In so much pain. My son was married just seven short months ago. I thought he made an excellent choice and was hoping for a wonderful new life with a daughter since I had only two sons. I raised them on my own and the 3 of us lived together in harmony and love into their adult life. I re-married 5 yrs ago & moved in with my wonderful hubby, while boys stayed in my townhome, at a reduced rental rate (can’t sell with market tank). I wanted to help them since it is so hard for young people in such a bad economy. Then new daughter in law moved in after wedding and all seemed okay.
Now the new bride demands my single son move out within the next 30 days. She says she wants to paint his room and do some updating to the house, before they start having kids. I tried to express my concern and reminded both sons and daughter in law that the house was mine, I am the landlord doing them a huge favor therefore I deserve some kind of respect, warning or communication that they were giving notice for my other son to vacate. I asked for them to at least be patient and allow him more time to find a decent and affordable place.
I was immediately put on notice by new daughter that this was none of my business! A crushing blow considering the financial support I have gifted them in more ways beyond the cheap rent. My married son says he stands by his new wife and I am reduced to another status, below the priority of husband and wife. He wants nothing more to do with me and both have now threatened to prevent any relationship with future grandchildren.
Was I wrong and clueless in my assumption that we could all be friends and that my relationship could still remain sweet with my son? I guess the saying I used in this title is quite accurate. I had heard this saying over the years, but never dreamed it would happen to me. I now resent the emotional and financial support since all I really wanted in return for my favors was respect and appreciation for what I had given. It is clear by their reaction that they are threatened that I have any control over their living space, even though I have not asked them for any details about the painting, updating etc. I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth. I am hurting beyond what can be expressed. Could really use some support – please !
yes, like my soon to be ex husband! He also fits #s1,3,4,5 above.
now we are on here on this site we have each other for comfort as we all need it.
it is just so crazy the price we pay. none of us i truly believe has done anything wrong, except to care too much. when you are faced with a family shattered by our adult children’s attitude and disregard it is unbearable. even if this attitude comes from their new relationship. you just can’t take it in and they are almost strangers. you are left reeling from it all. i have stopped kicking myself up the bxtt over this as it does not help. you may thinking of them but are they thinking of you. we have to look after ourselves and start enjoying what is left to us after years of mother love and hard labour bringing up our kids. pick up your battered heart and slowly move on. treat yourself well and start over. hard to lavish the care on yourself that you have given to your kids but i am now doing it. i am sure we all did the best job of taking care of our kids but they drop us as soon as they think the grass is greener……it may takes years to come back around again it will be different ..but you have to take care of yourself while waiting. move forward i have done this it is not an easy road. the choice is be miserable or put that sadness in a box and enjoy your own life. no going back move forward as it can’t be changed. buy your own flowers, coffee, choc’s ,nice clothes, days/nights out whatever it takes… cos we all deserve better! enjoy the freedom as you know they at the moment do not give damn until they need something from you!
love and hugs to you all.
Darcy, what you said, below, cracked me up! OMG…I needed that! It’s so true…”We are quite a bunch!”"
“My son dropped by yesterday, brought me a coffee and gave me a kiss. Well, my response was pure unadulterated gratitude — and all I got was a Kiss and a Coffee. Who else works for 25 years for that kind of pay??? Aren’t, we mothers, a strange bunch.”
Grumpy, you pretty much nailed it…it’s our turn now to give to ourselves! My question is… can we do it? As soon as they call, we will go running! Arrrgh!
I must say, this conversation has been healing for me. Just to know all of you sweethearts are out there and understanding exactly what I have experienced. Hey, maybe if there is such a thing as reincarnation, we will choose careers! Lol
Now, I’m off for that coffee and sweet roll (no one to kiss here, at the moment).
we are all sending you a kiss and a cuddle. i know this sounds tough but when and if they do come running back……..hold back if you can…..no money help and let them work to sort their own problems out. it will not hurt to see them struggle for a while and come to terms with what got them in a mess in the first place. if you are too quick to step in, you will be at their mercy . they will see you as a soft touch. i can treat my mum as i want and she will fold. you have to remember that it was there choice and if they get a lumpy head from falling over in the mire…. you can say there, there and to be a shoulder to cry on. they have to learn to stand up on their own two feet and then they may appreciate and respect all you have done for them. i gave because i wanted to so nothing owed by son but at the same time respect and appreciation costs nothing. this is yet to come by the way for me. i know i will be strong as i have just about got over the back stabbing pain and having my heart cut out. you have to let them grow up and be responsible for their own actions. i would love to blame just the partner of my son, as that would so easy. my son chose how to be behave towards me and i will forgive and i have done so but not forget. to forgive helps with your own healing and you have to let go of bad thought. it may happen again and again if you jump in to quick with help. so what ever years i have got left i am going to have some ….me time. i still care and love my son but i know what he is capable of now. so i am saving some of that kind caring attention for myself. it takes a while to put yourself first… but once you start to enjoy those little treats, it becomes easy. go for it ladies start to today and do not look back as it will eat you alive. today is the day for no more tears and sorrow and please enjoy what you have left. do not take any more poop from your adult children. why because you just do not have the time for any more nonsense. now let me think what i can treat myself to, so much choice so little time…pass the cakes and coffee. laugh out loud ladies cos i know you have been all great mums and not one of us deserves to be treated with so much disrespect. thinking of you from over the pond u.k kind regards to you and here is that kiss x
Thanks, grumpy, for some more great suggestions! I need to print all of these responses so that I can get a boost, when needed! Also, thanks for the kiss X, so sweet!
