In so much pain. My son was married just seven short months ago. I thought he made an excellent choice and was hoping for a wonderful new life with a daughter since I had only two sons. I raised them on my own and the 3 of us lived together in harmony and love into their adult life. I re-married 5 yrs ago & moved in with my wonderful hubby, while boys stayed in my townhome, at a reduced rental rate (can’t sell with market tank). I wanted to help them since it is so hard for young people in such a bad economy. Then new daughter in law moved in after wedding and all seemed okay.
Now the new bride demands my single son move out within the next 30 days. She says she wants to paint his room and do some updating to the house, before they start having kids. I tried to express my concern and reminded both sons and daughter in law that the house was mine, I am the landlord doing them a huge favor therefore I deserve some kind of respect, warning or communication that they were giving notice for my other son to vacate. I asked for them to at least be patient and allow him more time to find a decent and affordable place.
I was immediately put on notice by new daughter that this was none of my business! A crushing blow considering the financial support I have gifted them in more ways beyond the cheap rent. My married son says he stands by his new wife and I am reduced to another status, below the priority of husband and wife. He wants nothing more to do with me and both have now threatened to prevent any relationship with future grandchildren.
Was I wrong and clueless in my assumption that we could all be friends and that my relationship could still remain sweet with my son? I guess the saying I used in this title is quite accurate. I had heard this saying over the years, but never dreamed it would happen to me. I now resent the emotional and financial support since all I really wanted in return for my favors was respect and appreciation for what I had given. It is clear by their reaction that they are threatened that I have any control over their living space, even though I have not asked them for any details about the painting, updating etc. I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth. I am hurting beyond what can be expressed. Could really use some support – please !
I got before and after pics copied and pasted in the reply box and tried to post, but the only things that shows up is the text I typed, not the photos.
Thanks May & Janice for all your helpful comments. I really appreciate them.
May - for the longest time, I said to myself that I will never want any plastic surgery done and that I will accept my body for what it is. Like many typical wome
I see, emotional blackmail eh. since you own the property you could put it up for sale
and perhaps split the sale cost between you and your sons. May I suggest you visit a website called Estranged stories http://www.estrangedstories.com/
If it very supportive and for families who face estrangement, and there are tips on how to navigate through a situation like this.
sending my support, I understand, been through something similar and the website was very helpful.
If the townhouse is still yours, then I would remind your married son of this fact, and also tell him that YOU OWN the property, and that if anyone needs to move, maybe it ought to be him and his new wife.
If this sounds too drastic, well it is, because in my mind if you don’t stand up to them now and draw the lines, then they will overstep ever chance they get.
Kids today are insensitive, self centered, and self absorbed. They lack genuine care for anyone but themselves.
Good luck!!!!
How sad and unexpected. Yes, you are being blackmailed with the access to grandkid trump card. Since your son and D-in-l have already cut ties, then I agree with She Cat: Give your son and D-in-L notice to move out. Why should the other son have to go? Word it as “since allowing you to live in my house at a reduced rent does not seem to work for you, then perhaps another place would be best. Please therefore accept this 30 day notice etc….. My hope for you is that you find a home that will allow the freedom, flexibility, and privacy you desire.” My heart is heavy for you. They have already made their (bad) choice The best you can do is protect yourself and your other son at this point,
DeeAnn:
I agree with everyone else. You should give a 30 day notice to your married son and his wife. They are in a better position financially to move as a couple. I WOULD NOT PUT MY SINGLE SON OUT THE HOUSE, PERIOD.
Your daughter-in-law has overstepped her boundaries here. I would not worry about them holding the “trump card” of you not seeing your future grandchildren. We all know the child care is VERY EXPENSE and they will need you to provide some babysitting services if NOT ALL at a reduced rate. I would not do anything for them for FREE anymore. It is not appreciated. I would be respectable in my communication with them but provide them a formal letter advising of the 30 day notice.
You have a second son, he may get married one day and he and HIS WIFE maybe the right couple to live in your place and I bet based on the example you are about to do, he will NOT allow his wife to talk to you in such a disrespectful manner and dare not tell you…you won’t see the grand kids. Lead by example..this is a lesson that needs to be taught NOW. Don’t let your daughter-in-law disrepect you like this and your son following her. He should have put his foot down and told her, NO. We need to discuss this with my mom, first.
Appears as if you now have a bully in the family and your married son is falling right in line with her. Time to put your foot down my dear! The couple needs to move out asap and your other son can then enjoy the space by himself. I am sure that they will threaten all sorts of mayhem and retribution when you give them their thirty days but you do need to stand firm on this or she will bully you for the rest of your life. IMO the first mistake you made with DIL was to try to tactfully tell them that you are the landlord. She needs to hear loud and clear that YOU ARE THE LANDLORD, YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS, YOU DECIDE WHO WILL STAY AND IT IS NOT THEM! A bully understands this kind of language.
