I have a great relationship with my kids. They are married, have beautiful healthy families, love their spouses, and are financially responsible. But one is a raving liberal and the other is so conservative that he believes all is lost so why bother to even vote. We’re a family that allows, even encourages, civil dissent. We are loving and caring and our gatherings are not marred by a variety of social, economic and religious choosings. I’m proud of that.
Yet, as I age, I find that I am also deeply concerned that these are the very tolerances that are undermining the foundation of promise that America offers. It’s not just the fate of the nation that worries me; these are the people who will make decisions about my life and care.
My charming, beautiful, educated daughter, who is a great wife and mother spouts the line that abortion and euthanasia are acceptable choices. And, my son who is active in the community, a successful small businessman, and equally wonderful husband and dad invests in food storage and ammunition for what he believes to be the coming fall of America.
They got to work daily, have friends, mortgages, soccer, etc. – but there is this underlying rejection of main stream – the very main stream that in which their father and I worked to provide for their welfare and education. It’s gone unsaid, but I’ve gotten to the point that I’m not really comfortable with putting my fate in either of their hands…or even leaving to them the remainder of what their Dad and I worked for. Is anybody else struggling with this?
Very good point, Chickadee. I think your point is exactly what's been eating at me, and this issue with the recent dating sign on just adds to my doubts. I have deliberately not let myself get too attached to him -- how to put it -- I am prepared
You are only a victim, if you want to be, or if you think like a victim. Take charge of your life, get a really good divorce lawyer, and take your ex to the cleaners.
First and foremost is making sure that you and your son will be taken care of
Thank you, Earth Angel 19. Patience, kindness, and seeing the world with open eyes are good lessons, indeed. I miss my Mom, too. The years don't seem to matter much - not having a Mom leaves an empty place in the heart. Thank you, again, for 
Oh I so agree with you SS! I am feeling more and more isolated from what I see depicted as the norm on tv . When did it become more important to tell about some star’s marital breakup than to report on the world issues that affect our nations.
Our kids were raised with us struggling to implant our beliefs through example while they watched the social media eroding those principals on a daily basis. I really wonder what messages our kids did receive from us. Kind of find it ironic though that they certainly want the benefits of all the ‘antiquated ideals’ while claiming to be more worldly than we are. The problem is that they grew up in a much more affluent way than we did. We were poor growing up and so we gave our kids everything that we wanted and they feel that they are owed this- that this is the norm. I think they are really scared when they see countries crumbling because it is beginning to dawn on them that their futures are not as rosy as what they were led to believe they were. So they are confused and they are clinging on to one way of thinking . And you know I also think they are angry with us because we did lie to them in saying that if you worked hard and followed certain standards of behavior, you would be successful and now they are thousands in debt from education costs and still serving burgers!
As for the problems within your family, well I really don’t think that is a new thing. I remember my mom begging my dad not to talk politics when his brothers came to visit as they would always end up angry with each other. I know never to talk about church or state to one of my sisters because, while we love each other dearly, we are at opposite poles in our beliefs.
Leaving it to the kids? A friend once told me that we were our kid’s retirement plan and I think she was right. I think you should make good use of what you have saved and travel with your husband.
You nailed it. They want the benefits of our “antiquated” efforts while being led (credit TV and social media) to believe they have improved on the family model. I do see a glimmer of our teachings in them, but it’s masked by an arrogance of superiority that is NOT earned. I don’t know that it would be any different if their Dad were still here (he died in 2004) excepting that I would have the benefit of our joint decisions – without him, the kids ARE my remaining family. They express all the right cares and concerns – but I can see that they are struggling financially – and also that they DON’T see working harder or longer as an option to improving their situation – ergo, the sense of security that the words give is not backed up by deeds or reality. I do, or at least I did before anticipating inevitable inflation, have enough to provide for my own care. If I sell the ranch and reinvest in income producing property, I can increase my income by $3000-$5000 a month; but I will be taking away the family asset that has been there most of their lives – where they bring their children – where they connect with their father and grandfather. Therein lies the question of how to best use my assets.
