I can’t get my mother off my mind. She has rheumatoid arthritis and she and my step-father live in California. She’s lived in her home for 50 years and does not want to move to my home in Colorado. I don’t blame her but the time has come that we need to make some decisions. My mother is very stubborn and I have to be careful with her or she gets very upset. My brother also lives in Colorado and thinks it would be good for her to move in with us. I know it wouldn’t be easy but I need to figure out when I step in and take control or do I just let things be, dangerous as they are. She has to climb stairs every day to her bedroom. It’s time for change. Any input would be much appreciated.
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Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/aging-parents-live-far-away/
OMG... watermusic you're making me LOL... I just gave up perfection about 5 years ago... and I swear my life is easier in many ways and more fun... but every now and them procrastination (perfection) tries to raise her head...
Thanks for sharing 
I would be very careful about moving your mom so far away from her home and acquaintances. I know you are doing it for the best of reasons but a move such as this would put her totally in a foreign environment and that is really hard on an elderly person. Could she go instead into some kind of assisted living arrangement where she keeps her power but has help with activities that are difficult for her. Or could her own home be adapted so that she does not have to climb stairs? Even a move to a home that is set up for people with handicaps would be a great benefit to her. Also thinking that the cold of Colorado would not be good for an arthritic body.
You are being a loving daughter and you want to take care of your mom. But please think very carefully before you take her away from all that she is familiar with. I’m also thinking snidely,having had brothers who took no part in the care of my aging mom and dad even though they lived next door but left it up to the ‘girls’ that of course your brother thinks it is a good idea to pass the job onto his sis.
It may be time to put that house on the market, or adapt it. The thing about moving her to your state is just that it is your state. You will be the caretaker (and some of it may be out of guilt)> Leave things in the state they are in, let dear old bro kick in to help. If he does not have a talk about adapting his house for them. Perhaps they could move to a small townhouse in a seniors village. No, not Colorado it will isolate all of your. Time you thought you had will vanish into waiting rooms for doctor, hospitals, you will become a valet “driving miss daisy”. Been there my sister “don’”that and it was hard work. She knew no one here and the ones she did know slowly passed away.
I have aging parents who live far from me as well. I am in a warm weather climate and they are in a cold weather climate, which is not good for their ailments, plus driving is becoming more difficult for them – then add in snow or ice = no good. I have tried many times to reason with them but they are stubborn people. I have found that my gentle hints or suggestions have put them on the defensive. They want to stay with they are, which is familiar and comfortable even though it is no longer practical. I would step lightly on this otherwise you could risk causing upset feelings as she will feel like you are trying to take control of her life. I am learning tough lessons about keeping my mouth shut, even when I mean well. It is hard to sit on situations when you feel you can help, but the help is rejected or taken the wrong way. I know I will have a tough road ahead as the years progress with my aging parents but for know I think it is best to ride things out and trust the process of life. It may take a while for her to see options and be receptive to other living options, or an event will occur that pushes her along to decide on a move. Dignity and empowerment are important for those getting older, so you should keep that in mind. Stay connected as best you can and hope that nothing bad will happen until your mother is ready to accept your help.
This is something that many have to make decisions about with aging parents. Let me tell you about some people that I know and what they have done.
The mother will be 102 on her next birthday. In the last 3 years she has fallen twice, and broke both of her hips. She also had heart attacks so bad that she needed to have a pacemaker put in. All of these times she move from her home in NY city to her son and DIL’s to recuperate.
Then she insisted on moving back to her apartment in NY. Oh, did I mention that she is also legally blind?
What her son and DIL do, is to make sure that she has services in place when she is home. Home health care workers that come in and clean her apartment, cook, do her laundry, bathe her and to do shopping. She also gets meal on wheels once a day.
This works out for all involved. She gets to live in her apartment, her son and DIL know that she is being watched out for, and if anything is wrong they get a phone call.
I guess what I am getting at is this. Before you try and make any decisions for your mother/parents, it might be better to discuss with them the possibility of getting social services involved first to see what can be offered. This may give your mother more time to live alone, and more time to come around to your way of thinking in the long run.