Our children are very seldom grateful for what they receive unfortunately and this is especially evident when the giver is good old mom! Frankly I think you should be incensed that your son and DIL have the nerve to talk to you like this. So please do not back down and be good old mom because that is the role you will play for evermore with her in the picture if you do.
Thanks so much for the input and support. My new DIL is an educated gal and I thought she would be mindful and respectful, yet I think she just wants to push her weight around. I had hoped that my generous support and financial assistance was at least worthy of consideration and that appreciation would be the proper position. I feel like I am being punished for being a good mom. I am disappointed in my son for allowing his wife to call the shots. This event has now damaged the wonderful relationship that my two sons shared together as friends, so this whole thing is compounded with ill feelings all the way around. My only saving grace it that my single son has validated me, knowing I was trying to stick up for him in this process. He has always been the more loyal and loving of my two sons. Now the true colors have been seen and tough lessons learned. It is just very heartbreaking to have your own child be so selfish, unable to even think of his mother’s hurt feelings in all of this. Thanks again and I am glad I found this site to get some validation and support
I hope that things work out ok for you. I hope it doesn’t come to you evicting your son and DIL, but I doubt that they will want to be accomadating to you or your younger son.
Whatever you do, be strong and don’t back down. Make a stand and stick to it. Idle threats never win, only actions..
The information is bang on. It is now up to you to set the boundaries and consistently stick to them. The more you give the more she will take. The other issue is that giving in now “to save (whatever)” will only haunt you later. The thing you wish to avoid with her will come back, she has her mind made up. Your son may or may not tire of this bully and when he does he will have been isolated from friends and family. That is what abusers do. Love him, take HIM to lunch once in awhile, it may not take long for cracks to appear in their relationship. You need to stay grounded and loving. Put yourself first so the rest know where the line forms.
You can only postpone the inevitable, it will come back, just ensure it does not bite. Given she is educated, she can find work and they can get their own house. In the meantime JACK UP THE RENT for them.
DeeAnn:
That is what we are here for….
I am a mother of 4, ages 30, 28, 19 and 16. I already know who in my group, as you say is “more loyal and loving” and it is heartbreaking when we see as a parent who is selfish and unable to think of mom’s feelings. I have had experience with this as well.
Do what you have to do and set the tone for the future in this relationship with your son and daughter-in-law.
Thanks again for all the kind words of support. Tomorrow I will be meeting with my attorney to fill him in on what has happened and seek his help in revising my trust. Years ago , prior to any girlfriends or a wife were in the picture I had set up my family trust in the event of my death giving small amounts from my town home sale to each of my boys to use for down payments on a condo to help them along in life. This gesture has now given my son and DIL the grand idea that they have some power and control over the home I still own. I never dreamed that this gesture would be used against me. I trusted that any future mates would have nothing but gratitude for this gift. Life can dish out some harsh reality. I will have to deal with this problem one day at a time staying focused on what is best for me, reacting without anger but making sure that all parties understand that I need to set appropriate boundaries for myself. I hate having to do this and wish that things were different. Life will likely never be the same and that sucks…
Hang in there DeeAnn, while you are hurting it is hard to see the light, but while it may never be the same, it may be different in a better way. You are the adult, the mother, and you can set the tone in a quiet, firm and respectful way. We teach people how to treat us and it may take a while for you son and daughter in law to get it.
Life will be different, not over. The tragedy would be to take these circumstances and plop them into the future. Do what you have to do for you, the rest will follow. As long as you are out of harm’s way you are better able to see what may be looming.
I am thinking you raised your son to be his own person. If so, then this domineering, bullying, stuff will wear at him. It is nearly impossible to “un-love” Mom. the DIL’s background would be an interesting mine to explore, I suspect it would yield information on how/what/who made her decide to bully her way through life. That modus operandi does not wear will thru time.
Love those you love, protect yourself from emotional/intellectual/ financial harm and remember “your face could be any face” (to her), this is just how the dil rolls. Do not take it personally thence you will be in a better spot to observe and learn.
You are on the right track. Well done. Let the show roll on and watch — do not forget to have popcorn and a giggle.
DeeAnn, I feel for you… and is unfortunate that this has occurred, they should be happy to have low rent housing, but never should have assumed that they were getting it for life…. You do want to sell it eventually i’m thinking…
A word of advice on the trust.. whatever you do.. do NOT inform your kids of what you have planned.. its really none of their business….
And i’m sure you will get flack about any changes anyway… IMHO…..
All the best
I will be seeing the attorney this afternoon and I am confident he will give me good legal advice on how to proceed. My son and DIL do not know anything since they are not speaking to me anyway. I assume I will be advised to send them a copy of the new trust once the changes have been made, so that they will be put on notice that life is changing now. I fear that this may cause a fire storm and bad feelings, but since my feelings are already hurt then they can feel discomfort too. I am not seeking revenge or trying to strike back in a battle over control, yet I feel like I am in am in a war. I need to set healthy boundaries and have some peace of mind regarding my assets, even if they don’t like it. I can only hope that some day my son and DIL will mature into decent people who will respect me and understand what went wrong here. I can’t hold my breath for any apologies in the meantime, as it is clear they both want to hold onto their big ego, trying to be right rather than happy. They really have no justification for being mean when they are on the receiving end of generous gifts from me, which should foster respect and appreciation. I tried to be a kind, loving and generous mother and this is what it has been given to me in return. So disappointing…
I have a family trust, and nobody but me knows whats in it…. i’d ask your lawyer what he suggests as far as “telling” …… thats up to you of course.. but hope it goes well……….. kids CAN be ungrateful….