A quick note to DeAnn! this was, originally, your post and we have kind of taken it over! Lol Let us know how it is going with you son and little Ms. Bossy! Lol
i am sorry too…we did take over ..sorry once again. but you have brought all of us together and that is a good thing as we all needed to get some comfort from each other. i think all the posts have helped as we now know we are not alone and can move forward. i have taken advice on. you are all wise and very helpful. thanks to everyone.
Yes, those are good attitudes to have. My mother basically tells me the same thing when I talk to her about my kids. She says to enjoy my life, the kids are gone and I did the best I could for them. We certainly can’t count on them and that is a hard pill to swallow. Seems like yesterday I was holding each of them as newborns, and I never would think things would be like this. Does seem like they’re strangers sometimes. It’s interesting to be on here and see that this is a fairly common phenomenon. At least we can vent and talk to each other, I’m grateful for that.
Hi Grumpy, Evie, and the rest, You gals rock! I am trying to grab as much wisdom and hugs as possible to move past the hurts dished out by son and DIL. As posted above, I will hope that someday my son will appear with a cup of coffee and a kiss for mom but for now I won’t hold my breath. It has been a bumpy road the last several weeks and I am ready for some self nurturing after getting beat up. It is hard to move past the disappointment as all I ever wanted was some respect and small acts of appreciation for all that has been poured out. As noted in other posts, I will likely not hear anything until there is trouble and he needs my help. It should not be this way, but life goes on and I cannot continue to dwell on the injustice. Thanks again to all of you great gals
you have been very brave and seem to be coming to terms with everything that has gone on with your son and dil …..well done and keep going. i would let him your son know you will always love and care for him as you do your other son. because mother love is hard to switch off. i am sure it will come around again for you and your family . it is the wait for things to get back on track that is hard. this time has to be spent looking after yourself. doing nice things for yourself. try and forgive him as this lays easy on the heart. you helped because you wanted to and never expected the outcome of being kind.
not nice, what has happened but it is a done deal now . so move forward. this was not a situation you caused. you left the town house for both boys to enjoy at low rent and dil. so you have done the fair thing by both the boys. if your son does not reply to text or e mail, letter or call, you have at least let him know that that you are still his one and only loving mother and still love him. tough job being a mum. now be good to yourself as you have been battered and now it is time to pick up and enjoy what is left to you. no respect from the kids then respect yourself. it takes time to get to this point but when you reach it you will find a new freedom. it was his choice not yours to be mean to your other son or allow it to happen. you had no say in this. to my mind you have acted fairly to both sons. big hug and no more tears as it is done now and be good to yourself. all i can say to you is…. you know when you are on the mend when your first thought on waking is not them or your last. then you wake with… what am i going to do today. what little treat can i afford myself. i having my friends over… if it makes you happy do it …days out; nights out go for it. i think your time now has to focus on you….and your a great gal too! we are all behind you! keep using the site as it is a good booster for low days and gets you right back up there. love to you ladies in the u.s from this lady in the u.k xxxx
Hey, gals…you all have me tearing up! We are indeed special!!
Let’s do stay in touch for our ‘booster shots’! Love to all!
i think at times sadness comes in waves and you do need a boost to keep from letting it swallow you up. we gals… will be here…. as no doubt other things will happen that will come as a slap in the face. i have had about a dozen slaps so far. i have a new medical condition it is called, slap face! outside support can be so good. your family members can be too close to give objective thoughts of how to overcome your grief and shock. it is not pleasant to deal with and we all need that comfort. that we caring mums and dads, are not alone. good parents do not expect or deserve this treatment from our kids. young adults seem to think they are entitled to behave badly, have what they want now and not think about anyone but themselves and get away with it. my view is tough. carry on son until you bump your head, real hard! it is the only way that our kids are then faced with their own behaviour . like you i am still waiting for that bump. it will come as we have been here longer than our children and no doubt have had a few knocks in life and have come through it. their knocks are yet to come and that is when they will need us. the disregarded seniors of life, to help or find them a path to overcome the situation.