i feel this also that my husband and i are seen as a meal ticket. i so want to spend it all on us enjoying ourselves. the kids think they are entitled to everything these days. i am not sure when it all went wrong. i am glad i am not alone in this as i have to think long and hard about the finances. the arrogance and the superiority that you talk about has surfaced in my home that they my kids appear to be owed and the debt has to be settled by me. i know things are tough right now but i have been there and worked through it as has my husband. i am not going to yield and will think hard in the next few years to cover us. i think we are disposable at the end of the day like the income we would leave behind to be disposed of in any way that they would like to spend it. like you say not earned but just taken for granted.
The thing is, I adore my kids; and we do get along well. That is very important to me and I don’t want it to change. They are NOT looking to me for support – I just don’t think they understand the progression that will lead to their being sandwiched between helping launch their kids into young adults and the possibility of helping elderly parents at the same time. I have truly come to feel blessed to have come of age in the 1950s when ethics and morals were more…well, clear. It WAS simpler then; we went to school (and Sunday school); we worked; and we prospered. I don’t know where that went, but I do know it’s not as easy for them as it was for us. I guess my dilemma is not so much that they are expecting something from me, but that in order to assure (as much as I can) my own care, I will have to use assets like land holdings that they see as “family” assets. I just don’t understand why they can’t see the handwriting on the wall. I see the need to use my assets as a result of government gone amuck (both sides) and I guess blaming their political persuasions is what I have to do in my own mind to justify what I KNOW is best for all of us – that is to use MY assets to provide for my own care and allow them the privilege of living with their decisions. They say getting old isn’t for sissies…well, being a parent isn’t for sissies either! I just thought that by now, they’d be like us…and they aren’t.
i am from the 1950s also so hard to understand that things can go so badly wrong. i look at my children and i thought i had done a good job but at times i know they are selfish and often no respect of the way things should be. hard being a mum and hard getting older. i know that you can rely on yourself. we are taking care of our old folks but i think we are the last generation to put duty first to our parents. hard to deal with at times but i am glad i am not alone in this and this site helps by getting point of views from others. so thank you.
I agree with you SS – the only correlation I see among my children and the polar opposite beliefs is this: their faith in God. My children who’re definitely believers are conservative & the ‘doubter’ is very liberal. I pray constantly for their faith – which I believe is much more important.
I know this is a totaly different situation. My adult son and a 14 year old,recently moved in. The older daughter already with me. My husband has passed away, we raised her and two other sibling. She have become disrepecful. My son working with his best friend, trying to turn around a business his best friend own. Which means he is working for free. I have limited funds, I have discuss this several times with him. He continues to say when things trun around we will be ok. I told him the light bill company want understand, he is trying to turn a business around. My delimar, my lease is up January the 3ed. My son, granddaughter 19year old, and a 14 years, I feel awful, I hate the thought they maybe without a place. I can’t keep taking care of him and the kids. Oh! this is a painful thing. He deal with alcohol, I need a break, I want to backpack to Italy. My stomach hurt daily, I worry about him and the grand kids. Mostly the 14 year old, dad’s always gone, I make sure home work, dinner, and make sure every is ok. My husband and I raised three of his kids. My husband passed away I am giving out of funds praying everyday God will help me make it a couple more months, lease up in january. My husband was retired Military, awarded service connected disability, husband passed away three years ago, still no money. I my daughter feel like I need to just get apartment and stay put for a moment, until I get money from the VA, if it’s been three years, it could be another three years. I am living as if there is no money coming. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. Help please!
