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betrayal from ungrateful adullt son Most Liked Hot Conversation

I am distressed, humiliated and hurt by my 40 years old only son for whom I sacrificed and devoted my entire life. I have been the best mother I am a widow and been treated very badly by my son. (there was never an argument or anything that will cause any negative actions. on the contrary , I did everything by the book. 

I am extremely deppressed, can’t talk to anyone as I have built a wonderful image of my son. He was my golden child. Unique loving and well mannered.

He lives 3000 miles away, no communication , other than a short minute call from time to time.

I have spent my fortune for him and I put him where he is now with great carreer. He is married to a woman from hell. very dysfunctional and abnormal, who has decided, no doubt, that the moment she grabs her man she will alienate everyone and distroy all his past. From the moment i Met her she barely says Hello , In my entire life I have never encounter a person or imagine someone like her. I am very well loved and liked by everyone, People unknowne on the street will smile when I pass. With all my proper qualities and being a Lady, I even lowered my standard to her level. Nothing worked. I was invited to visit them on the west coast. I stayed in hotel most of all my time waiting to be asked to visit. When I did, it was short, she stayed in her room, No Hello and she made sure their son was out all day so I don’t spend time with. It is an awfull and sick behavior. like I was asked to come to be hurt again by their uncalled bad behavior. Knowing perfectly that I was going to leave and pretend that nothing happened.

He is the bread winner. She has nothing to offer, I am deceived, very in pain, depressed with no energy left .My regret is to have been too good of the mother. too polite and well mannered to say anything. Unfortunately I was never giver the chance to say how I feel. since he avoid any occasion to be alone.

Need somme advice.  Thank you

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Posted in family & relationships.

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40 Responses

  1. Generic Image Jender says

    I think you’re going to have to pay attention to your own life, instead of focusing so much on how much you feel wronged. If you think about your son, 100% of the time, you’re going to feel 100% pain. If you think of your son 2% of the time, you’ll feel 2% pain.

    And learn how to wait.

    That’s what I’m trying to do in a situation that is in some ways similar.

    6 like

    • Generic Image Orly says

      Thank you Jender for your quick response. Yes , yopur response is the best solution, unfortunately I have not been able to focuse lass. but will try as I just returned from the trip where I was Invited to go for the birth of his second child Feb. 3rd. I saw very little of the baby. minutes… here and there. It was awful as if I was begging.

      After spending most of the time in my hotel crying,  I took back the first plane I could to return home.. Born and educated in Europe, I have not mastered the english language. and sorry for mistakes.

      I appreciate so much your help. Thank you 

      Orly

      2 like

      • Generic Image Dusty says

        It seems to me and believe me I am in a very similar situation with a daughter-in-law from hell and a son that after many many years is now finally becoming much more communicative.  I just hugged him told him that I loved him and would always be there for him but that I had to much self respect to allow myself to get into situations like that .  I then went on with continuing to make a very happy fulfilling life for myself knowing that no one can do to us other than what we allow them to do. What happened in the transition is that I no longer care how they treat me because I know that I have this one life to live and it is full of wonderful people that God has blessed me with.  Nothing would be better for you, your son or your daughter-in-law than to see how happy and busy you are.  It also show a much better way of life to the grand children and in our case the great-grandchildren.

        Enjoy the blessings God has been trying to provide for you by stepping away from the negativity that blocks them and drains your heart.

        Take control of your own life through God’s love.  It isn’t always easy but it always more healthy.

        7 like

      • Generic Image Orly says

        Thank you Dusty.  Your thoughtful letter really warmed my heart. It took many years to finally make the decision ( the one you that you did) and t I wasn’t able to keep before ,because of  My son YOYO contacts , thinking that he’s back to his senses and then not hearing from him. I will learn to make a life for myself.. as someone here at VBN say that If you think about your son, 100% of the time, you’re going to feel 100% pain. If you think of your son 2% of the time, you’ll feel 2% pain.

        I will try to work on this and take control of my life though God’s love. I know it won’t be easy ,  it will lot of suffering  but it is the healthy and best solution.

        Thank you Dusty, Take care

        All Good Wishes and Blessing.

        Orly

         

        1 like

  2. Tamara Tamara says

    Is he an only child? Do you have any other children you are close to and can discuss the situation? How long has he been married? Did you have troubles with his wife from the start?

    1 like

    • Generic Image Orly says

      Yes, He is my only son, my controling husband who past away 5 years ago, after 36 years of being married to him , made me have 3 abortions . he didn’t want children , including this son, he was afraid to loose me./

      Of course I regret a lot not having more children.. I was too young and in love with older man , erudite and very manipulative . I couldn’t doubt anything that he said. He was very persuasive , charming and controling.

      My son married 5 years ago after Ithe death of his father. He told me weeks after. later when they had the first child, I knew that she was pregnant…I never had any touble with his wife or with him. She never spoke or tried to say any hum an word., sometimes hello. . I know nothing about her, but learned she has a born retarded sister and a mentally always sick mother.  I never met any. There were never there at the birth or birthday of the boy.

      I have never been at ease with her , I noticed many really bad behavior, but never said a word. just felt sorry for my son. 

      He sais that he is happy but from what I saw, I doubt it.. still it is his life. We never had a genuine conversation and whenever I asked.. his answer was he is fine and that he is too busy.

      The few times that I visited in 5 years, I returned with broken heart and crying. about what I saw and that I was never had the opportunity to tell my son how his bad, cold behavior was not acceptable .

      His wife is a specy I don’t know how to describe, she just behave as if I don’t exist. People say that she is very jalous and can’t compete with me. But I never gave the reason to be. Au contraire, I wrote beautiful letters. gifts. everything. She has never made even one call, in 5 years. or addressed me in any way.