your son and dil have lost their comforter/dummy for now and you may have to pay a price for this but it was your sons choice to throw his dummy, out of the pram. i do hope when you get your extra rent in from new tenants that you have lined up a treat for yourself! hope it is a good one. once you have spent a little on yourself it will get easier. being a carer of others then taking steps to care for yourself is hard . givers find it hard to give to themselves. small steps first… but it does get better. i am changing my wardrobe. i am affording myself this. it is a pleasure for me to buy me some nice clothes and shoes where i had always put this money on the back of my kids. i.e cars, food , education,housing plus bills for them. now my son can work a bit harder for those things. it was a privilege to help him but not his right to think i was going to be his bank for life. i am making him pull himself up by his bootstraps so he stands on his own two feet. it is the silent scream i am getting at the moment….carry on… as i am to the shops as so need another nice new outfit and i can’t hear you……love to everyone. thinking of you and do keep in touch as all of us would like to know the ending. no matter how long it takes as we want you to come out of this and be on top of the world. now good lady treat yourself to something good i want to know what that is also. no matter how small or large! just so long as you enjoy it! you, have earned it for all those years you put in for one the hardest jobs ever, being a mum xxx
Grumpy, you need to change your name…you don’t sound “grumpy” at all! Lol
I agree with Evie, grumpy does not sound grumpy to me either
I will be going to my lawyers office this afternoon to pick up new documents with revisions to my family trust and will. I have been working on a letter to send to my son and DIL with new documents. It is a work in progress as I have changed it many times in the last week. It was more angry when I started writing, but since I feel sad in having to do these revisions I have grown tired of the mean tone. I had secretly hoped that some gesture would come offering apology or efforts towards mending the upset but of course nothing if coming. My hubby thinks I should hold onto the documents for a bit longer, as the reaction will likely be tough for me, and he wants me to have a brake from the chaos. I am walking a fine line trying to not burn bridges but send strong messages. My hubby planned a small get a way trip next week end, as he felt I could use a lift with a treat to look forward to. We are going up to Monterey/Carmel coastline of northern California to stay in a B & B on the ocean. Self nurturing for DeeAnn! Thanks again to all you great gals for the kindness, support and loving words. Evie, I am going to think positive for your Florida reunion and the joy you will have in seeing your Grandson. I hope that I can report back with good news to you all, if this drama ever comes to a good conclusion. Grumpy where do you live???
i am so sorry that you are in such turmoil. could you have your holiday first to clear your mind before any action and your letter to your son..have a rest first, if possible. this is so tough for you. i think just give yourself time and you will find the right words and path to take. i would point out you are acting in a fair manner to both son and dil and your other son. the town house was for all the family to enjoy not just him and dil at low rental. that you as the mother of two boys that you love and care for could not treat them…….. your sons…. in any different way. this is a hard thing to do but say you forgive him for the way he has behaved towards you and his brother. why am i saying this….. because they then have to forgive themselves which is much harder thing to do and it gives you a free mind and heart that you have acted fairly and not in a mean way. the trust and the will are a private matter and do not have to be aired at the moment if ever. you may change your mind down the line so this can be kept private. you are doing this as you love both of your boys and you do not have a favourite so it left you no choice that no one should enjoy your town house and that it was the only reasonable thing to do. then it would be up to son and dil which way they play this out. you have given good reason for giving them notice and why…. because of his bad choices and being fair to your other son. it may leave the door open and the bridges still intact for another time and gives your son a way back in time. be good to yourself on holiday have a great break to rest your weary mind. i am sure like the rest of us, you hope for a good outcome and your family back on track so don’t burn the bridges leave them open because from all the way from here over land and ocean.. i can feel you not wanting to lose your son. thinking of you. x
it is the nick name for my hubby also called singer by school friends. our house is called grumpys pad. no he is not grumpy he is a very nice person but we tease him, the family that is… as he does not talk much. when he does though he is very straight talking . no grey areas for him. no lying or cheating as this will not do ,he bites then if he is told an untruth, he can be misunderstood for this. all i can say is that he is most caring man and loves his family, as i do. we laugh a lot together …… our grandchild calls him grumpy instead of granddad….he is stuck with it now… we all love grumpy here! my name is kim hope that clears it up .it is just that i am grumpys and will be to the end. even with all the ups and downs i would do it all again with him i have not once changed my mind about him from the first time i met him . i knew he was the one. i have had the most wonderful love affair for all these years. we look out and look after each other. not in gushing romantic way it is much more solid than that. i trust him say if i were drowning he would rescue me and not stick his foot on my head ! i hope you are laughing !
Just color me green. Thanks to all the strong women who posted their thought and best information under this topic. Who knew? I will bookmark this one and when things look impossible to deal with, I will remember this and all the wonderful ladies who gave their absolute best.
Color me green … because I was never, back then, informed enough to make good choices; and if did I made sure to mess them up so they would look like something familiar.
Now I see the benefits to having a partner with whom to grow old. AND now I am not in the market. Have cats .. won’t travel.
Love, peace, coffee and kisses.
Yes, I am laughing! I’m glad he would rescue you and not “stick his foot on your head”! Lol
It is wonderful that you married a man who you could experience lasting love with. This seems to be a rare thing!
Sometimes “grumpy” is cute/funny!
