How do you move on with your life after you find out your husband is looking for another on some website. I found out my husband of 27 yrs has a profile on marriedcafe.com that says he is looking to spend “special” time with the right person… How am I suppose to take that? I feel like my whole marriage has been a joke, that all the things I believed in was so stupid of me. I feel I deserve better then that after 27 yrs of being there for him. How does a woman pick up the pieces and move forward?
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Sounds very interesting.
You kick his sorry butt out of the house, you hire an attorney, you lock the doors, you immediately secure you half of the assets, and you don’t look back.
How did you find out? Have you asked him why he has posted on this site? Has he been on it for a long time? Have you been having marital problems? A lot of unanswered questions. Knee jerk reactions are just that. Swift and not necessarely called for. Analyse your situation before you react too quickly. I have often reacted too quickly only to regret it later.
It must be hard for you right now but take time to think about your situation. Is it too late to talk to him? If it is obvious that he wants out just by the things posted on this site and other actions he has taken or things he has said and done, then be cautious. Arm yourself and be ready for a split. By arming yourself, ie, take all the precautions as to your financial situation, it is of the utmost importance that you know exactly where you and his money are. make copies of bank statements, bonds etc. Talk to a financial advisor, they can easily access yours and his fincancial standings. Consult one if you find you need to right now even before talking to your spouse. Take pictures of your belongings. These can be done without his knowledge. If it you decide to stay, you can still keep this information, just in case…
Keep seeking help. This is a bad time to be or feel alone.
anir
Im NOT FOR SLIDIDING YOURSELF IN FOR MORE FOOLISHNESS.bELIEVE ME!
BUT,having to date aging, back in 1984.WAS NOT GREAT .ME 40+.
I HAve a friend so afraid of being put in a trunk etc.she will NOT date!AGE she s 61.
Talk 1st.GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHERSIDE OF A FENCE. BUT??
IF they-r – someone eles hand me down.?DO YOU GET A SICK/NOSIE M-IN-LAW OR KIDS ?carefll,
I agree with anir – v good advice – ensure your finances etc are in order before you rock the boat. A talk with your husband is definitely in order – maybe he’s in malopause & the dating site comes like the red corvette. Yees, but I know it must be v painful along with so many other difficult emotions. Remember though, you’ve had 27 yrs with him – were they good? It’s alot of history and needs to be considered. Still, once you’ve done your H/W, and have the serious talk, if he says he wants to go, maybe that’s better than double guessing constantly.
I wish you strength, courage & finally acceptance.
You just do it. Talking to him and trying to figure it all out and waiting and wondering — WHY? You know what you need to know. He’s either unfaithful or hoping to be. Sticking around will only erode your self confidence. He’ll blame you, you’ll find reasons to think it’s all your fault, etc etc ad nauseam. Don’t waste another day on him. Get an attorney, secure as many of your assets as you can, get a counselor who does divorce therapy, get an exercise program, start really watching what you eat (and eat really well). Don’t drink or use drugs. Try to get enough sleep. Just take care of YOU. Focus on YOU. The years weren’t wasted unless you stay mired.
Thousands upon thousands of us have been in your shoes. I just gave you the advice I wish I’d been given.
Talk to him directly first, listen to him, and get him to go to a marriage counselor with you. Then decide if the marriage is worth saving when you have all the information, such as why he’s advertising for an affair and whether he has cheated on you already.
Yes, you deserve better than being cheated on. But find out what’s going on, first. Maybe it’s fixable. Maybe it isn’t even his profile. (I’m hoping!)
- Joan
You do deserve better. I don’t think your entire 27 years with him has been a lie or a joke. People change and sometimes do illogical things and don’t even know why. You haven’t said whether this was a one time thing or ongoing for months and several encounters. Maybe there is still a marriage to salvage so you do what JoanPrice suggested. If you know there is no future and you can’t go on, pick up the pieces and get on with your life then you follow Dallas Lady’s suggestion. I would be very hurt and confused. But I’d also want to make sure I was ready by talking it out with your husband. Good luck
Hi baywatchgranny,
Been there and could write a book about it. Or a short story anyway. Let me just say that I feel for you. It’s crushing but there can be light at the end. It’s just takes “seeing” the other person with different eyes.
Just hear everything and understand that some may apply and some won’t.