      It is a very bizarre situation that myself can’t understand. I really wish that there was something that caused any of. this. But I blame my son for allowing this to take place

      I appreciate your response and thank you Tamara

      Broken heart. ORLY

       

       

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      • Generic Image Jender says

        I don’t want to hurt your feelings even more … but in some ways I identify with your daughter-in-law. You seem very concerned with how she treats you. I don’t know much about how you treat her, but wonder how you convey that she’s not at your level.

        Remember, please, as you read this, at this time, I do have an adult son who will not speak to me.

        My mother, perhaps like your daughter in law’s, has been mentally ill for my entire life. I also was once the daughter in law of a woman who adored her son and did  not want him to be attached to another woman. (Cupid and Psyche, my therapist called the situation). This was a factor in the break-up of our marriage.

        You write “With all my proper qualities and being a Lady, I even lowered my standard to her level.” It’s clear you seem to think that you’re better than your daughter-in-law, who, with a mentally retarded sister, probably didn’t get much attention or nurturing.  If I were in her shoes, I would find this attitude toward me hurtful and insulting.

        You clearly judge her and find her lacking. Is that communicated in your body language, your eyes, your focus on your son?

        A client taught me table manners, parallel parking, etc. when I was in my forties. Most likely, you would have found fault with me then, and perhaps now. I’m not European.  I don’t know what you consider bad behavior . . . is she unkind, inattentive, hurtful to your son?

        I wonder about your expectations . . . they have three very young children. She’s no doubt exhausted. Do you ever offer to, say, take the older one(s) out for a bit . . . to the zoo, to the acquarium, to the park . . . on your own, without your son or cook a meal for them or do the laundry? I don’t know the situation.

        And now, my wild imagination, your son could not “rescue” you from his father, perhaps he is “rescuing” his wife.

        And my last thought, if necessary, do you protect your son from his father, who you describe in negative terms? My mother failed to protect me. 

        2 like

      • Generic Image Orly says

        No Jender. You have it all wrong.  I had no expectation I treated her well ,  I tried everything. I don’t know her or much about her. nor she ever tried to have any conversation or anything else. She was always in her room , the few times I was told to visite. 

        At this point all I know is my son reacts strangely when in her presence. He is fine when we are alone. still unable to have a personal conversation.

        I jave said that I tried to put myself at her level. I am very reserved and well mannered  and have accepted her totally without any negative thought, and with open arms. I’ve tried everything, to the point that now she terrifies me.  I am scared of her. I am absolutely lost , I don’t know how anyone can react to her.

        My husband past away 5 1/2 years ago. I have only one son. My husband wanted me to even abort him.

        If my husband was alive,  he will never let my son marries any woman this one or another. He was very controling and in case I leave him , he will have a son to take care of him,

        My husband was much ol;der that I am. and my son’s wife is older than he is.

        Thank you for your response. I tried

        Orly

        0 like

  3. Mermaid Mermaid says

    Dear Orly, I can almost feel your pain in the way you write about this subject. This is just a suggestion, who knows, maybe it will work: Why don’t you try writing your son a very long letter in which you express everything that you want to talk to him about and ask him to please answer the letter, so you can understand better what is going on? Ask him to tell you in his answer if you did anything wrong or if anything is bothering him. Maybe he will be able to write better than he is able to speak of what is bothering him. Some people are just better at that, than they are at speaking out face to face.

    1 like

    • Generic Image Orly says

      Dear Mermaid

      I have tried everything, he never answred my letters. he avoided any personal conversation in years, the only thing that he says is that he is busy.He has said that I was the best mother,and that  he loves me.  but his actions are totally different from his words. particularly in presence of his wife.   My letter to vibrant, might not have given the proper meaning as English is not my prime language. But I can assure that I have  never said or did anything to provoque any of the alienation. I wish that there was any wrong I did, I will welcome any blame and will probably wil feel  even better that I did deserve it. I devoted and sacrificed totally all my life to my son ,who will never dny it. He was my golden boy. Unfortunately my husband took credit for lots that I did.( What’s difference he will say? you or me? He was very manipulative and controling, chartming and erudite man. he was afraid to loose me every day./

      I am blessed by good friends who have witnessed his upbringing since he was born. The friends that are aware of the actual situation are shocked and and disappointed of him. The sadeness is  I kept it out from family and friends. I  am still protecting him and his image.

      As for the DIL, she can never have a better MIL, I leave 3500 miles away, she never called . wrote or anything from the time we met. I have welcomed her and wrote that I will looking to have a daughter I never had. etc.. No answer.or anything.

      I can assure you that The DIL has planed that the moment she grabs her man,to alienate everyone around him, and erase his passed life. It is very obvious.  The dil, never spoke to me or tried to have a relationshil as far as I she is concerned , I don’t exist.

      I don’t know much about her except her mean behavior and , lack of everything . I saw them only once or twice a year. and she was always in her room. On the birth of their son, I was invited to visite. stayed in hotel, then my son asked to come to help him an hour before other guests arrive. When I suggested to move certain things from the shelves to make space for the serving  plates, she burst running from her room screaming.” why don’t you do it yourself, you have been a hostess and had many parties,,,,To this day, I can’t understand it. It was unsane. all I remember is I was speechless. my sonn said nothing, I took my bag , left crying to my hotel.

      She called next day, to apologize that she blames her hormones.

      the second intercation was whrn she gave me the baby to hold and second later she came again running, baby started to cry. she spoke so fast I don’t know what she said. it was abolutely crazy.  I felt sorry for my son . Again I said not a word ald left crying. It was definitely sick, I wish that I can say otherwise.

      Each time I tried to do the nicest thing on this planet, I never received a thank you, a hello, or anything proper in response. From what I noticed, I can say a lot of abnormal behavior on her part but I won’t. I blame my son who is not trying to correct the situation. He is not good at confrontation and so he avoids it.

      After 9 months, I just returned from a trip where I was invited to visit for the birth of second child. 3rd.altercation, day before I was leaving, she called to say that she didn’t want me to come to the hospital and hang up.