I am called “The bear”, by my hubby in the mornings (before coffee).
to all you ladies i live in england in a village called hampton in evesham a small market town in worcestershire. it is a very historical town and has some fine black and white elizabethan houses and abbey. it has bridge to cross to reach the town with a large meadow for public use and a park. this bridge is because of the river flowing through it. we are very rural and pretty. there are many farms growing fruit and veg here. we have a rowing club and tennis plus golf further out of town. the town has many villages surrounding it. i live in the valley and have views of all the hills around me. it was thriving town before the recession but we have been hit bad by this but we all hope our town will recover. at night it is so quiet where i live you can hear a pin drop. everyone knows everyone though so if you have a secret you keep it to yourself. people speak to you here and we take care of the seniors in our street. it is an old fashioned sort of place. there are some modern elements, pool, cinema, gym but not a lot of shops you have to travel for this. the nearest place that some of you may have heard of is the cotswolds or stratford upon avon or broadway as these places attract tourist from all over the world. ….. bear is funny too! thinking of you all and holding my breath for a good outcome for deeann and all of us with are kids x i live by a norman church very pretty too. i will go in and light a candle for us all .not that i am name dropping but ….in the name of the father the son and the holy ghost i hope he will give us peace in our troubled times and let our kids see the light.
Grumpy, you know how to help me laugh. What great lines about the foot on your head in the water, LOL. I want to come live with you as your town sounds marvelous to me. After all the chaos with my son I would love to spend some quiet time in your village. It sounds quite magical with beauty and charm. My hubby and I often talk about checking out of our current crazy busy life and spend our remaining days in peace and serenity. Somewhere like you describe. We love each other deeply and really enjoy each others company, especially quiet times. I have been known to be grumpy without my coffee, but I am really grumpy with freeway traffic, which we must endure in my big city world. Thanks for lighting a candle for me
I can use all the help I can get in my present family drama. I took your advise and did a bit of shopping after the law visit today. I got myself a new winter white blouse, as I thought I deserved a treat after all the crap I have had to deal with in the last few weeks. I miss my son so much… Thanks and big hugs for the laughs and kind words!!!
it is sunday here in the afternoon my candle was burning when i left the church, this morning. the church had many flowers and was beautiful as there is a christening today. just hope my prayer will be heard, for all of us.
i am so glad you treated yourself to a nice blouse.. in a way you are now starting to think i now have …me.. money instead of saving every dollar for your kids to enjoy. if they make wrong choices then they can pay for them it should not be on your tab. the more we support them in bad choices the more it seems they will take and not stand on their own two feet. i hope you give yourself time with your letter to your son and legal changes which can be kept private, to you. i hope also that your son sees that you have acted fairly to a very unfair situation, he put you in which should not have happened in the first place. by the way the grass is not always greener on the other side. i am sure you have a great city and the main road can be a nightmare here when the farmers move on the road with tractors and do not pull over . the tail back can be bad. we do have a very low crime rate but things still do go on. at one time you could walk down town at any time of night and be safe. i would not do this now. the problems we have i am sure go on everywhere. try and give your mind a rest now before taking action and fingers crossed your son will see that you as his mother acted in a fair minded by both your boys. good luck. be good to yourself and no more tears or worry as it is done and you just have to wait till they find their comforter/dummy again. you just have to let them know you love and forgive them and will always be their mum. very hard to do and say but this leaves a door open for when the time is right they can walk back through. i believe no true loving mother would ever want to close that door and nail it shut. what you are giving now is your love still as that will always be there even when they are having a tantrum! next purchase may be some earmuffs so you can’t hear him screaming about the new rent he has to pay…… until he calms down. white would be good to match your blouse. you could set a new trend in fashion for all of us. lol i might get a set and wear them to bed… no doubt this will give grumpy a heart attack or worse put him in a nursing home. he would not understand what they were for and think i was going in for something new and frighten him to death that he would have to keep up. lol xxx thinking of you x
I’ve got no words of wisdom to impart, just let me say that my heart breaks for you….
Do take care of yourself…..extra nurturing at this time is needed!
Grumpy, that sounds so lovely! Why don’t you post a few pics for us? I LOVE seeing places I know I’ll never get to visit.
it will take a while as i do not know how to do this. i will need to find a boffin to explain how to get pics downloaded on to my lap top. i will make the effort and ask around. the young lad on the end of my road is very good as he set me up for wireless but i have to catch him first. i will ask him if he can give me a lesson and when he if he says yes, when.
i have tried to paste pics on here it does not seem to allow you do it but i will try and come up with something. when i do i will let you know how to get into the account . i think i may have to open a new account on another site. i will come back to you when i have worked it out. i may have to open another hotmail or facebook account. i need to speak to one of the kids in the street who is a whizz at this. sorry it is taking so long but i am a novice at this tecno stuff.
Darcy09,
Many of us “didn’t know” and made so many wrong decisions/choices. Sometimes I honestly think it is “the luck of the draw”. When we have to make big life choices, we are too young to know our head from a hole in the ground! So, as you know from the posts on this site, many women are looking back and wondering “What happened?!”
I’ve had my heartbreaks, divorced, re-married, and am still “training” my second husband in areas. Lol Hey, my cats are a big source of company…love the little critters!
I wish we could see where grumpy lives! It sounds simply charming!
