I have been separated for almost 8 months now. The pain/agony is still there and this past week, the “what could be/should be/ could have done , was this all a big mistake and what are the chances of a reconciliation thoughts all came in a fury and I was left floundering again in despair and self doubt. Ex had moved on with a gf shortly after I moved out and from what I have heard broken up with her after only 5 months. She probably was a rebound gf.
Anyway I have always wanted to take latin dances so this past week, was googling online and checking up on Meetup Groups in my area for salsa dancing. I was checking out this Salsa Meetup group and it was offering dance lessons on Sunday afternoons from 2-3:30pm and I was almost ready to sign up till I saw my EX’s pic on the sign up members list. I was thinking to be a member to go to the dance lessons , My ex is a member of the group and has been even before our separation. There are pics of him in 3 of the events hosted. Him dancing with another lady and looking rather miserable. This is a guy who has only signed up for the lessons hoping to meet the next new gf. What we know is there are more women than men when it comes to taking dance lessons and he is only there for one reason and one reason only. This is a guy who tells me he wants to date and sleep with as many women as possible after we break up.
So I was a bit shaken up to see pics of him in that group and make myself have a good look at the pics of him and now I know I have done the right move. I did not fall apart when I saw the pics of him. Actually I had a good laugh cos he looked like he was hurting in all of them. That my self doubting will pass and my one step forward and 2 steps back will too pass and soon enough I will be taking 2 steps forward and 1 back and moving along slowly but surely.
I did not sign up for the group and now have signed up for lessons at a dance studio instead. I know my motive of wanting to improve my dancing skills. I am doing it for ME and nobody else.
The only way I found to keep the “what ifs” and “how comes” was to realize that “his” coping skills were pretty much set. The next girl and the girl after that and so on and so on would not get better treatment than I did. That is/was his best. poor ladies — looking for first prize and … there is your ex ..
Darcy09:
Thank you for your post and bringing a smile to my face. I am so glad to find this site and am so grateful for all the lovely ladies on it. All the posts have helped me so much in the past few months. Am going to a singles dance in about 2 weeks with some friends and I hope to have a blast! First evening out dancing since the separation 9 months ago.
You are allowed to still love him you know. Just because he is acting like an idiot does not mean you have to stop loving him. Even if you end up divorcing does not mean you have to stop loving him. So let that one go.
From what I can see, your husband certainly is going thru a midlife crisis. The urge to have lots of sex is classic. He is trying to counter-act the thought of impending old age and death. So don’t be too hard on him. Men sleep around, we think about face lifts and tummy tucks. Both are pretty shallow behaviors but hey we’re all human.
Let him be. Go do your thing.
I would not be surprised if he does turn up on your doorstep once he gets it out of his system. Then again he might not.
Either way, you need to worry about yourself.
Hi Hot Flash:
I just did not think my posting would make it to the newsletter. I have been with this man for 32 years, 28 married so the loving and caring does not stop just because we split. We have 2 beautiful adult children and 1 grand daughter. I do not hate him. We grew apart and instead of figuring out how to make it all work, and worked even harder at the marriage, we both gave up. He is 55 so mid life crisis stage should be over by now?
I do not believe that sleeping around is going to cure anything here and not in the same category as tummy tucks or facelift. Men will sleep around after a separation or divorce because they can and because of the willing women out there. He just wants to prove that he is still hotstuff and that he is wanted and needed and he is lonely. All of a sudden he is a bachelor and he is in all the single clubs in the area.
What about the chance of catching a STD or more with sleeping around? He has been through a mid life crisis already 5 years ago and has had an affair (that I know about) and got 2 STDs from whoever he slept with and I was the innocent wife who got the STDS through it all. He was so arrogant and told me that he was careful adn he wore condoms but that did not protect him at all. So having a lot of sex may be on his mind but with a couple of STDs, he is not being fair to the women he sleeps with because he will never let them know about them. Who wants to sleep with someone who has STDs.
So I let him be. I am doing my thing. I am taking Rumba and Salsa lessons and am having fun even without a partner. Going to a dance club tonight for some fun.