      Needless to say how I was feeling, when my son called he didn;t say anything

      but asked for my flight yo send a car service.  I stayed most of the time in my hotel room waiting for a call, I was 2 blocks away. I saw little of them or the children. minutes here or there. I took back the first plane I could find. All my friends said to come back home quick. I am very sensitive heartbroken

      I  never imagined in my life anything like this.?  It was to be a joyous occasion ??? I am very deceived , I hope that my son regain his sense of right and wrong.

      Thank you Mermaid and appreciate you all for your help and response.

      With Blessings. Orly

       

       

       

      1 like

      • Mermaid Mermaid says

        Dear Orly,

        Thank you for your reaction on my small contribution to the subject. For me too, English is not my main language; I was born and raised in a small country in South America and I am living in the USA for almost two and a half year now, married to a wonderful American citizen.

        I read all you posts on the subject and the reactions you got from all the nice ladies here at VN. All we can do for one and other is listen and bring ideas to the table, in the hope that there will be a solution somewhere in there. Some problems in life are just not as easy as they appear on the surface; all we can do is try, and if it doesn’t work, we should not let ourselves become the victims of other people their bad behavior.

        Back the problem at hand though, it seams that the trouble is totally with your DIL. Probably your son loves this woman and no matter how crazy this may sound, she probably loves him too in her own selfish way and for whatever reason (we cannot read people’s minds, but there must be some reason up in her brains) she is afraid that she has to compete with his mother for the love of this man. Therefore, she probably thinks she has to control your son’s life and maybe your sons just doesn’t want to have fights with her about any subject, so your son is probably afraid to speak out in front of her and he also doesn’t want to choose sides, so the best thing for him is to just accept the things the way they are and not show any emotions when his wife attacks his mother, because that is what is happening in the brief moments that the two of you are together.

        I know that you have tried your very best and therefore I am wondering, have you tried to write her a long letter to make her see that there is no reason at all for her to behave the way she does towards you? Don’t accuse her of anything, choose your words tactfully! I can read between the lines that you really are a very considerate person, so, I don’t doubt your ability to write her a letter that will make her understand that you are not trying to attack her, compete with her or be mean to her in any way. Let her know that you just want to be a MIL and a grandmother to your grandchildren and that you have no desire whatsoever to stick your nose in her household or to compete with her for the love of your son.

        I know, dear Orly, that it is easy to stand on the sideline and try to give advice; it must be difficult enough for you as it is. And no matter what people say to you, as a mother, you want to know, you are searching for answers. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will not blame yourself for this huge emotional problem that you are in the middle of, against your will.

        1 like

      • Generic Image Orly says

        Dear Mermaid

        Thank you for your wonderful letter. Your perception and comprehension are totally correct in my situation.  I have written to DIL a letter I sent last November.  here is a copy. I have not mentioned anything about her attitude and lack of everything . I wrote also a letter to my son sent with a copy to his wife.

        Dear  A.

        I am taking the liberty of writing to you in a last ditch attempt to heal any rift between us. I know you love my son as I do  and I am sure you can see how the absence of a normal parent child  relationship is hurting him as well.  that is  unnecessary and uncalled for., considering our love for each other. As you well  know I am not the mother-in-law imposing type pictured in many books. On the contrary I am the opposite , very reserved and well mannered type. .I have respected you, respected your demands, your privacy, and all… Never imposed , interfered in any way or asked for anything. I live over 3500 miles away and all I get in many years, is “a short phone call from my son.  It is very very sad for any mother and particularly the one that had  to give up years and lot of her life, go through a troublesome and complicated life with my husband for her only son. I never imagined this to happen, Iam feeling helpless. i need to do this for my own well being and stop the hurt and sadness that’s consuming me. The whole situation has inflicted me years of pain.

        It is tragic that We have lost many years that could have been very fruitful and would have brought us only joy. If there is any misunderstanding or conflict or anything, I can’t wish anything better than to clear  any confusion and  fix it, instead of avoiding to talk about anything , avoidance doesn’t work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts., It makes things worse. I am totally in a dark for what reason brought this adversity. I have been walking on eggshells for many years. I truly believe in the power of changes in the people you love. Why not try, after all ,what’s more important than family.!

        I am looking forward to put everything behind us and put a happy start. I just want to be part of my son’s life and his family. I am counting on you  B… to make this happen, don’t let me down. You understand how terribly difficult it is to be a parent.

        I know that  G       is struggling  with this situation as well. I know my son very well, he is sensitive and compassionate and knows better that anyone else his good mother,  all the sacrifices I had to endure and accept for him. I have built his self worth, preparing him to leave home emotionally and physically.

        I love my grand son and miss him so much, and hardly can wait to meet my future grand daughter.   I have tried on several occasion to reach you, to establish any natural connection between us.  I wish that you too.do the same , I am longing to gain a daughter I never had.,and catching up with lost time with your reply.

        I have battled for long time to write, I was hoping that it won’t be necessary,  particularly after my last trip to LA last April , where I was feeling that our relationship has warmed up and improved a lot. Helas , after I returned home , I was made to feel that I don’t exist at all. I was so happy in LA and now feeling raw with pain.

        I am looking forward to put everything behind us and put a happy start. I just want to be part of my son’s life and his family. I am counting on you A… to make this happen, don’t let me down. You understand how terribly difficult it is to be a parent.

        Lots of Love and Hugs

        O

        I never received a response  , a call or anything. When I asked my son. He said something like. doesit need a response??? 

        Thank you Mermaid for your wonderful and kind letter.

        Good Wishes

        Blessings. Orly

        0 like

      • Generic Image LadySunshine says

        Dear Orly, sounds like your heart is breaking. You have such a sad situation. Especially being alone.

           Your situation is much like ours. …have an only child, a son who is 30, married 3 yrs. Now one child.  Upon his marriage, he pretty much dropped out of our lives. His wife is quite immature and sharing him with his heritage is not in her game plan.  I like your term … your son makes ‘YoYo’ contacts. So does ours … several times a year, he makes plans to come over and never shows up. Haven’t really has a pleasant conversation with him since before his marriage.  He lives 10 minutes away.