Good luck, and I hope that the both of you can come to an agreement on what will work for you both.
I am sorry you have to go through this, I have with two sets of parents and it is tough.
What is the condition of your step father? Do they have any friends in a assisted living facility? Have you spoken with a social worker from the county to see what is available for services? Can they hire someone to help mornings and evenings to make it safe for her to come and go to her bedroom?
There are stairway lift chairs that can be installed without tearing up the existing stairwell, they are very nice and safe. They have a battery backup in case the electricity goes out. They are pricey, but, so is a visit to the hospital with a broken hip.
My parents were in Texas and we in Wi. They didn’t want to move and it didn’t make sense either. They were in a ranch home, added the needed things, got in home health care until dad had to go to a nursing home as it was literally killing my mom taking care of him. We kids took turns going down a couple times a year and spending several weeks to make sure the house was maintained. After dad passed mom hung on for a year, then sold. She moved in with my sister in Florida and loved it. But only lasted about a year. They had a wonderful support group in their community in Texas, we should be so lucky.
My hubby had a talk with his parents as that maybe it was time for them to move into the next phase of their lives. She was having a lot of medical issues and the house work was just to exhausting. So they sold and moved into a very cute apartment in a senior complex. After she passed and his dad had some health issues, the same talk and he moved into assisted living. He fell and broke a hip so is now in the nursing home part of the same facility.
So we have had both sides. It is there lives, they can and should make there own decisions. As hard as it is for us kids to tolerate and lose sleep over, they need to live their lives.
When something happens, it will bring about change. Not much you can do about it but be their to help pick up the pieces. As long as they are in their cognitive minds, the decisions are still theirs.
We are caregivers and want the best for those we love, but, all we can do is suggest and love them. Hope you can sleep better, eventually.
Still777:
You didn’t talk about your stepdad? Do you think he would be ok with you suggesting his wife (your mom) leave him in California and move to Colorado with you? Or are you suggesting they both come move in with you?
In either case, I agree with everyone else, moving from sunny California to cold Colorado would not be good for your mom’s RA.
The suggestions of the staircase lift is a good one OR is there a room downstairs that can be “changed” into a bedroom so she and your step dad don’t have to climb the stairs anymore and reduce the risk of a fall?
I would look into making the house handi-capped accessible to help them to continue to live in there home among neighbors and friends they have known for years. It is time to check into social services to see what’s available in there area as they continue to get older.
Both my mom and dad had major illnesses and have since passed so do what you can to help them live as independently as possible. It will help them to live longer when they are happy.
Thank-you so much for all these wonderful responses, I can’t believe how people we don’t know are willing to give a word of help and support. It makes so much sense to keep them there until something happens to warrant a serious change. I hadn’t thought of Social Services stepping in to help. I will call them to see what type of resources there are. Money is an issue and she worries about cost of in home care. I know it would be hard on me but, I also know I want to be there for her when she needs it. I guess living so far away, out of sight out of mind, has made me think they aren’t really old. I just hear the strain in her little voice lately and think of my mother as the strong young woman that could do anything. I wish we could spend quality time together again, and not have to have something serious happen to make the change. It would be very difficult for them to move here, so I need to put it away and just wait until she’s ready to make a change. Thanks again for all your support.
I do not want to break the news, however those days are gone. You may be lucky and get some quality time, however for the most part was was and now will be different. At least in my family and (likely) many others.
Alot of wise women on this post. One thing my elderly parents really get upset about is when they percieve that anyone other than them are trying to make decisions for them! (I continue to learn this lesson – smile). My husbnd and I moved to their state about 4 years ago so we could live nearby. Luckily I am a teaher and can go”home” to where my children and grandchildren live in the summers. (this is when the little bit of help from the brothers comes in handy….well, WHEN they follow thru.) Anyway, I know this is not an option for most people but it is working out very well. My parents are very grateful to have the 2 of us nearby. Altho, it would be great to be in 2 places at once, my parents need us most, at this time. My dad often tells me, with a twinkle in his eye, sure glad we had a daughter! We celebrated his 93rd birthday last weekend and yesterday celebrated the President’s re-election! We find something to celebrate every single weekend….as we know this special situation will not last forever.