I haven’t read all of the posts, but remember if you make a permanent enemy of this woman you will never see/meet your grandchildren. I say go real slow on this because emotions are high.
BTW, I have an eleven year old grandson that I have never seen. We were a closely knit, very loving family, but I have found that doesn’t always matter.
That’s really terrible, my heart dropped as I was reading what you had said. The new DIL has no right dictating WHO can live in your house. I find that very odd that she would do that. She’s going to expect all kinds of freebies, I think. Maybe she and your son should move out, and the other one stay there. What does your other son think of all this? Your son can “stand by” his new wifey all he wants, but in a situation like this, it’s not like where we should have dinner or any other picky little thing. You are actually providing a service, as you said, the place is YOURS and you left the townhome there for both boys. Wow. Difficult situation. And I wouldn’t worry TOO Much about future grandkids because I imagine she’ll want your help there, too.
I just want to respond quickly to what Evie above me said. I totally get what you’re saying, BUT if she starts now caving into everything this new DIL wants, it’s going to set a precedent. I firmly believe in the old adage “pick your battles.” But the problem here is she would have to agree to her other son being kicked out. That’s just not right.
Evie is on the right track. Two issues; 1) no one knows how long the son will tolerate the wife; 2) DIL (likely) has made up her mind, otherwise there would be no point to her assertions. She likely has an inkling that she is in the boat alone, will also likely not recognize her behaviour is troublesome. That is the reason for my statement “do not plop the things of today into the future”, too many variables/ possibilities.
Right on, Darcy! When emotions are running high we can act too quickly and have to live with it for the remainder of our lives! I know this for a fact. I will add, I don’t know what I could have done differently!
Many years ago, my son married a girl from another country. There were huge cultural differences and I offended her with never intending to! We definitely got off on the wrong foot! I tried to make it up to her, but I was on her “list” and forgiveness never came.
Friends told me that a a new wife can be jealous of the relationship a mom has with her son. Not all, but some will intentionally drive a wedge between mom and son. A lot is up to the son to remain strong and not give in to this manipulation. Although my son and I had always had a wonderful relationship he caved when it came to his wife. She got pregnant, immediately, and threatened him with taking the baby back to her country. By this time, he knew she would definitely do this. I have backed away and left them to sort it out…still, it has hurt a lot never being allowed to meet my only grandchild (he’s eleven).
I never, in my wildest dreams, thought something like this would happen. This is the child, my son, that I sat up all night (many nights!) with when he had the croup. We sat in the steam and played Monopoly with everything dripping wet. We were so close as a family.
I’ve heard stories where grandchildren are taken away from their grandparents after they have bonded…this would be sooo much harder. I have never laid eye on my grandson (in person)! He is a concert level pianist and I have listened to him on YouTube. I don’t do that too often because it really hurts. I try not to live with anger/hurt and don’t dwell on this very unfortunate situation. I guess we can call this “Life”, right?!
Very fortunately, I have another daughter in law (my older son’s wife) who is a total doll and much more like a daughter to me than a daughter in law. We have such a wonderful connection!
Every situation is unique and I still say to go real slow with these big decisions. We live with the repercussions for a life time.
Hello to everyone who has been following my story and giving me some good input and support. The attorney visit was amazing, as he was so validating and sympathetic. He could not believe the story I told him and was shocked at the assumptions made by my new DIL, that had no legal basis. He even asked his wife to come join us in the office to listen to my saga, so that he could offer help with another opinion from his wife, who is also a family law specialist in his office.
Both were so angry for me and wanted to defend me with a stern letter to DIL to fill her in on the law, and how far she has stepped her bounds. After some discussion we decided that this would probably add fuel to an already raging fire. I really do fear for my future and the thought of not seeing any grandchildren just breaks my heart.
Evie, I feel so bad for you – what a terrible thing for you. It is so horrible that human beings can be so mean spirited and split up family. As a single mom raising two boys on my own we were very close, even into their adult life. I really believe that my DIL is jealous of the close bond that we had and now feels like she needs to lay down the law about where my son should be focused. I had never imagined that our relationship would be threatened by a wife coming into the picture. It is odd but thinking back on the night before the wedding my son came to me to talk. He said something about things changing now that he had a wife and that his priorities would change. I found his words strange, as if perhaps rehearsed as I could not imagine him coming up with something like that. I tried to shake it off as to not freak out, as I wanted to enjoy the wedding day and share in his joy. Now it is haunting me, as I think she asked him to have this talk with me and told him what to say. It is a rude awakening and it hurts my heart. At first I wanted to lash back through anger just to prove points, but I would have likely burned a bridge. I think damage is now done and I don’t see DIL eating crow to come back with apology or attempt to make amends.