This thread could go on for years!! Lol!
hey i am working on getting some pics on my camera phone and asking the young lad how to download them on to here so i can share just to let you know i went shopping and i have never bought things just because i liked them as too busy making sure kids came first. i have started small treating myself ….well i bought some really nice glass ware. whilst we were shopping hubby said i has a double in the shop and she could have been my twin sister. i asked him if he spoke to her. he said no as she looked miserable……so i told him she must of been my sister then …he was crying with laughter we carry on like this all the time with each other
….hope you lol also. we need to keep laughing or we will go under xxxxxx
It sounds like you and your hubby have some great laughs… so important to a relationship!!
My husband just came in the room with battery operated cat ears! They move with various moods/emotions! Apparently, the Japanese invented them. What a riot. He is a gadget nut and I never know what to expect!
I’m glad that this post, which started out with such a sad element, has turned into some fun. We are a resilient bunch! xo’s
glad you can still laugh you need to. keep going! it gets better with time and you can almost feel normal again. yes, your son will keep coming up in your mind but it doesn’t mean he has to take over. resilient is a good word. take care now and the cat ears sound a blast as they must be doing overtime. i suggested earmuffs to grumpy he has told me, he is far too young for any of that nonsense x
Hi Evie, Grumpy and others! So I have some kind of special design next to my original post since I have gotten so many blog replies. So do I win a price? That would fun, I feel so blessed to have found this site and made some new friends, under such bad circumstances. There is always a silver lining so thanks to all you great ladies for keeping me laughing and smiling even when I have felt like crying. It is a beautiful Sunday here in San Diego. Grumpy, thanks for lighting the candle for me and others, as we need all the help we can get. Good luck with the pictures, posting to this site, as we would love to see. I am not very computer minded and have a hard time figuring things out. I found a marvelous antique mirror this morning at an estate sale while I was out getting coffee. It is very old and worth quite a bit but I got it for cheap and proud of myself for getting such a great find. More nurturing gifts for DeeAnn
I am watching football with hubby as we enjoy our week ends together before going back to the work week grind. I will be asking for his help with my letter to my son. I try not to think about this problem all the time, since it brings me down. It hurts a bit less each day, but I wish there could be some resolution. I need happy endings… my husband says I am a hopeless romantic as I sulk even at the end of a movie that ends badly. I know life is not always a rose garden, but I seek happiness and peace. Too many tough times in life up to this point. Evie, too hot here for ear muffs, almost 80 today. Our winter is mild but but perhaps I will buy some ear muffs anyway and where them to bed just to see what hubby says as that will be good for a laugh. I come to bed with cold feet most nights so he will likely tell me to put the muffs on my feet, lol. Thanks again ladies for keeping this blog alive and well, xoxo to all 
DeeAnn, I just want to say — I do not think there is a “right” way to word your letter. I suspect the moment the DIL reads it, she will shred your words and then twist them so meaning is not yours. SO, go ahead with your best and know it is your best and the chips will just — well — fall. Those folks who insist on being right all the time are so irritating to those of us who just want a joyful compromise. Just takes on ex, or a child, or a careless friend and the notion of being right (even sometimes) is gone.
Thanks ladies. This communication is terrific!
well done you, on the mirror double enjoyment as you can give your self a smug grin in it for getting so cheap! i have been thinking of you because i know the time is coming close for your letter. i am sure wording this has to be done with great care and not with anger. no matter if you are mad as hell as sons stupidity. being fair and reasonable to both of your sons makes sense. not sure how that can be argued with. you love them both the same. the house which yours rented to them both so you are doing the right thing by them both if one son can,t enjoy your gift neither can the other. you are being a fair and square mother to both sons. please let us now how you get on. we are all willing you on for a good outcome. x
“Nurturing gift for DeAnn”…sounds perfect to me!!:)
Yes, this has turned into a blog, of sorts. I’m not sure I have seen a thread last this long. Maybe they will pull the plug on us, one day. If so, post again and we will continue! Lol
I talked to my sweet DIL, the one in L.A., and she said that she loves me and will always be there for me…made me cry.
It’s too bad that the two daughter in laws can’t be friends, but that will never happen. My younger son’s wife has a strong personality disorder and cannot be a friend. Why my son chose her for a wife is totally baffling! I know she caught him on the rebound from a break up…he was vulnerable. Oh well…
Like you said, DeAnn, the week end is coming to a close and the “work grind” returns! Have a good week and stay in touch!
Sending hugs to all!
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with this continuing on is there? I’m very new here & don’t know the lay of the land yet.
Hi, DG59!
Well, we can hope! If there are limits, we can ask DeAnn for a follow up post!