romoe – your problem is not how you feel about your adult kids and politics but rather dealing with the ramifications of a political atmosphere that has degraded family values, lack of jobs, and a political atmosphere that leads adults to believe it is OK not to carry their own weight. Of course, we love our children and want to help them, but you MUST draw a line between what is love and what is abuse of your hospitality. I know it’s incredibly hard…but there are a couple of things you can do which have the potential to quickly improve your situation. First, you need to get yourself to the nearest VA office and find out what the problem is. Widows of retired military only get a portion of retired military pension, but all you have to do is file the paperwork. Mine started the month after my husband died, so this is not something that they have to “consider” for several years. You will need his DD-214 (discharge papers – the form they provide when a soldier leaves the military) and a certified copy of his death certificate. If the VA office fails to help or guide you, then you need to go to the nearest military base with the same two documents in hand and ask to see a legal officer. If your husband served the required length of time and was honorably discharged, either the VA office or the legal office of the nearest base WILL help you promptly. I don’t know much about disability pay – but generally disability pay goes to the person who was disabled – not as continuing support for his family unless he left minor children. If you don’t have his DD-214 and death certificate, you will need to get them before you can be helped – I know there is an office that helps with obtaining papers – so if you don’t have them, let me know and I’ll look up a contact for you.
Secondly, before just deciding to move to a 1-BR apt and take the 14-year old with you, you might consider calling a family conference. It might help if you make a written budget showing income and outgo and be prepared to show the adults living in your household what the financial issues are and what you need for things to continue. THERE ARE JOBS AVAILABLE – there are help wanted signs in almost every fast food facility. It’s not a great job – but if they haven’t checked it out, McDonalds pays pretty good entry level earnings. Your son and the 19-year old NEED to be contributing – or they need to do some serious thinking about who else will take them in without their contributing. You need to make clear that this is not just a discussion – but a plea for help that requires action NOW. If they want to continue living with you while they get on their feet – that will be acceptable for some set period of time – say a year – but during that year any adult living in your home MUST contribute $XXX on the 1st and 15th of each month. The 14-year old needs to be included in the family discussion – but you need to tell him/her that the time will come when he too is considered an adult and must pay his fair share – but until then, his “job” is to do as well as he can in school. Generally, people who are doing wrong know it and they are embarrassed to be put on the spot – and may even try to switch the blame to you. To some extend, you can try to avoid a showdown by simply appealing to them that times are tough and you need to make a PLAN together to get through it. Whatever happens, the next step is yours – if you must scale down, then let them know that since they failed to act when given the opportunity, you can no longer mentally or financially afford their upkeep and then do what you need to do to restore your household. You are not alone in this dilemma – legions of Mothers have been in your shoes. You are in our hopes and prayers.
Your comments made me think about your shaky financial situation, especially as your husband had a service connected disability. Are you receiving SBP and DIC or is the offset erasing the SBP? You may find help by contacting Gold Star Wives of America at http://www.goldstarwives.org for information and support.
Sorry, for the spelling and grammar. I tried correcting, to slow time out. I had to post or lose it.
Here’s my question: who was YOUR gravy train when you started out? If you’re like me, that train missed my station! What I have, little as it is, I got through hard work, at some points three jobs at one time.
SassySr, sell that ranch and be comfortable. That money will come in handy in the future. Earmark it for your care.
Once our kids grow up, they need to get busy creating their lives – one job, two, whatever it takes. We have to learn to say no, because I promise you this: use your assets to bail them out and your old age will find you in a state-run home b/c they’ll still be broke and ‘unable’ to help you.
romoe, I feel for that 14-yr-old. I’d consider taking him with me into a small apt that simply would not accommodate dad and sis, who are both of age and able to get their lives in order. But there’s a limit as to what we “owe” our kids. WE give them a start but they have to run with it.
As for political differences, I’d just dismiss it. I’ve been through wildly liberal and wildly conservative phases before settling down to a pragmatic approach that serves me well. I think it’s just a matter of age bringing insight. Of course, I had the benefit of news organizations reporting actual facts and not going to court to protect their right to present lies as truth. Now, it’s a tough call, and that’s just wrong. Journalists ought to be required to broadcast the facts and not pick and choose or show only the part they like of what happened. Integrity used to be the name of the game. THAT’s what I’m sorry to lose.
As for correlating faith stance and political views, I think there are as many faith-filled liberals as conservatives. IN some cases, the believers’ own faith inspires their greater tolerance.