Anyway, I made some changes to the trust that send a gentle but firm message. It will be known through certain amendment clauses that further changes could happen if I feel that it is warranted. We will see if financial cuts to my will and profit sharing reductions will send a wake up call. If the reaction is ugly then I think my son and DIL will move out. Although this will create more family dysfunction I will at least get the home back to rent for proper price. I would rather have them make that choice, then be forced by me evicting them. My other son found a place to go, although paying more than he wanted in rent, but he can be at peace being away from the troublemakers. It hurts even more to know that my two boys will likely have no close friendship after this. I feel like I am moving through stages of grief. First few weeks was pure anger, now I am just really really sad. Feel like crying most of the time… Thanks again for this site and the nice people here
just have to hope time is a healer. keep talking if you can to your son and let him know that no matter what you are there for him and will always love him. anything you may have done or given him is because you wanted to nothing owed. you have to always be careful not to offend wife /girlfriend. why because our sons turn into 8 yr old boys when around their partners and repeat stuff they should not. behave badly and let us mums down big time. anything a mum says… will be used against her even when well intentioned. wife or girlfriend will make sure son does the punishing. she will give you a good whipping through your son. they will take wife/girlfriends side as no sex ….with mum. she will nail you to a cross to make sure she is number one. sex will always be a winner with son against mum until something happens. it could be the relationship breaks down or other circumstances. all you can do is pick up the pieces when it is over or when you come to terms with what is happening. never mention wife/girlfriend in any negative way even when you can see your son is going to fall flat on his face and as you can’t save sons from doing this as it is their choice . they have made that choice no doubt a pushy princess or a attention seeker partner will make sure he does as he is told until he is tired of being her punch bag. please, god help all us mothers who have to endure this from our sons partners. yes, we are good mums and it does break our hearts and make us sad but you may have to wait many years before they come around and if they do not you have to take care of yourself as it is their choice. you can still love your kids from a distance without putting up with all the rocks they throw at you. hard to just chat on the phone now and again or text or e mail but better to stay in touch than not at all unless it becomes toxic. thinking of all you mums going through this. i would start that club for broken heated mums everywhere as there are many of us and for different reasons. hugs for all of you x
DeeAnn,
I really feel for you! I also had just the two sons. I think what has amazed me (and you!) is how close we were to our sons! I wasn’t a single mom, but my husband worked long hours and I spent TONS of time alone with my guys. We had such a fun, loving home including our canine friends…they were such a big part of our family! Lots of affection.
I do think our sons are “coached” by their wives. I had a similar conversation with my son after their baby was born. Basically, he said that I wouldn’t be seeing the baby for awhile. which ended up being, never! I hardly recognize my son and don’t think he realizes how much he has hurt his ol’ mom! My older son is disgusted with him.
We have to learn to live with certain “gaps” in our lives and count our other blessings.
I have altered my will, as well, for obvious reasons. So sad.
I only have one son. No one else, just the two of us thru colic, croup, first heartbreak, second heartbreak… you know. What I am having a problem with is the compromise of integrity these two sons are living with. It seems almost unimaginable that they can continue a successful life with the shift in values. I wonder when it will haunt them, and I hope it does happen while you are both alive. Imagine strewing that much sadness and still living happily ever after, seems like an oxymoron.
Thank goodness you are both in a safe legal place.
Yes, Darcy, it is “unimaginable” that they can live with hurting their moms like this. There is a tendency to wonder ‘what I did wrong’ (?).
When my younger sons child turned five, my son and I were having a telephone conversation and he said, “You know mom, now that I have my own son, I really appreciate what a great mom you were…I had such a great childhood and I thank you for it! He did offer that as a kind of salve on the wound. In my heart, I do know that my children were blessed with a wonderful life growing up.
There was a time when I thought it was “nurture not nature” that ruled in a child’s upbringing, but after this eye opening, heartbreaking, experience, I am leaning more toward what may be innate/inherited from the family line. My husband’s family were a ‘cool’ group, not expressing much emotion/warmth, etc. So, who knows? I guess I still am asking, why?
Thanks for all of your comments, Darcy. Having the one son I know, you know, how special that relationship can be! Thank goodness I have my older son (although he is on the west coast!) and we have a fabulous relationship! We do long Skype calls and visit when we can. He and his wife are very dear to me…no grandchildren, yet, but here’s hoping!