Hello ladies….My name is June and I have been following this post for about a week. You have no idea how this has helped me!! You are wonderful! I have been having some of these problems with son son and DIL and thought I was crazy. What on earth did I do to deserve such hateful treatment and words? Things are fairly well resolved now, but things are not the same. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells (I just ordered the book based on your recommendations) and can’t say what I feel or be myself. My problems are not as severe as some of yours, but it feels like it could get that way at any time. My son, DIL, and 2 beautiful grandsons live in another state, but I will be moving near them at retirement. I’d like to stick around, if you’ll have me, and get some tips from you. I’ll be visiting there for Thanksgiving and need some support. Hugs to all…June
please, stay with all of us. i am sure everyone here would welcome any loving mum or dad who feels that some days are just black where the kids are concerned. we now support each other. it has to be said that everyone here has given freely. may it be advice or heart felt care of each others feelings in our sad times. it gives you a lift to know we have each other until the good times come back ,no matter how long that takes. i so want to know if things work out for any of us as it gives me hope. i just know that if you were all here i would have to hire the village hall and have a party so we could all meet each other and have a few hours of joy and bliss. why because we would know that we are in club of broken hearts and dreams and that there is hope of healing and being the person you once were whole and mended. that would mean so much. so keep posting if you feel a black day. i am sure one of us on this site would answer and reassure you that you are not crazy or any other thing you may be feeling right now. big hug and be good to yourself you need to do this or you will go under. start today even in a small way.
read all the posts again if you need to as i do if i am feeling low. it keeps you on track to get back to being the person you were before all the bad things happened. you and i and all the other mums have not changed but our children have…they are having what we call a deaf dumb and blind moment our kids can not feel us see us or hear us….but it will come around again i am sure so no giving up or giving in but carry on with your own life and enjoy it. i wish i could cuddle you and say everything will be okay in the end but we all may be in for the long haul but at least we will be together. x
Hey, grumpy! Rent that village hall…I’ll be on my way!
Welcome, June!
“Walking on eggshells” is pretty much the way it will be if you want to continue seeing your grandchildren. There is no fairness to it, but I have to think it will pay off in the long run. they will know their grandmother and that is so worth it.
The severity of the problems you may encounter depends so much on the severity of ignorance, or even personality disorder, you are contending with. If things have been even tolerable perhaps you have a chance.
In my case, my DIL is extreme, very selfish, and even downright mean. One of our relatives said that she “pretends to be nice, almost imitating goodness…like is imitating others…no sincerity, no real connecting”. I thought he pretty much ‘nailed’ her. Our relationship never had a chance. I was told that she treats my grandson like a grown man and has since he was a toddler. He is a concert pianist and that is his life…very lopsided. Ah well…I could go on.
If you move closer to your family, just be sure to keep a somewhat low profile and come by invitation only. I’m SURE they will want a babysitter! Those will be the times you will connect with the little ones. Even then, monitoring what they carry back to their parents may be wise.
It shouldn’t be this way and how would we have ever known. Bizarre doesn’t even begin to describe this.
Hugs from here!
Dee Ann, are you not still the landlord of the property? If your son and his new wife have chosen to treat you badly, do they deserve discounted rent? Why not give them notice that immediately upon the vacancy of your other son, their monthly rent will be market rate. Alternatively, if they don’t want you to be involved in their living arrangements, they can move out. Your other son could stay and get a roommate. They are being spoiled, selfish and childish. If your son was a toddler, he’d be given timeout with no treats for this type of selfish behavior. I understand you are hurt from being treated badly, but sometimes, even with our children, we have to put our foot down and not allow ourselves to be mistreated. I hope you find a resolution for your situation. Hugs!
Brenda H – I totally agree with you. I’m kind of surprised that no discussions took place about living arrangements prior to the DIL moving in. At any rate, they are being totally selfish and spoiled. It’s not your son’s or his wife’s call as to who lives there, for how long and for what price. You did say you expressed this concern to them, however you also say you asked if they could at least give your other son more time to look for an affordable place. I think your son and dil should be the ones to look for a place. I assume they are both working and can better afford a place as opposed to your other son. If you allow them to call the shots right out of the gate, there’s bound to be more trouble. I know you don’t want to be estranged from your son but you need to stand your ground in the most non emotional way possible. I’m sorry for you – I know it’s easier said than done. Hope it gets better!!
Screw all that! Give the young couple notice let them move out and get a dose of reality making it on their own. Let the other son live there and pay rent maybe with a roommate paying the half his brother use to pay. Let the other couple get a dose of reality and maybe they will learn to be more grateful. Oh so they aren’t going to let you see the grandchildren. So what! They won’t be getting any free babysitting. If you don’t get this in hand now it is only going to get worse with them using the grandchildren to blackmail you to manipulate you. Nip it in the butt now or you will be sorry. Believe me I know. I have three daughters and eleven grandchildren and my daughters are my best friends so I know. We had our hard times but when they realized they weren’t going to get anywhere with that behavior then I got thier respect.
