Ever since i was stricken with cancer, and lost my voice, My friends never call or email me unless i do first. Not once in 7 yrs have they come to visit me, unless i visit them first. Ive tried several times trying to get them to meet for coffee so we can catch up on things, there’s always an excuse. I have kinow most of these people for over 40yrs. Last time i saw a couple of them is when myMother passed away. That was 3 yrs ago. I email them all and said, a freind is only a true friend when they show their presence. One reply was, well your in my heart. I dont buy it. Just to meet for coffee is like a cecil-b-demil.(spelling, ug) Am i wrong to feel hurt and also mad. If i tell them how i feel, they always have something to defend their behavoir. Im about to just give up and not to try anymore. Am 9i wrong, or is it just me.
| Am i wrong? | Hot Conversation |
January 26, 2010
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Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Keep the faith and don’t give up on them. Some people have a hard time knowing how to act or what to say. I’m sure they are still your TRUE friends, but love them unconditionally and keep those emails going to them.
Did you have your larynx removed?
Hi Trixie. Yes i did. I went through radiation first. I had them for 8 weeks, 5 days a week, twice a day. I went through hell, and they didnt work, so thats when i had my larengectomy removed.. Thanks for your concern.
the more important person in the world is you, I do not care if my friends come, pleasethey have also pain in their lives, dont worry.
I don’t feel that way, i believe you’re right. They can not find a way to see and engage in meaningful conversation and personal contact, one on one, one hour or two in 6 month time period. We are talking about friends in basic good health and 40 years under the bridge! I don’t buy it. It is easy to say, just let it go when it is not you. To give up is a personal decision. They can do better.
Maybe you are wrong…
This is a difficult situation. I wonder if you are angry when you contact them. Perhaps they don’t want to deal with your hurt and anger. I understand why you feel that way, but why would they want to be around you if you are demanding and frustrated and miserable and critical. What do you have to offer them? it’s sounds like you’re trying to make them feel guilty about you. That wouldn’t make me want to come around. Do you invite them to visit you on a specific day at a specific time for a specific purpose? Or are you expecting them to take the initiative?
Have you tried to educate them about your health? Do they understand your situation and how you can communicate with them.
I think you might consider giving up the ways you’ve been trying to connect — they’re not working — and try new ones. Focus on how to be a good friend to them.
Or maybe it’s time for some new friends … a support group for people with your medical problem, a group of people with similar interests.
I sincerely doubt that it is itsmemarg. The same exact thing happened to my Dad after his surgery. People would beep and wave as they continued to drive right on by! Very sad commentary on human reactions. My two year old could understand my father, and fifty year olds couldn’t???
Did you get a quality electronic larynx?
Hi. No way did i ever try to make them or anyone feel sorry for me. Ive tried several times to have them over for dinner or just a coffee clutch. They just cant find the time, they are always busy. Maybe your right about finding new friends, but i will continue trying to get us all together. Thanks for the advise.
No you are not wrong, and I don’t blame you for how you are feeling. My good friend just had to put her puppy of 15 years down, and it was like losing a kid. I am so sad for her, and visit her every other day just so she knows I am there for her. It is nothing like having cancer of anything, it is just her friendship is pretty special and important and just want her to know that I am there for her. And ofcourse this helps her with the pain of losing her spotty dog. So having your friends call or meet for coffee is huge. It is something very small but it means alot to you right? So please hang in there, you are definately worth e-mailing, stopping by for a visit, or better yet meeting for coffee. I once read this verse and it is so true. Trues friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere! So perhaps they are not true friends, cause if they were, they would make the time. I will be your friend if you let me, cause everbody needs good friend, and only one good friend can be like having a world of friends! So don’t get discourgaed, we are only an e-mail way! ( :
You’re not wrong. There’s no excuse for rude behavior, especially after 40 years of friendship. Still nobody knows them as well as you, and what their situations are. As people age they may not be as active socially as they used to be, yet they could still make an attempt to recognize your need for continued friendship. I wonder what they would do if you completely stopped any contact with them, no email forwards, etc. Would they wonder what had happened and call you to see if you’re okay? In any case, try to forgive them and move on. You can make new friendships, and of course you will always have friends here on VN. Best to you!
Thank you. I will forgive them, and move on, but yes i have all of you for my friends, and im grateful for that. I just cant be a quiter, so i’ll keep on trying t get us all together. If its meant to be, so be it.
No itsmemarg, you’re not wrong. But have you considered that maybe they are SO uncomfortable about your cancer and the loss of your voice that they can’t face you? The longer time passes, the harder it gets for them. Please understand that I am not making excuses for them. I just know human behavior and some people just aren’t able to cope with certain conditions of life. I remember when I found out I had cancer. I was in management and had a large staff. We had a good working relationship and lots of loyalty toward me. I knew that this was going to be very hard on them. So when I went to work after the diagnosis, I felt the stares behind my back and their inability to look me in the eye. I took responsibility for their being uncomfortable. I went to each of the groups of employees early in the morning and told each one of them about the diagnosis and what the schedule of surgery and treatment was going to be. Then I said this is going to be a hard time for all of us and I wanted to invite them into my space to feel what I felt, to cry with me if they wanted to, to feel comfortable to ask questions and just be able to go through this with me. Above all, don’t avoid me because you don’t know what to say or do.” The walls came tumbling down and I am still very good friends with about six of these employees. I know this is long, but I wanted to explain what I meant by their discomfort becoming a topic, so they could be close to me without being uncomfortable. I hope this helps a little and gives you another way to look at it. Good luck.
What a wonderful responce!. I cant thank you enough for your concern. I intend to work out difficulties they may have with my loss. I can see why your friends think highly of you. So do i!.
What wisdom, dynamomma. The only thing I would add is that people are often afraid of what they don’t understand.
Itsmemargie, what you’re seeing in them is fear, and in trying to turn away from their fear they have turned away from you. I’m sure this is accompanied by guilt, which then just makes staying away easier so they don’t have to explain their behavior, which they may not even fully understand themselves. It’s very complicated.
Dynamomma’s point of taking the bull by the horns brings about the spreading of information in place of gossip, and can be healing for all concerned, including you.
Blessings to you.