Hi Evie and Darcy and once again thanks for posting some kind words for me. Yes, it is disappointing that we pour out our hearts and give our kids every ounce of time, energy, love etc (plus sleepless nights), then they grow up with no perspective and sense of appreciation. So many kids grow up with abuse, neglect etc. and then remain loyal to parents that don’t deserve the gesture. Then good ones like us get the short end of the stick when we did all the right things. I always heard that boys were especially faithful to moms and thought my life would continue to be filled with our great friendship. You can always see sports guys on TV who will say into the camera “hi MOM”. I bet they are married, but with a wife who appreciates their devotion and ongoing love to their mother. I tired to teach good lessons about character and values and I thought it sunk in. Perhaps some day when my son and DIL have a child they will see how much benefit there is from unconditional love. Until then I have to just hope that things will get better. I have not spoken to my son in over 3 weeks which is the longest span since his birth. I miss him and wonder if at some point he will miss me??? We only live 15 minutes apart. I will be picking up the new family trust later in the week, which I will send to my son so he can see the changes made. I am working on a cover letter that is honest and heartfelt, without anger. It will take some time before the reactions are seen or felt.
Listen… be very quiet .. do I hear a chiming sound — well it must be the DIl practising her CHIME so everyone will hear her when the letter arrives.
Keep your boundaries so they can count on you for that. love the ones who love you, and love the ones who do not (just them not the egregious behaviour). Hope your son sees some light BEFORE babies come. And do call once in awhile just to say “hi and how are you”. She will isolate him, that’s what bullies do.
All the best with the letter. If possible, run it by lawyer — just in case.
Damn the behaviour and love the child(ren). Well done both of you!!
DeAnn, I think the “abused kids” are always looking for that love they didn’t get as children. Sometimes, I think that children who have been cherished and loved have a certain confidence, independence and “fly” away from the nest with little trepidation. It’s also possible that they take for granted how fortunate they have been!
The weirdest thing has happened! My son called me today and told me something that has totally blown me away! He rarely calls and never with news like this. My husband and I rent a house in Florida, on the beach, every couple of years. My younger son never comes, but my other son, his wife and several other family members join us. Well, he said, “Mom, I want to ask you something, now remember, no guarantees, but would you mind if I brought the family to the Florida house this year?” I almost dropped the phone! This means that I would see my eleven year old grandson for the first time! I’m almost numb as I write this! He said that his wife brought up the possibility up, this past week end! I mean she has made no effort for the last twelve years to answer my phone calls, emails, letters, nothing. The one time, about two years ago, that we had a brief conversation, she said, “I have no intention of ever letting you meet our son”. I felt cut to the bone.
I told my son that they will be more than welcome and that I would reserve the largest room for them!! After I hung up, I wondered why this sudden change?? OmGosh! It even crossed my mind that ‘what if’ she reads these posts and read what I posted about their disinheritance.! I do know that these conversations can be read by anyone! I also know that this is being very negative/PARANOID of me, but for all of these years there has been nothing but stone silence from her! And then, as soon as I opened up, on this site…well, like I said, so weird! I also thought that perhaps she has matured, reflected on her behavior. Let’s hope!
I am not a hard-lined grudge holder and will forgive, even this, but my trust level is very low.
Like you have said, Darcy, “Damn the behavior and love the children!” They sure can make this difficult to do!
hi , just want you to know that i hope you have a great time with your grandson and son plus dil. do lets us all know how things go. wishing you all a happy time. the years wasted are tragic but you now have so much to look forward to. we are all waiting for a happy fairy tale ending. it would really lift us all who are still waiting for that to happen no matter how long we wait . that it is possible to reunite our families. xxxxx have a wonderful time .
Evie,
I bet your son calling you to ask about coming to the Florida house has nothing to do with his wife as much as it has to do with the grandchild who is probably asking about you. Your grandchild has friends who probably talk about there grandparents and your grandchild probably asked your son, WHERE ARE MY GRANDPARENTS. (food for thought)…
No matter how this is happening, I am so happy for you.
Personally, I have 1 grand child he is 4 years old and I see him faithfully every year either at Thanksgiving or Christmas. My son (30yr old) did not marry this young lady but she and I have a good relationship.
The young lady my son (30) WILL MARRY we talk on the phone and e-mail periodically, right now. I hope that does not change once they marry.
Myother son (28yr old) is married to a BRITISH young lady and I love her like crazy, we have a good relationship and she calls me ”Mum”.. I pray nothing changes once they have children.
I am trying my best to keep our family tight by always having them over for the holidays and celebrating all there birthdays including the new wife and they invite friend that they went to (get this high school with)..note they are college graduates. LOL.
All I can add to this is to stay in prayer and ask the Lord to put on the DIL heart the change needed to allow the family to reunite and have peace, comfort and the security that will continue to grow in love.
Lovelysmile,
You are fortunate that no hard feelings have sprung up with your son’s and their women they have brought into your life. I wonder if it is ‘the luck of the draw’. Lol My other daughter in law is such a gem and I consider her my daughter. I am very grateful for this emotionally intelligent young woman, otherwise, I would be totally bereft!
We will see how this whole thing goes (in Florida) and I will do my best to greet her with those open arms! Meeting my grandson for the first time will feel marvelous! I’m not overly good at ‘walking on eggs’, but I plan on wearing soft shoes! I would like to end all of this pain.