I do have to say I respect your son for taking his wives side even if she was wrong. This is how marriage is suppose to be. You should be sure later that you respect him for that even if it was the wrong side as I’m sure you would have wanted your husband to take your side over your mother in laws side in any similar circumstance.
not if it were my mother in laws house i was sitting in. only if it were my own home would i expect my husband to stand up for me. plus to treat his own brother this way is bad and sad news. i am sure the son would like to try please everyone and does not want to hurt his mother or his wife. he no doubt does not know which way to jump and if he could would go for peace with both his wife and mother. he can’t please his mother or his wife unless handled in a reasonable manner. he has to be offered a way through this by the person who has loved him all his life, his mother. this can be done with a clear head and reason so there is a way back. to be fair to both sons neither get the property, way out as i see it as she loves both boys…. and a very good reason for mum to do this. using her love for them both will save the day i am sure. if you speak in anger it will bite you back and leave a bigger bullet hole in your heart. there is always a solution rather than creating a worse situation , than it already is. if you read the posts deeann wants her family intact if at all possible. where given time and reason without vengeance or retribution for a mistake and for being just plain dumb as all our kids can be. it is deeann that holds the magic key to smoothing this out by explaining her actions in a reasonable way that no person can twist around. i have two sons one town house it was for both boys to enjoy not one above the other as it has caused a problem so i am now renting out to the market.not family any more or ever again..and i know deeann loves both her boys by the way that she writes and is not looking to burn down every bridge to her door but to keep them open. you have to read the posts deeann is a loving mother or she would not be finding this so painful and hurtful. respect will come when all parties think about it and being stand up and fair will win the day.
Well said, grumpy!!
I have given my son a lot of space, because I love him! I don’t want him to be torn between two families. It has hurt me to be left out of their lives and I’m not totally sure if he ‘gets’ this. Even so, I am always loving and kind. In the beginning, I cried and asked every form of “Why?”, but when I realized how final she was, a big brick wall, I was determined not to lose my son, as well. He visits on his own, we have dinner, toast to life with lots of hug then he must return s to the sticky spider web. Lol! Also, we talk, periodically, throughout the year…I can only call him on his cell.
What would a for sale sign posted in the front yard do? That is what I would do.
I understand Julie’s point about the son taking his wife’s side, but this is a practical matter of something that is cut & dry. They aren’t the landlords & have no right to dictate who lives there or what the rent should be. No one is forcing them to live there. I am wondering, though, didn’t the DIL KNOW her husbands brother lived there prior to them getting married? They should have made other living arrangements. I’m appalled that the younger son moved out. No fair!
After driving 900 miles for Christmas 2010. My husband and I were asked to leave early because she didn’t want to share Christmas with us. We asked for permission before we went. I cried all the way home. Every time I talked about it I cried. I prayed a lot. But another grand child was born and I wanted to go see him. As I was walking up to the front door I felt a burden lifted off my shoulder. I knew I did the right thing. But rest assured I will never trust her again. We don’t share major holidays with them and we only see them once a year. She made my son call us at the motel to ask us to leave eary. We’ve never been asked to a birthday party.
Oh, Marsha, how awful! I think everyone reading your post felt that same ‘punch in the stomach’!
You did do the right thing and I’m sure, just from reading your post, that you will continue to do so! It will be worth the sacrifice to know your grandchildren.
The ‘trust level’ may never return, but perhaps, who knows (?) a relationship will form, one day. I hope so.
Hang in there and know you are definitely not alone!
Evie those times you have with your son must be the best and he loves you or he would not be there and he talks to you on the phone. you have the pleasure of his company and he yours even if it is for a short while. she has not whipped him into cutting you off . so he has made a stand and been brave enough to say i am still seeing my mother. i hope you enjoy what you have with him because i think it may have cost him plenty to be able to do this. he still cares a great deal about you. hard to bear the rest of it but you do have him when he calls or visits.
this must be hurting you so much what a horrible thing to happen. i really feel for you marsha it must have been the worst christmas ever.
trust is hard to recapture once broken. thinking of you.
I agree, nothing should be spoken in anger, everyone should remain calm. When DIL says, “I want to have a place of our own and I want to paint it and redecorate!”, Mum should calmly say, “That’s nice, dear, I’ll take this as your 30 day notice. I’m sure your new place will be lovely.”
Why should the other son suffer because the one son and his wife decided to be a Beatch?
I went through something similar (but not something permanent as marriage) when my son went to Florida for law school. He went with his girlfriend and they lived together. I went to visit a few times in the cold months and I got a very strange feeling that I wasn’t wanted. Sure enough, when I’d call long distance from home, he’d be “busy” and when he did call I got the feeling there was someone else in the room. I called his father (we are divorced, but amicably) and he said he also felt the “presence in the other room.” When he went to visit in Florida, he and his wife also felt that they were not wanted down there.
Finally, summer break came and my son came home for only TWO WEEKS and he finally broke down and admitted that he hated it down there and that he thought his girlfriend was trying to keep us from his family. She especially didn’t want me around. He didn’t know what to do.
Keeping a very complicated story short, she later broke up with him but still wanted to live with him (???!!!).
I found a law school that would let him transfer on short notice. He did the assembling of documents and was admitted. But the girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, who knows?, put all kinds of pressure on him to stay. His dad had to drive down there with a U-Haul and get his furniture and get him bodily out of there. It was a real mess, because her parents were there and wouldn’t talk to him.
Finally, my son was home in Chicago but then he wouldn’t talk to me!
It took a god 6-9 months before our relationship was repaired.