Unless I suffer from dementia at 77, I pity anybody who decides to make decisions for me and where I should stay.
Dear tennim:
Sometimes we are the last to know. Also the last to know the pressure our decisions put on the rest of the family.
As long as you are able to go to doctors, get groceries, clean and get out alone you are in a great place. Once one of those slip it is time to call in the troops for a group think.
Yes – I understand and I did send my post quickly – I am 66 and I am working on making certain I will not make my kids’s life difficult when I need to leave my home – but when parents still have their full thinking capacity, they are essentially taking the risks – be it to break a leg or other stuff – and maybe tell them that if they hurt themselves, then they will end up in hospital where it will be much worse than a retirement home – although for some people, they would rather die shoveling snow than be in a retirement home.
Very thankful for this post. My parents are near Lake Superior, I’m near the Gulf of Mexico. I moved here for my health 6 years ago. (Lyme Disease.) My stepfather’s mind is good, but his physical health is bad; my mother is just the opposite, decent physical health, bad memory.
Imagine a 78 year old woman plowing snow in a place where many shovel their roofs; it happens. And now she needs knee surgery.
This is the stuff that keeps me up at night.
I’d like to add the importance of getting everyone who cares involved – even if it’s only for their powers of persuasion.
My son and his family are a 9 hour drive away; which makes them the closest. They are committed to helping whenever assistance is needed. I also reconnected with my stepbrother so we could ”join forces” in offering suggestions from both sides. (His health is very poor.)
Our parents are inflexible people, but the joint approach is paying off.
My mother trusts my stepbrother – and my stepfather trusts my son. If they won’t listen to one, they will listen to the other.
Two suggestions were accepted; they are thrilled with “their” decision to have someone come in and “help with the cleaning” every week. And when my mother has her surgery, she will be set up to sleep DOWNSTAIRS so she doesn’t have to deal with steps.
My son or DIL will be there to help when she comes home and if weeks threaten to turn to months of assistance, I will go up.
What will happen will happen; we’re ready to take things as they go. And when we spend time with them, we’ll try to arrange for local resources so they can live their lives their way.
I am very grateful that my parents did MUCH pre-planning. When they moved out of their house they moved into a retirement village with all levels of care. They did this so thay would not be a burden to their children. wow! I hope I can do this for my children! Again, I realize that this is different from most people’s experience. I LOVE living near my sweet parents!
That is the key, catch it while you still can. Mom started to lose it and because I did not pay close attention thru chit chat I missed it. Sister in another city. When the time came (and openings are not exactly on the day needed) it was a bit too late. We had almost no planning.
My best information is catch it while everyone is available mentally and physically. Doing it under health pressure is tough and always open to questions from those not involved. So my hope is that I know before someone else does.
They have lived through the Battle of Bull Run (well perhaps not), the recession, a couple of World Wars and other conflicts. Let them take care o f themselves. They may reach out, but don’t you dare try to take over their lives. Put in a stair master and solve the problem with the steps. If they need a little help, ask Medicare what must be done to get a little help for them tht Medicare pays for.
There is no way that you have a right to take over their lives. What you perceive as dangerous is just more hazards of old age: We don’t particularly want to give up those hazards. They may be the only excitement we have in our lives!
Lots of great responses here. I agree with the suggestions that you (or someone who can help you) research the resources in their community that can help them remain safe in their own home as long as possible. I would NOT, however, wait until ‘something’ happens to force a change.
There’s a lot you can do to be prepared and organized so that if a crisis of some kind occurs, you have already, with your parents, made some choices and decisions that will honor their wishes-rather than being in panic mode while making tough decisions.
I consult with adult children about this issue and would be happy to chat if you’d like. There’s a complimentary report at my site on this very issue that offers resources that can help aging parents age safely at home. You can find it at ThrivingInTheMiddle.com.
Good luck and I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!