I did ask my son what he tells his son about me. He was somewhat evasive. I think, until now, his son has asked questions. It is possible that he just now old enough to wonder. We shall see!
Thanks for you response!
Evie,
This is such good news for you! Maybe they did read the posting on this site and now have another perspective or becoming more sensitive. Perhaps my woes have opened a wonderful new door for you! Sometimes life works in mysterious ways that we cannot know or understand which is why we should always trust the process. Whatever the case, you may be blessed with a new life including your grandson.
I will think happy thoughts for you and wish that this dream will come true, as I feel for the pain that has been in your heart for 11 long years. Isn’t it wonderful to have a site like this where we can share our pain and our joy! Since reading your story I have wondered how they explain to their son about you. Maybe as he is getting older he is asking questions. I am glad that you are taking the high road with open arms so that they feel no anger or resentment. That way they will feel safe to meet you in Florida for a marvelous family reunion. I wish you all the best as this news unfolds
Hi DeAnn,
Maybe “your woes” have opened this door for me! It is amazing how mysterious our lives unfold! If this “miracle” does happen, I will post it!
I hope you never have to go through any of this hurt around grandchildren. I think that is what prompted me to tell you to go slow with all of this. Making her angry can have a real boomerang affect, hitting you in the heart!
I’m sure you were a great mom and deserve none of this! I feel a real kinship with you and what you are experiencing. Please let us know how you are doing!
Sending a hug!
Evie, that’s so wonderful, I’m so happy for you! Why would they never let you see your now-11 year old grandson? I don’t understand. Have you seen your son himself throughout the 11 years? Our kids do the oddest things sometimes. I have only one grandchild, a boy who just turned 9. I’ve seen him probably 5 times in his life & he knows who I am. But I live in Missouri & my daughter moved to California years ago now and she absolutely refuses to step foot in this state. She’s my own daughter, not even a DIL & she makes it very difficult for me. She married a rich man & she knows we barely scrape by……
Hi DG59,
I have seen my son about once a year throughout this time. they live about six hours north of us. He has his own business and stays very busy. He usually stays with us for about 3-4 days at a stretch. We still share a lot of affection, giant hugs, etc. : )
You asked why this has all happened? It has been so long ago that I remain a little fuzzy about the whole thing. It was almost like an unexpected avalanche catching me totally off guard!
Like I have said, there were cultural difference which I didn’t have much experience with. Also, at that time, I was separated from a long term marriage and living alone for the first time in years. My life had been turned upside down. Both sons were grown and living away from home. My younger son announced that he was going to marry this girl and I was concerned because of some of her strange behavior (the cultural differences). Just one thing, which seems so minor, now, she used a lot of profanity. I was surprised that my son didn’t seem to be bothered by this and thought it was “cute”. She was, what they call in today’s world, “a hottie”. Anyway, I made the giant mistake of asking him (in private) if he was sure about her, did he want her to raise his children…the ‘potty mouth’, etc. I am an old fashioned kinda lady! Well, he told her what I had said!! OMgosh! I was stunned that he ran back to her and repeated my concerns! Obviously, this was not to ‘bright’ on my son’s part, but after that, I was definitely in the deep freeze!
There is so much more to all of this, but it could turn into a book!
Your situation sounds painful, as well! How can our children be so cruel? I know some mother’s ‘out there’ may point a finger at the’parenting’, but I know, first hand, that my two guys could not have gotten more love, attention, the whole nine yards, from us. We cherished our family. The “empty nest syndrome” hit us hard when both of our guys flew away. We missed the family unit so much!
I could write on and on about this, but I have an appointment and I’m late!
Thanks for your response! We need to start a club of “Mom’s who are hurting’! Sending a hug!
Hi Evie,
I had not heard your whole story about what happened with your son and how the upset started. Your story is just like mine! When I got upset about DIL giving my other son notice to leave I made comments to my married son about my concern for DIL taking control and that I could not trust her. I thought that our mother /son relationship would allow for us to say things in confidence so I trusted he would not share the comments with her but he DID, which started this whole nightmare to begin with. What happened to the concept of trust??? I guess now a days it does not count for much. My boys and I have shared many secrets over the years that we have kept between each other, yet a girl comes along and all bets are off. Not sure why it has to be this way. I will stay hopeful for you, DG59, myself and other moms who are punished for our honesty or good intentions gone bad. Yes, I am sure that we are not alone in the MOM’s broken heart club.
DeeAnn:
Wow…Remember the statement “a son is a son until he takes a wife”? I hate to say it but he is making love to her, and is IN LOVE with her. Of course he was going to tell her UNLESS YOU SAY TO HIM, this is a conversation between YOU AND ME because YOU ARE MY CHILD.