         

        You are blessed by good friends … how fortunate you are!! My suggestion to you is to spend your time with people who want to be with you.  Seek out your friends and make new ones.  I have lots of friends, but very few with whom I could confide in about my son’s estrangement from us.  You are fortunate to have the support of friends. 

           I have found that some younger women these days are more possessive and intolerant than the way you and I were brought up.  No matter what culture (European or US).  They don’t feel that marriage means entering into an extended family. Some women feel it’s the opportunity for the walls to come down and separate their man from his parents and heritage.  I truly think this is a phenomenon specific to women.  Don’t know ANY man who upon getting married imposes on his wife that she no longer associates with her parents or grandparents. For me, accepting this has helped my deep grief.  To lose a child is the worst thing …. to lose a child by being cut off from them and having them reject you is worse yet.  I tell myself that if our son is truly satisfied with a life without knowing his parents and heritage, then I need to stay away and go on with my own life.  It’s taken two years of hard work to get to this point.   … and then some month comes around and my son attempts a ‘YoYo’ contact and the scar comes off the deep broken heart! 

         God bless you …

         

        0 like

      • Generic Image Orly says

        Thank you Sunshine  for your comforting letter . As I leatned. You have to be in same situation to understand others. I also leatned that my sad situation is far from unique. And for those who have written that you get what what you give. is nonsence and totally untrue.

        Several books been written and some recent statistic have showed that abusive parents have better relationship with their children,,,

        MY DIL choose to erase my son’ wonderful past , she was raised by an aunt and grand mother.

        Sunshine. I am in concert with you and have taken a firm decision to let go. It will be lot of suffering and tears that affect me emotionally and physically . I no longer can bear their unacceptable conduct and uncalled for behaviour.

        Warm appreciation and Thank you so much

        God Bless you too Sunshine. Orly

         

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      • Generic Image Orly says

        I am Sorry, but Thank you Lady Sunshine

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      • Generic Image LadySunshine says

        Dear Orly, it’s been VERY difficult for me to ‘let go’ (don’t like that term) … or to continue existing and to find my equilibrium again.  Most days I’m ‘OK’ with life … not joyful like I used to be.  There are days when I recede back into the sadness and grief and those days are very bleak.   But they are getting fewer and farther apart.  Holidays are the worst. Yes, lots of suffering and tears.  But as I said, if our sons are truly satisfied with their lives that don’t involve associating with their parents, then as their mothers we ought to respect their decision — not agree with it or like it — and find our self identify and whatever joy we can outside of being a mother.  That’s a tough one, really!  Since it means giving up amost all hope!

        God bless you as you continue on this journey.  You are not alone, as I’ve unfortunately found out. 

        LadySunshine

        0 like

  4. Generic Image glory says

    Sorry for your pain.  I believe your son is aware of the situation but is too weak.  Continue to keep the lines of communication open to him.  Perhaps a work number for contact instead of his home number?  As a mother of two sons of the same age, I can only hope that your son will one day realize that their actions are hurtful to you.  His father’s passing may have affected him in a way that continues to make it difficult for him to be close…just a thought.  Bless you.  

    1 like

    • Generic Image Orly says

      Thank you Glory. You really understood the situation. It is exactly what’s tking place. although my son is very bright and charming,and has a briliant career,  Please note that he has been married 5 years, not once that I made a call to his home. Very seldom that I call his cellphone. As he rarelly picks up and feel offended.

      I know that he is aware he has hurt me a lot and plenty, one moment he is OK,  nice. well mannered only when we are together (Sadly not as often as I wish)and then he is unrecognizable when with his wife. turns 360o .

      I have been speechless, paralyzed and made very uncomfortable in their presence. Interesting to say that we have not mentioned much about his father since he passed away. I am hoping that My son will realise the sadness and hurt he has broght by his uncalled for actions. Particularly from this son that everyone had expected to be the best and noner could ever imagine that he turned this way. Yes he is very charming . polite and generous to strangers . I can’t figure out his behavior. 

      Glory. your thought is justified ,I wish that he can confide in me  and have a personal conversation other than fiction.

      Bless you too and Thank you

      Orly

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

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  5. Generic Image SIZZELN says

    So sorry about your family situation. When God gifts us with child (ren), we raise them, care for them which is our responsibility. Sacrifice is after they are own. When they become adults, we let them go and build our own lives, hoping they want us in theirs. Why he married a woman of this character only he can answer. Not trying to hurt your feelings, but were you too much over him and he want space to be his own man? You say he was your everything, not good. You need to make a enjoyable life for yourself and not live thought him. Keep open to any contact so maybe something will change, so you can be around your grands. IMO

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    • Jwin Jwin says

      You clearly care for your son and daughter-in-law and have much to offer.  It sounds as if right now they are incapable of returning your love. There are others in this world that would give their eye teeth for a mother like you. Have you ever sat down with them and asked what you could do to build a better relationship with them?  If they are not open, there is little you can do other than make your relationship as good as you possibly can when you are with them.  I would not close the door to a future relationship.  I agree with the others who are encouraging you to build other aspects of your life. There are others who would love to have a deep caring relationship with you.  There are needy children with whom you could become a “big sister.”  In doing this you could fulfill the desires of your heart to be a mother to more and start leaving behind your hurts, and reach for your dreams.

      1 like

      • Generic Image Orly says

        Thank you Jwin for your correct description of my relationship with my son and his wife. I see them very little once or twice a year for very short time. I would welcome 15 minutes of time to have a personal conversation. They have avoided any encounter to be alone. When in town I will be invited to visit for half an hour or so, child present, DIL in her room. Sometimes A Hello and disapeared. She is over 42 years old. she id not a young girl.They both will have so much to gain with me and 1000 per cent they don’t deserve me and don’t deserve tyo be treated this way. I don’t believe they have any friends or family, they are wrapped into their selfish and self centered life. I don’t recognize my son who been raised in most hospitable house,  loved to be in all the receptions I gave and always complimented me for being a great hostess.

