepsie and I can tell you that our winters here have been full of ice lately. I hate driving on ice. I hate walking on ice. I know more women who have broken bones in the last few years on ice than I care to count. It is a major factor for us moving. I never want to shovel again. Even if you move into a condo, you still have to arrive at your car and spend time defrosting, chipping away at the ice hoping you don’t break the glass, all the while freezing your arse off.
Do you really want to deal with that again? Nostalgia can make terrible decisions for us. Truly, you are only a few hrs away from your kids. When we are not happy, we always think that a geographical move will make us happy. It’s an illusion.
Just my two cents.
We have been down here in Northern Va for about 5 years now after moving from Long Island to a 55 and over active retirement community. Our daughter just graduated from college with her master’s in teaching and is thinking that she wants to re-locate eventually back to NY. Our other daughter lives in Orlando with her familay and we have a son who lives near us (30 minutes away) with a family and grandkids who we never see (they see her family all the time). We are saddened as well that we are not part of their families but have decided to make our life here. Both my DH and I grew up visiting our grandparents all the time and they were very much a part of our lives. Seems as if times have changed for some families (although not all) and the importance of having familiy around is not a priority anymore. We also looked at Charlottesville but it was too far away from our son, so we settled on Northern Va closer to DC. Good luck Vonnie on whatever you decide!
No matter what decision you make there will be pros and cons. If you truly want to satisfy your need to be close to your children you would need to make sure you’re doing it for YOU and for your grandchildren. You have to make sure you don’t have any expectations about how your children will accept your presence in their lives. Sometimes they feel like it’s an intrusion on their lives because now they have to consider you in nearly all decisions they make for their family.
UNLESS you have the kind of relationship where they express the wish that you lived closer, then it’s clear that they want you nearby. In the next year I will be moving away from 2 of my kids and 3 of my grandchildren. I’ve been here for 16 years but the grandkids are all teenagers and they don’t “need” me as much as my 3 smaller g-kids in Texas where the oldest one is 9, so I feel like I want to create some G-ma memories for a few years. Let me tell you, I do NOT like the heat, but my Son and his wife actually said they were hoping I’d chose to move down there.
Ta Da!! That’s all it took. I will manage somehow….keep telling myself it’s only until they’re all too old to want to be around Grandma. 
I live in the same city as my two daughters and grandchildren – 3 of them – 20 months, 24 months and the other coming up in November. I would never think of moving away, even an hour’s drive. I want to be close to be able to give a hand when needed – for example my daughter’s babysitter is taking more time off this summer and I baby sit my 20 month old one day a week for August. On the weekends, I take one of the babies for a half-day or an evening to give the parents a break and to build a relationship with the babies – and holidays, birthdays are a family affair. For me it’s not about liking the cold and snow (I am in eastern Canada), it’s about family.
When I was 55 and knew I’d be getting a divorce, I was living in Florida, where I really didn’t want to be. I wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest, so I made a 1-year plan to get there and have been in the PNW now for over 2 years, and love it here. It was important to me to move where it would almost never be too hot or too cold, and I don’t mind drizzly rain.
My daughter was just out of a relationship and moved to the PNW with me. She has a full-time job now and a nice boyfriend, and though we share an apartment, she is seldom home. I telecommute from home and babysit our dogs. She may marry this fellow or move in with him eventually, and I will be alone. She does not want children and neither does he, so I do not expect I will ever be a grandmother. That doesn’t particularly bother me; I would love grandchildren if I had them, but won’t be terribly unhappy if I don’t.
My ex-husband lives in the area, and though we are on friendly terms, we are not continually in touch. My parents have passed away. My sister lives in the midwest, where I grew up and considered returning, but it’s not the right place for me anymore. I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, but neither of us is planning to move to the other’s area.
So my plan at this point is to build a family for myself here, in the area I love. I am working on that, getting involved with groups that interest me; when I retire I will work part-time outside the home or do volunteer work. If my daughter eventually moves to another area, I will still remain here; I don’t want to follow her around the country, if it comes to that.
So my point is, I think you need to live where you are happiest. For me, that means the weather, the topography, the culture that I want and enjoy most, regardless of family ties, of which, admittedly, I have few.
Best wishes on whatever decision you make that is right for you!
A agree with classicane. I left a city I loved because I felt guilty being so far from my grown kids in the Midwest, and I thought reconnecting with them would make me happy. Huge mistake. My kids have their own lives and are not overly concerned with my happiness.
It has been eight years since I left the city I love, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of it. I will move back when the economy improves. I have to because settling and being unhappy is not acceptable.
I guess the bottom line is: live in a place that makes your heart sing. Your kids will make the choices they will make. How will you feel if you move closer to them and they decide to move away.
Always follow your bliss. You have more to give the ones you love when you are true to yourself. That is a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
Dreaming of the Pacific Northwest.
Thank you all for such great comments. Everyone of you have helped in my decision. I’ll be writing a new post later this week with an update.
Thanks again everybody. xoxo