I’ve had conversations of that nature with my oldest (30yr old) and for sure told him NOT TO REPEAT what I said. I explain to him that I ALWAYS have HIS BEST INTEREST at heart. I wait until, he say, “yes, mom”. Then I know we have communicated effectively. I have always put the earnest back on him to straight out any misunderstands that he and she maybe having because he always comes to me with any problems they are having and she does the same. It’s usually money related he spends to much and she is a saver. Enough said, you have now learned the lesson so when your next son gets married, you’ll be sure to say UP FRONT, this is a conversation between you and me because I HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST at heart and YOU ARE MY SON. Set the record STRAIGHT BEFORE you make any potentially negative comments. Close it with asking him to straight out any situation in his relationship so the communication to the female is coming from HIM. This way he stays the man in his relationship and she will never know you said something to “guide” him.
I have found that works best.
Another example. My son (28yr old), his wife told him 1 week before that she was going on a cruise (without him)……with some girlfriends. My son was LIVID! He said to me, how can she tell me one week before she’s going a cruise and we didn’t even discuss it! I may have wanted to go! It’s obvious she didn’t want me to go and assumed, I could not get the time off work and we could not afford for me to go!
I told him, when she gets back, sit her down and say to her, “if the shoe was on the other foot, you would have been really angry at me. Please don’t ever do that again. If you want to take a trip with your girlfriends, just talk to me well in advance, “not one week before you “tell me/no discussion” you are going”. (turns out the trip was paid for by one of girlfriends, mom’s as it was a weekend b’day cruises for her daughter). So NO she didn’t want him to go.
My son handled it well, did not mention that he talked to me about it and I never said anything to my daughter-in-law regarding it. They resolved there difference with me giving my son guidance without her knowing.
I hope you will be able to make peace with your son reminding him that you brought him into the world and love him very much, never thinking that your relationship had changed. I would stop there. No more no less. Hopefully, he will say, mom, I wasn’t thinking and I probably should not have said that to her…and the healing can begin…
DeeAnn
agree with your post. we all need to tread carefully around sons wife/girlfriend and this advice is good. i am taking it on. thanks
Yes, if we could always know the “right” way to handle these things, life would be so perfect. My son and I had always been so close that to share with him from an honest heart seemed to be so natural, so spontaneous. We had always shared our lives with no guards up. I was shocked when I realized that he disregarded our private conversation. It hurt and everything changed in, what seemed like and instant. I realized there were different ground rules!
These days, I fully realize that my “boys” are grown men, with wives, and very different lives. We are all adults making our own decisions, etc. There is freedom in letting go! We share more as friends and sometimes their wisdom enlightens/helps me! The worm has turned. Lol
Mothering is something that no book can completely prepare us for! Most of us learn as we go! The constancy of love runs throughout our efforts and is the great healer of wounds. My guys had that…still do!
This has been a great conversation! I think we could stay on this subject forever! Thanks to all!
Hi lovelysmile (and everybody else)
I did ask my son to keep the words to himself and conveyed that I trusted our conversations would be kept between each other, yet he told her anyway. Not only things I have said but text messages, emails etc. of any nature. When I expressed my disappointment and sadness that he broke a trust then I was put on notice that his priorities are now changed since he is married. I was told that I am on another level below his wife and that he will always align with her and share everything, no matter what. This was a tough blow, since I have shared in previous posts that we have had the most amazing friendship his whole life. In my world of principals and values, parents and children should be able to have a balanced relationship even if either party should marry or re-marry. When I married my new husband I went to great lengths to make sure my boys realized that nothing would change in my love for them and that they should never fear a demotion or adjustment on the rungs of the ladder of our family. My son and DIL do not agree with such a concept, since she likely coached him to make the speech that was presented that night before they married. It is clear that no matter how I present a comment, opinion feeling or observation it will not be kept in trust. So now I have to face new reality and understand that my relationship with him is forever different. He is still not speaking to me and angry that I got angry with him for breaking trust. A real whirlwind of drama. I am licking my wounds, keeping my distance, revising my family trust and taking care of me. Life just sucks sometimes and this is one of those sucky things. Thanks again to all…
I wonder how things are for your son. His life must be somewhat askew to throw you under the bus. She seems to have taken his balls and backbone. I wonder, I wonder .. how are things going for him.
this is so painful to live through. grief, anger and sadness that creeps over us when you least expect it. i have always tried to leave a door open for my son. very hard to do when they cxxxp on you. i always say i love you and care for you to my son in messages etc. like you i am now looking at the readjustment that has been required by things that are beyond repair. you find you hit a wall in the end and have to move on with your own life and find a way through the garbage that your kids throw at you. i could not go ten minutes without thinking about him and the painful way he treated me. now i can go days. so i must be healing or resigning myself to what has happened. i am beyond demotion and have the pleasure of being something on the bottom of his shoe. i now know that i am disposable like many modern day gadgets. it hurts and i can hardly believe i am in this position as we were once, so close. all i can say i am now looking to improve my own life in every way i can. being selfless has not paid off. i appear to have made a self centrered spoilt brat. so i am going to be selfish and join him. yep, my hard earned is going on me for a change as i have been a fool. i am starting to enjoy spending it on myself. i am sure at some point your son will need you as i think mine will. all you can do is leave them alone and wait till that time. you have to try and get over the hurt the best you can. it is like having your heart ripped out and stomped on. the trust may never come back as once broken which may have been in an instance, takes the heart a long time to recover,if ever. you just keep living the moment of… i don’t believe you did that to me! i don’t believe you said that to me….. it gets easier to live with as the days go by and i am starting to live again. it is hard when you have been the carer to start caring for yourself, but you will get there. it is a roller-coaster ride to start with but it is up to you when you choose to get off. hugs to all mums going through this with there disrespectful adult kids because that is what they are!