         Years ago  I was able to aske my son about the DIL alienation. He answered that she feels that I don’t like her. I responded that I don’t know her, she never said anything to like or not to like. she is inapprochable. I have no doubt that is her excuse which has no basis.  Even if it was true, any DIL would try to know the mother of her husband, do anything to change and make better the relationship. She has not addressed me once. I never existed for her me or anyone in my son past life. ( Please read my response to MermaidI Isent her a copy of a letter sent to My DIL) .I am blessed by having wonderful friends who have known my son since he was born, have known me , how I have raised him etc…  My family  don’t know anything as I don’t want to change my son image. Many are surprised that I am not invited to stay in his house. He has nannies and maid etc. he is doing very well and well aware of my poor finances. (They went for him. best school s everyting he received on a gold plater.)although he promised to do so. He Never picked up my tabs, I recognize that It is a problem of mine. I never asked or ask for anything. I am very sensitive and proud. I wish that I was different.

        Please Jwin . I have been volunteering for many years fo several organizations. at least 25 years. I have friends who made me their second mother. I am a god mother to 2 children,  have friends children who adore me and considere me family. I wouldn’t have survived without my friends and thank everyone from my heart for their help and support. I would like to say to Track that sacrifice is mother responsibilitiy. yes. but there are other sacrifices that are not, particuliary when the child is over 30 years…..

        Thank you and Bless you Jwin for your perception and compassion.

        Orly

         

         

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      • Generic Image Orly says

        Thank you Jwin for your correct description of my relationship with my son and his wife. I see them very little once or twice a year for very short time. I would welcome 15 minutes of time to have a personal conversation. They have avoided any encounter to be alone. When in town I will be invited to visit for half an hour or so, child present, DIL in her room. Sometimes A Hello and disapeared. She is over 42 years old. she id not a young girl.They both will have so much to gain with me and 1000 per cent they don’t deserve me and don’t deserve tyo be treated this way. I don’t believe they have any friends or family, they are wrapped into their selfish and self centered life. I don’t recognize my son who been raised in most hospitable house,  loved to be in all the receptions I gave and always complimented me for being a great hostess.

         Years ago  I was able to aske my son about the DIL alienation. He answered that she feels that I don’t like her. I responded that I don’t know her, she never said anything to like or not to like. she is inapprochable. I have no doubt that is her excuse which has no basis.  Even if it was true, any DIL would try to know the mother of her husband, do anything to change and make better the relationship. She has not addressed me once. I never existed for her me or anyone in my son past life. ( Please read my response to MermaidI Isent her a copy of a letter sent to My DIL) .I am blessed by having wonderful friends who have known my son since he was born, have known me , how I have raised him etc…  My family  don’t know anything as I don’t want to change my son image. Many are surprised that I am not invited to stay in his house. He has nannies and maid etc. he is doing very well and well aware of my poor finances. (They went for him. best school s everyting he received on a gold plater.)although he promised to do so. He Never picked up my tabs, I recognize that It is a problem of mine. I never asked or ask for anything. I am very sensitive and proud. I wish that I was different.

        Please Jwin . I have been volunteering for many years fo several organizations. at least 25 years. I have friends who made me their second mother. I am a god mother to 2 children,  have friends children who adore me and considere me family. I wouldn’t have survived without my friends and thank everyone from my heart for their help and support. I would like to say to Track that sacrifice is mother responsibilitiy. yes. but there are other sacrifices that are not, particuliary when the child is over 30 years…..

        Thank you and Bless you Jwin for your perception and compassion.

        Orly

         

         

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    • Generic Image Orly says

      No, I have vever been over him or controling at all. He always got his space. maybe that’s was wrong? I don’t know anymore.We had a great relationship. He was very secure and independent even going to a strict school. He had good grades and did very well. He has always been his own man which I always admired.and the woman he married I don’t know why or anything else. about her, only she was different from girls he went with. He was traveling a lot and I guess she was  waiting,,ready, waiting whem he returned from trip. got pregnant.Yhey didn’have a wedding. he told me a week after.

       I live 3500 miles away,I  never called him home and only call once or less in 2 weeks or if he leaves a message. I have respected him and respected what he ever wanted.. I have nothing to apologyze or feel guilty about Except that I love him too much and miss him. Maybe because I never asked him anything and assumed that he is intelligent enough to know what to do. How I feel? 

      There is nothing. absolutely nothing that prompted  the alienation or the mistreatment that I have been getting. None. Yes. I have sacrificed my life., my career, everything to be 24 hours for him. He even remarked that he never came home and that I wasn’t there to greet him. I could be miles away and come home before him. I did more than sacrifice. He is aware of everything I did and what his father did. he was pretty much on his own and continued to do whatever he asked. from thousand miles away.

      The only one that hurt my feelings is my son. He never rebelled even as a teen. He was loved . admired . cherished by everyone and everybody. Everyone is shocked and disappointed by him. He alienated everyone as well. I am not sure if they have friends. other than co workers, maids and Nannies…

       

      I have no answer to why this is happening. and cry for the lost precious years. 

      Thank you Track and appreciate your thpughts.