I don’t pretend to know everything. What I did learn was that he was very selfish and thinking only of himself. I was brutal without knowing how it was affecting him. Slam bam, thank you Mame wasn’t exciting for me so I sent out all the signals I could in order to avoid having sex. We may as well lived on opposite sides of the planet. We fought. I would find myself thinking, could I survive on my income. Where would I go and was looking for an escape. But when I found out, it hit me so hard. I didn’t realize how much I still loved him.
Owning up to my part of this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Working through it was the best thing I could have done. That was three years ago and we are going stronger than ever. We celebrate our 38th anniversary in April. If you want to work things out, do not kick him out. Have you confronted him yet? Has he actually done anything yet?
I see that you read your bible so I know you have faith in God. You will need it because this is just the beginning of what can be the beginning, or the end. Soul searching and owning up to your responsibility in all of this and yes, by God, his too will be a start. Please let us know how you are doing. You should also seek counceling. It will be easy to lash out and a good counceler will help each of you see. God bless you!
So wise, Moongoddess. And you’ve been there.
- Joan
What wonderful advice, moongoddess. I especially liked your lines-”It just takes “seeing” the other person with different eyes and Happily married people don’t do that to each other. Search your heart-are both of your needs being met.”
It isn’t always easy to do this in any marriage, but when you’ve feel like you’ve been hit by a bus, it just makes sense to me to try to re-group, slow down and attempt to analyze what’s really gone on with both of you.
27 years is a long time, baywatchgranny, I wouldn’t want to throw in the towel before I consider all the consequences. All the best.
Thank you for your wisdom, I am not jumping into any decision. I have been watching him on this website and others for over 4 months. Not wanting to believe what he was doing. Then I got mad and started keeping my records, securing my finances. This is my second marriage and I was not going to be penniless like last time. Right now I don’t know how I feel about him, I’m not happy about ending a 27 yr marriage. This is not the first time I have had to deal with others in our marriage. We have already been through counseling and for the last 3 yrs I thought things were going good and then this come up. We had been planning our retirement, bought a motorhome to hit the road and see America, now this. Right now I just feel numb.
If my husband ever did this again, then it would be over. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. How selfish men can be sometimes. It does go through my mind sometimes about the trusting. I know in my heart that we a right. A repeat offender is something else all together. You deserve more and better. Getting everything together financially is the best thing for you to protect yourself.
Hugs, you need it!
You seem to know what you need to do but are obviously in a sticky situation since you just invested a lot of money for your retirement years. Is staying really worth it? Do you think he will ever change his ways? He hasn’t so far. He’s obviously been lying to you. Not saying anything about his actions is lying to you by omission. Even if you have never come out and asked him if he was still doing this. Will you be OK financially if you were to leave him?
It must feel terrible being betrayed and thinking you would have to end another marriage. You have to think of yourself since you are the only one responsible for your life and what you want out of it. And he is the only one responsible for his actions.
I ended a 27 year marriage. It was hard, but well worth it. Would not want to go through it twice.
Warm hugs from me too.
anir
I agree with just about everything everyone else has posted. It really is hurtful to find out something like this, but you must have been suspicious in order to find it….but you may be able to abort an affair etc. by talking it out now….I facilitate a divorce recovery group….it is such a horrible experience….saving you rmarriage is work but divorce is hell….
I agree with Dynamomma that just because you are having this glitch that all 27 years are a joke….I was divorced after 29 years, but at least 27 of those were more good than bad, they are my history and part of what makes me who I am today, so don’t discount those years based on this current situation.
Moongoddess has a lot of good advice in her post. I would add to it that I regularly ask my partner if his needs are being met…..our own “state of the union” conversations….we don’t have them constantly, but I will make it a point to find an opportune moment when we aren’t terribly distracted or tired to just say….”just making sure things are ok, are you happy with our sex life?? Are you happy I’m here? etc. and then he always will answer and then ask me “and how about you, are you also ok etc.?” I does help to ask these questions…I feel he needs to know even tho’ we both sometimes get busy, he is still a very large priority in my life and his happiness does matter immensely to me.
Maybe you should register on the same site – could end up like the Pina Colada song. Or, maybe you’ll find out there may be some green grass you never noticed because you’ve been looking at the same old sod for 27 years. What’s good for the goose…
Hey baywatchg, how are you doing? You are in my prayers and hoping you are taking life one day at a time? Where does your faith fit in this picture?