DeAnn,
I really hear you! You have expressed my same feelings! Trust and hearts have been broken and I’m not sure if a complete healing will ever be possible. We have to move on, but will always carry the weight of our loss.
Darcy, my son has told me that, at first, they had huge arguments and he cried and begged. She would not relent and he had to accept the unacceptable. He loves his son (only child) so much and would never risk losing him. She even threatened to take him back to her home country.
He has suffered and I don’t want to add to that suffering. When we get together, which is not very often, we are very close and it feels like the ‘old days’. I have had to zip my mouth so many times…the hurt/anger is stifled. Life does not always turn out like we have pictured/dreamed.
Hi Evie, DeeAnn, and everybody. The last statement Evie said right above me is SO true and I say that all the time. “Life does not always turn out like we have pictured/dreamed.” Boy, oh boy, it’s almost like a cruel joke sometimes. I realized recently that none of my kids have ever lived in the same town as me once they grew up. My boys will come and visit sometimes, and my youngest daughter (although she just moved to Colorado, so that won’t be happening anymore), but the older 2 daughters, geez. Theyll never come. I’m in a real painful situation with that older daugther I mentioned prevoiusly, the one with my grandson. My God in heaven, the way she talks you would think I was a monster mother. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. As everybody else who ever knew us says, it’s actually the opposite, I was reallly too easy on her! All you mom’s know what it’s like, we love those kids more than anything in the world and lavish our love and attention on them, and do everything we can to raise them right. Really weird. Sigh.
One other thing, I would never tell any of my kids something and expect that they would not tell their spouses. (Only one is married at this time, but….) I just think they will tell them pretty much no matter what we say to them, especially if they’re still in their 20′s. That’s who they go home to at the end of the day…..
DG59,
I’m so sorry you daughter has pretty much left you our of her ‘new life’. There is just no understanding any of this!
I was on an airplane, not long ago, and I saw a mother reading to her two sons. They sat on either side of her totally enthralled with the story she was reading. I felt like leaning over and saying, “Enjoy this now because once they leave home, God only knows!”
I’m glad I had children, I loved being a mom, but if I had to do it over again, I may have opted for the ‘big career’! Lol
Well, ladies, we are certainly not alone! I want to add that it is sooo important that we have our own lives. I mean, being very creative, with hobbies, social lives, volunteer work, whatever it takes. It’s obvious that our children have their own lives and we have become much, much, less important to them. Oh well…I have my cats…oh, and my husband!
Hugs to all!
Life’s cruel anomaly. We raise them to be fine voting/thoughtful/caring citizens and then … they move away and become (see above) leaving us to fill the space. My son dropped by yesterday, brought me a coffee and gave me a kiss. Well, my response was pure unadulterated gratitude — and all I got was a Kiss and a Coffee. Who else works for 25 years for that kind of pay??? Aren’t we, mothers, a strange bunch. My friend said she had raised her daughter not to listen to anyone — she just forgot to say “EXCEPT YOUR MOTHER”.
Kisses and coffee — and cheers to all.
loved this ….you made me laugh out loud……i do not even get a coffee
my pay off is zilch. so funny i am just going to make my own, from now on. only this time treating my self to cream and cakes.
Ditto Evie & Darcy. I sometimes wish I’d had a great career. So many things I would have liked to have done. And I know exactly what you mean about the lady on the plane. The thing is, tho’, that even if you had said that to her (and I know you wouldn’t have) she would have thought to herself that it won’t happen to her just like WE did back then. I actually thought if I loved them a lot & cared for them……well, ya know.
you have a great career .you are a good mum and that career is not over not by a long way. this is the hardest job in the world and you put time and energy in to that and most of all your love. nothing has changed you are still doing a great job but have to stand back for the time being until things come around again. this is just a holiday to take care of yourself first for a while. we all have blips in our working lives. my job is not done yet ,nor yours i feel because you care. you are still there for them. the things you would have like to have done look at them and see if you can go for any of it. i have taken language courses yes i was the oldest in the class and the worst but i gave it a go because i wanted to do something for me. i have made friends through this .my age seemed not to bother anyone. i had a good laugh with the other part time students and things have moved on for me because of this. think about what you would like to do and go for it where it is possible. nothing to stop you now! go girl as you do not know what you can achieve until you try x