He lives in a condo my current husband and I own now, has graduated and passed the bar. He’s working an unpaid internship, so he lives rent-free. We will charge rent when he has paying job.
He’s so afraid of a relationship that at age 26, he still hasn’t dated again. And he’s a good -looking guy. I almost fear what would happen when he does become involved with someone again.
Oh, did I mention that he’s my only child and I brought him up as single parent? I gave him everything for so many years. When you describe being kicked in the teeth, I related so much. I felt as if someone tore my heart out. But at least it’s over.
Pray that the hard times your son and daughter-in-law will face out there on their own in a bad economy will bring them to realize they need to soften their hearts.
My son came back to me. I really hope yours will come back to you.
Lynn,
You and I have a similar story as you have been equally kind and generous out of love for your son raising him as a single parent. It sounds like some good lessons were learned all the way around with the prior girl friend. I hope that my story will give you some insight and perhaps good planning for the future. I am sure you would not want another gal coming into your condo and creating any upset for you, having to face what I am going through. I had to learn a tough lesson myself that business and pleasure are ok when it is your flesh and blood but when others come into the picture, life can dish out a bad twist of fate. I pray that your son will choose wisely on the next relationship and that the condo does not become the sore spot to break your heart down the road. Welcome to our group and thanks for sharing your story. We can all learn lessons from each experience and this site has been a real blessing
so glad to hear that you rescued your son. it may take a long time for him to recover from this terrible relationship. you have given us some hope though. it must have been tough for you to achieve this not only winning the battle but the war!
Wow, so many new posts and ladies coming in with stories too. I guess my original post struck a chord with many. Welcome to those who share similar struggles, as this appears to be a big problem. Grumpy, you are the BEST! Thanks for your continued validation. I do not wish to alienate my son or DIL, as I do fear that her controlling manner could prevent me from seeing future grand children and I do not want to lose my son over this event. Marsha, your story is heartbreaking too and I feel bad for you and fear that I could be telling your story some day if my story gets worse. My thoughts are to send a letter with care and concern, confirming my hurt feelings and conveying my disappointment over trust that has been broken and financial gestures that have not at least provided some respect in return. I will be raising the rent (although still less than market rates) and giving them the option to leave if they wish to try their luck somewhere else, which still give them some power in decision making. I don’t want to jack up rate that is high enough to piss them off further, but show that I am still wanting to be kind and forgiving, although now expect some decency and fairness moving forward. I also adjusted the family trust to reflect a lesser amount to my married son with a clause that states that further adjustments can be made at any time if I feel the need to do so. He can go up or down in this distribution and will have the power to determine that fate by his own behavior. I am hoping that this sends another message that I am still acting rational, rather than cutting them off completely, which would burn the bridge for sure. It might be wishful thinking but I believe that if I show some boundaries being set on my part, while still showing acts of love (for my son, not the DIL) it will appeal to some level of character so that one of these two people will see the light. My other son has moved out and feeling much better on his own without the tension in the townhouse. I am not sure that their friendship will ever be the same. If my son and DIL move out then I will rent to others since I don’t want my other boy to be stuck in the drama. Better to keep the house out of family affairs.
As far as alliance between husband and wife I have a more loving spin on the subject, that my wise husband has taught me in this process. When new family members come into the fold or marriage occurs then the pie just becomes bigger, with more love to go around. No one person has a bigger piece than the rest as we look to each person within the pie and adapt our love to fit that person. Yes, it is wonderful for a hubby or wife to back each other, but we should also depend on a spouse to call us on our crap and gently guide us out of trouble when we are wrong. No one should be made to feel that they are left out of the pie or have a tiny piece, less than the others. We all need love but we all make mistakes as human beings. Being taken out of the pie over a mistake is not the answer. In my case I fear that my son has taken me out of the pie and enjoying the whole thing with his wife. Neither will see another concept of family love until they are parents themselves. We mothers put in so much of ourselves to creating life and teaching as best we can, but our efforts sometimes do not reap the rewards of respect, kindness etc. That is the shame in this topic that keeps us all in hurt feelings and broken hearts. BTW, I went to the book store to find something about mother/son relationships yet I could only find ones about mother/daughter. If anyone knows of a book on this I would appreciate any referrals. Thanks to all of you and many hugs. Lets all meet in Grumpy’s village for a love fest for injured moms around the world
loved your post but i am still worried that you will to let your son know about your adjustments, to your trust. this could be turned on you as your son may feel under pressure and might see you as trying to control him. dil may have a field day with this. your will or trust is your own business, not his. the town house is the main concern and i worry that adding anything else to stoke the fire and may hurt you more in the long run. please, think how this information may cause a super sized rift. i think dil would build a brick wall between you faster than a cowboy builder on reading this. she may or may not make you out to be the worst mother in the world for this. if you don’t behave mum will do this and rub your sons nose in it every time. give yourself time to think this over. i think giving them a choice is better pay the higher rent or find a place for themselves. then you will be letting them both know what has happened was not acceptable but you are being fair to your other son also as he has had to find extra rent money. i hope i have not gone too far as i want a good outcome for you. thinking of you x