adult children that hate each other

I am having a hard enough time being the only caretaker to husband with ALS of 46 years.  My adult children don’t get along at all, both such different people.  And one of them has a personality mental problem.   that one will not believe that i love them both the same and they are 2 unique people.   this one just brings arguements, conflicts and doesn’t help at all, even argues with her sick father then cries about losing him and i am in the middle.  any suggestions?

Posted in family & relationships.

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8 Responses

  1. dynamomma dynamomma says

    It’s obvious  Sandra K. that the one with the mental problem has lots of other problems to go along with it.  The biggest one being that she doesn’t have any self confidence or reasoning skills.  Probably she’s even jealous of the time you give to your husband (her dad, yes?) and doesn’t feel she can complain about him so she takes it out on the other sister.  All of you need help in living through this time together.  So please try to get some counseling.  But also remember that “it takes two to argue and have conflicts“.  If one won’t argue, the other one can’t argue.  I know . . . you’d like to lessen her hurts and problems, but you can’t “reason” her into rational thinking.  When you are around these conflicts, if she isn’t directly asking you a question, then don’t try   to provide an answer.  Just listen in love.

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    • Generic Image Elizabeth says

      Glad to hear your response dynamomma.  She does lack self confidence and probably resoning skills.  The other sibling is her brother and she is jealous.  And it does take 2 to argue and I have to shut up and ignore the things she says.  Like the other day I accidentally mentioned to her that her brother & his wife bought a cute stilt house on a canal.  She said well maybe a hurricane will blow them away.  I didn’t say anything but you’d think she would have said how nice for them or something.  I will listen more in love.  But it drives me crazy like Mother’s Day.  One was coming over but thought the other would be and didn’t, can’t get together and they live close by.  I told both of them that all I want is for them to be nice to each other for a month.  Neither of them would try.  And I would love their support and get along.   But I will try harder, Thanks.

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  2. OldBlonde OldBlonde says

    Hi Sandra,

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much all at one time.  You must be feeling like you are being pulled from all sides.

    My situation is somewhat similar but not nearly as difficult as having a husband with such a severe and terminal illness. Both my children have mental disorders that affect our family life on a daily basis.  There are times when they cannot be civil to one another and it really stresses me out.  My husband has been unemployed since Feb. ’09. He continues to hire on to companies that misrepresent themselves and/or the real day to day responsibilities of the job.  Some of them are huge companies so it always takes us by surprise.

    Unemployment is in no way as stressful as being a caregiver to a loved one who has a terminal illness.  I am only responding to your post because I want you to know that there are gals here on VN, who can appreciate the difficult situation you are in.

    Please continue to post.  We all want to support you however we can.

    Arms around you. 

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  3. Lynnette Lynnette says

    Pray and meditate when you have the time.  It has to be a very stressful situation.  We are here whenever you need some release.  Be kind to yourself, when the arguing begins, leave the house even if it is for 10 mins.  Walk around the block, it is summer, so you may have good weather.  Eventually the person will get it.  Inflicting stress on your mother is not a good thing. 

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  4. Lynnette Lynnette says

    and what about the other one?  Can this one get some professional help?  Sounds like he is very insecure, has anger issues and has no inner peace.   If it were a 50+ woman i would say it is hormonal, but that is not the case,

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    • Generic Image Elizabeth says

      Lynnette, thanks for your response.   read my response to dynamomma.  and i accidentally hit report instead of reply to this comment and it said this would be reported.  false alarm to whoever reads this.  sorry.

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  5. Generic Image Tracy99 says

    I think that you have to make sure you take care of yourself too.  Sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do about your  adult children getting along.  You have a big enough burden already without taking that on too!  I am from a family of four adult children that don’t get along, and when my dad was dying we all came together (however briefly) for his sake.  We are now apart again, not speaking, but all loved him very much.  At some point we all have to take responsibility for our actions and your children should be there for you too, not just for themselves.  If you find it more painful to have them there, don’t feel bad about asking them to leave.  Get all the help you can from people that love and support you.  They are the ones that will be there for you in the end.

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