      Orly

       

       

       

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  6. Generic Image rosiemay says

    Orly I am sorry for your pain. Yes It can hurt a lot when we give our children our all and make them the center of our lives then they grow up and make lives of their own and someone else becomes the center of their lives and wse feel left out. A very famous saying went like this: There are two things we need to give our children, one is love and the other is wings. Several of my friends went through this with their children and one went to therapy where she learned that her expectations got her in trouble. My friend expected to be the doting grandma and be very involved with her grandchildren and her daughter and son in law. Well the son inlaw  had other ideas. It took many years, tears and slowly coming back around to a workable relationship. I myself raised two children that were the center of my life and I always said that if anything happened to them i would need to be buried with them. They left and made lives of their own and there was a separation period that I had to work and grow through and get bussy with my own life. We are all great friends now. I believe we  have to go through these periods to get on a more healthy footing with our adult children and their partners. I agree with the other comments that you should get involved with your own interests and keep the communication open like maybe cards for birthdays for the kids and even trying to speak to your son on his work phone or on his cell as he goes to work or returns. We must keep in mind that our children we hope love the ones they have chosen even though we might not choose them for them. I really dont call my adult children. There was a time when I would call and it seemed like I was disturbing them so I decided and told them that if they wanted to speak with me they could call me because I was retired and more readily available and they knew how to get hold of me. It has all worked our well and we are all close and this is what I wish for you Orly

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    • Generic Image Orly says

      Thank you Rosiemay.  Correct , I made him the center of our lives . what’s hurt the most and bring tears every day, is nothing could have suggested any of this would ever happen. I had never inmagined for a minute to be treated as I don’t exist.

      He grew up very independent, very secure and loved by everyone. I have never asked for anything. only to be respected.

      I have gone through so many painful years pain and kept hope that things will change.  A Year ago I was invited for the 3rd Bday of my grand son. It was little better , warmer. went out to diner couple of times. The DIL spoke few words with me . I felt I was in Heaven. no matter how little I got. I stayed in hotel and was told  when to arrive and when to leave. I played and even gave baths to grandchild.

      I called all my friends to say how happy I was. Everyone celebrated and were enthusistic for me.  Then I returned Home and not heard from them . Just like I have not been there. There is nothing that I am able to comprehend or explain. I don’t know. I wrote. sent gifts.. the answer received. was that he is too busy. he is tired. …etc.

      Now I am tired of this yo yo relationship.It looks so dysfunctional that I never know what to expect from one minute to the other. 

      I am very sensitive and reserved , as I absorb and endure everything in silence and leave crying.

      Your advices are well taken and will keep in touch with cards . gifts. He uses his cell phone to call me. he never called from home. and I never called him at home.  I have mentioned him about skype or Cam Corder for me to see and keep in touch with the children. he said OK but didn’t do it.

      I have lost hope as I am not a fighter and too polite . I know that folllowing all this . it won’t matter. but it is not my nature. being so far away it is a tragic and sad situation. We are all loosing of the joyous years that we could have by respecting each other.

      How long did it take you to open the communication again. ?

       I don’t call much either as I don’t like leaving messages and I feel like I am disturbing and hear after a hello. the same phrase. ” I am going thru a tunnel we might get cut off… It is so hurting, why is he playing this game.? Why don’t he say what he wants from me. ? what should I do? 

      I am against a wall brique. and I am very tired now, I never expected to be alone in my life without my son.

      Your letter is great comfort to me and appreciate so much your wishes. Thank you Rosiemay.  and God Bless You

      Every Good Wish

      Orly

       

       

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  7. Generic Image moongoddess says

    Dear Orly,

    I’ve read all the posts and you are given some very thoughtful and loving advise from people who care about you.  As much as you can in this format.  We’re safe here.  Safe to answer questions and know our loved ones will not see it.  You are sadly going through so much.  But I am hit with a couple of things I can’t ignore.  So here goes.

    Many men are very powerful in their marriages and demand things like abortions for what ever reasons.  The women who marry these people have choices.  I’m trying to be delicate and it’s emotional for me.  So please understand that I mean no harm to you in any way and I do indeed feel your pain.  You shouldn’t be out of your son’s life the way you are.  But he has made a choice too. Does he know you had abortions?  I’m not going any further with this but you need to pour your heart out to the only person who can help you, other than yourself, your son.  You don’t want to wait it out and miss out on this time you could have with family.  Your daughter in law is someone you don’t know.  Changing how you are to them is going to be the only way that I can see anything changing.  Honesty, love and taking your place as Mom.  You are Mom, Grandmother no matter what has happened.  Send the right message to him and be open regardless of the hurt that is going to come out of this.  I’m seeing alot of pain from all of you.  Your European upbringing could be stopping you from doing what you know in your heart you have to.

    Hugs from your sister!

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    • Generic Image Orly says

      Dear Moongodess/

      Your letter  brought me tears and I can’t stop. I am in great pain now..Thank you for your help and support.  I agree  that my upbringing and my manners that attract people to me have done me wrong with my son. He has taken me for granted and avoiding for years to speack about personal matters. His calls are no more than Hello and Goodbye and will hang up after I say I.

      He calls when his son is in his car. We have been very rarely alone and he has the knack of cutting any conversation short. telephone. bath..etc. It has been 6 years. and been able to mutter a word. I become so paralized and terrified and always hoped that this time things will be different. Unfortunately I have returned home more heartbroken that ever.

      Absolutely, it hurts more not saying anything, thinking that they know and are well aware of what they do is not acceptable.  I won’t matter to point the wrong.

      My husband was much older, erudit. brilliant scholar,  charming , master of 10 languages. perfect narcissistic, manipulator. controling etc… He had a way and knew how to convince you about anything/ 

      My son learned about the abortions when he was 30 years old. At the diner he asked my husband and I, why didn’t we have more children? Then I told him. Later my husband was very furious at me and told me that my son  was angry with me.  Then asked my son and he said No ,he was actuallu angry at his father. Yes he know as well that my husband did the same with first wife.

      All I want is to have a conversation with my son. I would love to pour my heart only once. I have begged for 15 min nutes, he always says yes but never happened? I have written many letters, never answered any. There is no way that I can reach him. I am not a fighter, I know that from last visit my grand son acted very strangely and from negative responses I received. there is no doubt that he is already brainwashed. he  is very bright and will be four next month.  I wrote back to Mermaid and sent a copy of the letter I wrote to MY DIL. Please read it . I have friends who care about me still I am lost and no moment passes without crying and feeling pain.’

