adult daughter moving home

My daughter is moving back home with me and her step-father. She’s been on her own for several years now but cannot afford it anymore. I was just beginning to overcome our co-dependency issues and want to hold onto that but am not sure what to expect in our new situation. She is very unhappy about moving back.

Posted in family & relationships.

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7 Responses

  1. dynamomma dynamomma says

    Hi DianeMarie:  I remember when my daughter moved back home, with a daughter of her own.  I simply went into my own bedroom and sat down and cried and cried.  My husband (her dad) and I had just started to become young and free again (something we hadn’t had for 25 years). My daughter and I sat down and talked about my feelings and what it would do to her dad’s and my relationship now.  So before I talked with her, I dug deep and came up with my inner most fears about the changes being forced on me.  I really wanted to throw a tantrum like a two year old (I didn’t).  You’re lucky she has no children that just adds another layer of problems.  So after you determine you deepest fears and feelings I would think about what she will add in terms cost of living, housework, etc., anything that’s going to change your current daily functioning.  She needs to share in the cost to live there.  And one more thing . . . what about her dating, having her friends over, having her boy friends spend the night?  She needs to know that even though she may be an adult, she is still in your house and she lives by your rules.  Hey, that’s just the way it is!!!!   Somewhere there might be a list of things to consider when an adult child moves back home.  You could think that you have them all down patt and all is well — wrong — something will come up that you didn’t anticipate and all hell will break loose.  So in your considerations, make sure you immediately, I said immediately start talking about little itty bitty things that start to bug you and come to some resolution about them.   The itty bitty things have a way of growing into huge things.  Then after you have gotten everything off your chest and feel heard, give her a chance and listen with your heart to her.  Most of the time I advocate “seek first to understand, then to be understood”.  Not in this case.  If you start with her problems you will never get a chance to discuss yours.  By the way, I don’t know what co-dependency issues you are talking about with a daughter.  I hope she not an addict.  If she is, I’d consider helping her pay rent before I’d let her move back home.  If you want to talk about the co-dependent issues come on back.  Bless you and good luck with all of this.

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    • Generic Image SIZZELN says

      Such good advice. I will need you sometime in the future, thanks.

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    • DianeMarie DianeMarie says

      Thanks Dynamomma! I feel better already knowing I’m not alone. I have considered all the things you mentioned, even going into a 2-day depressed period before realizing I needed to think about how it was all going to effect me. By co-dependency I mean an emotional interdependence we’ve had with each other all our lives, mostly due to the vey difficult circumstances of her childhood. We’ve both had therapy for this. I think your advice to think of myself first is the best thing I could hear. That’s always hard for mothers to do. She’s 27 years old today, has a new boyfriend, a job she enjoys working 12-hour shifts 3 days a week, and is going to school part-time. All very positive things and I’m proud of her. We’ll just have to make this new living arrangement work. By the way her step-father is totally supportive.

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  2. Generic Image grace says

    well if a parent do not have compassion who will, My son came and all my life turn up side down, he used to have the lights on through the night, do not want to cook his own meals, he does not want to clean his room, and when he saw my room clean, he told me, Mom could we change rooms!!!!!!!!!!! I just laugh by myself. I am single and I had a partner, no more. My son came from Europe,  he speaks german and russian, and when he was angry with me he used to tell me, spasiva grace, he tell my name!!!!!!!!!!!, not mother, plain and simple, I am his best friend. He went to Mexico,  and he told me, how much do you miss me, are you lonely….mmmmmmmmmmmm NOOOOO!. I told my daughter and my son, even if I were poor I will have a bed for you,  a bed not all the house, but do you know something I really miss him, with his jokes and well he took the garbage every day, and I He is my best friend yes, but very selfish.

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    • DianeMarie DianeMarie says

      Grace I agree. No matter how old our children get they are still our children and we care about them and their welfare. Your son sounds like a rascal and I can see why you would miss him. Yes, have a bed ready if they need it but live your own life.

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