      Thank you Moongodess for your great support and good heart

      All Good Wishes and Hugs

      Orly

       

       

       

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      • Generic Image moongoddess says

        Dear Orly,

        I have reread them and there are a couple of things that come to mind.  You write very well by the way.  You draw a very explicit picture of who you are in your son’s life.  There is not a question anywhere for an answer.  It is mostly stating your right to where you should be in his life.  The other thing is, earlier, she apologized and told you she was hormonal.  She must be making their lives miserable and she needs medical help with this.  The fact that your son doesn’t mind that you don’t stay there and he is ready for you to go home is a red flag.  He doesn’t want you to be witnessing whatever is going on.  She sounds subject to mood changes and rages.  So, try another tactic.  Stop  trying to convince them of things they already know.  If it was me, I would assume my position by telling them I’ll be coming for a visit and I’ll be staying with you so we’ll have a chance to really get to know each other  as a family again.  I can’t believe they would make you stay in a hotel.  It’s a given.  There shouldn’t be an invitations.  If they insist, I would insist.  They may have to open up and let you in on what they are going through.  You are still a stranger to her and I would try not to give her advise (like I shouldn’t be doing for you) because, it will come across uninvited and she won’t hear it anyway.  Give it time.  Let her build up trust.  Just curious, was it your decision or theirs for you to stay in a hotel from the beginning?  Don’t put yourself there like the queen who doesn’t want to be troubled and wants to control get togethers.  I know that’s not what you are doing.  You are trying to be considerate of they privacy.  Don’t.  You are Mom and Grandmother.  Whether they like it or not.  They will change their minds because what I”m reading here is you are very loving and kind.  You just have it a little more together than most people in your writing.  Bless you. And please let us know how you are doing.

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      • Generic Image Orly says

        No It was not my idea to stay in Hotel. I have suspected the same not wanting me to stay with them.. I dread speaking about the many negative elements I noticed during the half hour or so allowed to visit them from my hotel. no doubt my son doesn’t want me to know. It has been on my mind too. It is a way to avoid by not inviting me in their house. by alienating everyone. calling no one.etc…

        I am spending time crying, with lots of hurts, pain , humiliation and also trying very hard to put a face  that I am fine. my son and his family are fine too. He was loved by my friends and don’t want to change his image. Everyone will be shocked.

        Thank you  Moongodess.

        Orly

         

         

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  8. Generic Image grace says

    does he hide a secret? or his wife or couple does not want you there, one of my sisters never invite her mother in law to their house, because she says that she was not good with his son, that she prefers her older son, ask him what happened, I wish you luck

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  9. Generic Image momac says

    Dear Orly.  I kinda feel the same way you do. My son grew up not knowing his bio., father.  I often blame myself for the way he treats me.  Because of the few relationships i was in, unfortunately, he seen me being treated like shit,so i guess he figures since i took it from them, i would take it from him to. but now i have found my soul mate and married , my son is not the only male i have to share  my life and undivided love with.  i have talked to close family and friends to try to tell him my state of mind.  i to am very depressed with the things he has said and still does say to me. i have tried to talk with him mom to son and heart to heart . normally i am told to f*$ki myself or get on with my life.  i have given this child or man  every thing i could . he is 27 yrs., old.  My father always told me  YOU BROUGHT HIM INTO THIS WORLD, YOU SEE HIM THROUGH IT. just as he did with myself and sister,  God Bless His Soul .  He passed away 4 short years ago.  He was my sons only mentor.     when ever any one says anyting negative to me about him, like tell him to move out, or he is a lazy bastard, how much does he pay for board or is he even paying, i get my back up and i dont take their comments well at all, i have even lost a few friends coming by because they dont understand how i handle him and they refuse to be subjected to seeing the verbal abuse he gives me.  especially when he raises his voice with nothing positive, very degrading, nasty, nasty things,and when i ask him to please stop.  he always gets the last word in. he is worse in front of his friends, when i ask them if they talk to their parents like he does me ? seven out of ten say, not in this life.  i am glad to have found this site. does any one out there have any suggestions on what comes next? i would love to hear any feed back .

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    • Generic Image Orly says

      Dear Momac. As I wrote before, you must go with the same , to feel and understand what others are going thru.  I  never knew or thought for a moment it will happen to me. and I will be here writing about. 

      I know that the relationship with my son will change and will get better and only hope that it will be sooner.

      MY sonn called 3 times i this past week. aware that he hurt me and seems his way of appology.

      I am really sorry Momac about your son. I feel your pain. Yes It  hurts a lot when we give our children our all and everything  to see them make a  negative 360o turn.  I don’t have any suggestions or say anything at the moment since I am myself hurting and feeling the same way as you. Thank you Momac.

      Blessings anf all Good wishes

      Orly

       

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  10. Generic Image Nana says

    Hi Orly: 

    I also have similiar things going on with both my sons.  The essenstial difference is that I do live my own full and happy life and I recognize that they are also living very full and happy lives with their wives & families, as they should.

    I’d love things to be a bit different and I felt more included in their lives, but reality is reality.

    My youngest son has 3 kids under the age of 4,  has a major job, his wife has a major job, and they have her parents living with them.  Elderly sick parents.  My DIL is also writing her 2nd Masters Degree.  Their life is FULL.

    There is ONE THING I did that really helped.  And I’ve done it twice this year.  I phoned my son and ask him for a date.  A lunch date.   Named the restaurant and met him there.   I did NOT rant on about his life, or his wife, or his kids, or his inlaws.  I simply enjoyed being with him, and I think he enjoyed the time with me too.   But the important thing was I let him take the lead and we both enjoyed these light hearted lunches.   Perhaps one evening I’ll buy tickets to something nice and something I know he will enjoy, and phone and  ask him for a date for theatre, dinner, a concert.  We’ll see.   But I did enjoy the time with him.

    I know your son lives some distance from you. (I can almost hear you thinking this).  My eldest son does as well.  He lives 3000 miles from me.   You might have to think up something creative.  Something you can send your son.  Something just for him.  Just to let him know your his mom, and thinking of him.  And you have to think carefully, because gift giving can also be manipulative and coniving.   So it has to be something well thought out and special.

    Another thing:  These kids all have major demanding careers.  Major!  And lets get to the truth here.  This is how we raised them, and they now have what we wanted for them. And families and full and busy lives.  So no complaining about that on my part.

    As one of my girlfriends says:  You get what you get.  And I’ll tell you something else.  It isn’t going to get any easier when the grand children get older either.  They’ll have hockey, or skating, or piano, or whatever.

    I was invited for dinner recently.  And knowing my DIL can’t get a meal together for the life of her, guess what?  I brought dinner!   And she loved it.  And on reflection, it was probably a break for her too.  Surprise, surprise. 

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    • Generic Image Jender says

      Bringing dinner was great. Speaking as an adult child myself, I have one of those FULL lives. My mother, 82, in retirement living, is EXTREMELY demanding. My siblings live on the opposite coast — geographic cure. When my mother does anything to help with dinner, it makes a huge difference to my ability (energy level) to be available to her.

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      • Generic Image Orly says

        Thank you Jender and Catarina. I have shopped and cooked in their kitchen, I have ordered food from outside since I  stayed in Hotel. They do have help 7 days a week. I  tried everything. that I didn’t even do or cooked for myself .  my  son  asked me for receipes…. He appreciates it,  Not once I heard a thank you from DIL. only from my son. 

         

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  11. Debi Drecksler Debi Drecksler says

    I read and reread every single response to your letter and your responses back to them. I got very uncomfortable by the time I made it down to the end of the letters. Orly…I feel your pain and anguish. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think you received some valuable advice but I also think a few of the comments people made to you were not very nice. It is one thing to disagree with what someone writes, but I don’t think being nasty is necessary! I hope things work out for you and your family!

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    • Generic Image Orly says

      Thank you Debi. Yes, There were  mean answers, but actually felt sorry  for their ignorance and naivety by their illogical response that sounded more of an altercation than giving advice. 

      With my Good wishes Debi, and Warm Thank You for taking the time to read and for receving your lovely response.

      Orly

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  12. Generic Image Ingrid says

    I have had a similar experience: it NOTHING you have done or did not do: there is an entire generation of ungrateful, extremely selfish punks out there. It’s a well-documented fact.

    The Bible says this is the last generation, “filthy and twisted” II Tim 3:1-5, etc describes their attitude and actions. God’s command to honor your parents is universal! No one is exempt from this.

    I did the same thing you did: raised a son, 30, now married to the Witch of Eastwick (and who hates me and does not want to share my son’s affections with his mom, etc, same story). I sacrificed my entire life and all my assets to raise this man, who has 100% turned his back on me. Coward is a weak term to describe the ultra-narcisstic generation of Phillistines that exist in today’s USA.

    It didn’t help that his dad was an alcoholic, an invisible drunken entity of non-communication and non-discipline, and complete apathy towards myself and my son, the entire time my son was growing up. Now, my son is also an alcoholic, and works with my ex, who remarried to a fat, older spinster, just to get his hands on her $aving$ and house.

    It is regrettable that many of us women became a living martyr, and are left alone with nothing whatsoever for ourselves. You cannot, however, afford to allow those dastardly losers, who were once upon a time, a part of your life, to force you to view yourself, as they view you. This is their reality, not yours!

    They will have to answer to all the forces of life and to God, and God help them when their own day of retribution comes! There will be hell to pay for: but this will happen on its own: no one can stop it: every human being will pay and be repaid exactly as they have dealt out to others! This is a law of the universe! It cannot be stopped by anyone!

    As for you, sister-woman, you must do what I have done: recreate yourself and your life: realize your potential and worth; Be a little selfish by looking out fo ryourself for a change; maybe for the first time. Over time your will discover all the wonderful things there are to pursue out there. You must do this for yourself. Please. Save your money; get a passport; go to Greece or Paris; take a bus trip; start your hobbies; decorate your home; paint pictures; read and educate yourself; go back to school: find worthy friends who are genuinely supportive! Write me any time please.

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  13. Generic Image cathy says

    Dusty said it best.  They say we teach people how to treat us.  If we allow ourselves to be mistreated then that will continue until we say no more.  I went to a psychologist and told him my DIL was back stabbing and doing things so my son wouldn’t see it.  She finally, after 20 years, was nasty to me in front of my son. Finally he couldn’t say it was me making things up.  I told him I didn’t need the stress and that I wasn’t going to go to Thanksgiving with them that year.  The nasty remarks were centered around the dinner plans. 
    She went out of her way to send me pictures of the dinner and my son’s birthday party which I never got to see him for.  I have 2 sons and my other son put on face book tonight that he had ate too much.  My DIL replied to him that she enjoyed dinner with them and my ex husband.  She said they made her smile.  Dig, dig because I don’t make her smile.  No one told me my ex was going to be in town.  They’re afraid of upsetting me so they hide things from me which feels worse.  Anyway, the psychologist agreed with me that I had a right to protect myself from her back stabbing attitude since it was upsetting me.  It would be nice to let it all roll off but it hurts.  I plan to ignore her attempts to upset me with the face book pictures and go on with my life in a more enthusiastic way.  They don’t seem to respect me and never will until I at least act like I have respect for myself.
    What i haven’t told you is that 13 yrs. ago I had a stroke and severe depression and tried to commit suicide twice.  My DIL told my son I was just looking for attention.  That wasn’t true.  When i think that way now I realize that’s not the answer. You can be strong and go on with your life.  Maybe eventually he will come around.  After all, 50% of marriages end in divorce so there’s hope.  (a little sarcastic humor)  But, it has to be his idea and the more you put her down the harder he will try to defend her.  I’m afraid of losing my son but I think in a lot of ways I already have.

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