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A son is a son till he takes a wife Most Liked Hot Conversation

In so much pain. My son was married just seven short months ago. I thought he made an excellent choice and was hoping for a wonderful new life with a daughter since I had only two sons. I raised them on my own and the 3 of us lived together in harmony and love into their adult life. I re-married 5 yrs ago & moved in with my wonderful hubby, while boys stayed in my townhome, at a reduced rental rate (can’t sell with market tank). I wanted to help them since it is so hard for young people in such a bad economy. Then new daughter in law moved in after wedding and all seemed okay.

Now the new bride demands my single son move out within the next 30 days. She says she wants to paint his room and do some updating to the house, before they start having kids.  I tried to express my concern and reminded both sons and daughter in law that the house was mine, I am the landlord doing them a huge favor therefore I deserve some kind of respect, warning or communication that they were giving notice for my other son to vacate. I asked for them to at least be patient and allow him more time to find a decent and affordable place.

I was immediately put on notice by new daughter that this was none of my business! A crushing blow considering the financial support I have gifted them in more ways beyond the cheap rent. My married son says he stands by his new wife and I am reduced to another status, below the priority of husband and wife. He wants nothing more to do with me and both have now threatened to prevent any relationship with future grandchildren.

Was I wrong and clueless in my assumption that we could all be friends and that my relationship could still remain sweet with my son? I guess the saying I used in this title is quite accurate. I had heard this saying over the years, but never dreamed it would happen to me. I now resent the emotional and financial support since all I really wanted in return for my favors was respect and appreciation for what I had given. It is clear by their reaction that they are threatened that I have any control over their living space, even though I have not asked them for any details about the painting, updating etc.  I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth.   I am hurting beyond what can be expressed. Could really use some support – please !

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Posted in family & relationships.

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304 Responses

  1. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    DEEANN DEEANN :   “IT” has nothing to do with you.  All the players are in a deceit mode, your good son is “avoiding confrontation”?  I think he is just procrastinating and the confrontation is inevitable.  It is:  do you want to please this person (at all) or are you pretending so that things will remain stable?  What a question?  No one here is being honest (except you) and as a result you think it is you.
    One son is pretending he wants a relationship with his brother while his brother is so very angry and disrespectful; the other son is pretending his married life is just great.  The DIL is also pretending she cares about her husband’s family.
    Where is the integrity?  Who is being real?  How long will the charades last?  How are you going to put this puzzle together when it falls?  “IT” will fall, there is no foundation.
    Please do not put it together with money.  Use love and suggestions for moving forward, not $$.
    I told my son he had to make a choice:  either hand out with people who are fun and interesting AND respect you, or LEAVE take the hurt and move on.  Being miserable in a relationship (as we all know) is the worst, whether it is a son/daughter/mom/dad/spouse/partner.  It is hard work to be miserable, the choice is simple stay and come to terms with it, or take the hit and leave.  Someone has to blink.
    DEEANN it is not yours to fix.  That is why you cannot see there from here.  You just cannot get there from here.  There is no road.  I repeat it is not yours to fix; you get to standby and wait for the puzzle to fall.
    Oh, yes, and love them in the process.  Each in their own way is doing the best they know.  When they have different info they may change.
    When *not IF* “IT” gets worse you may want to evict.  AND ensure he has money for condoms as I do not think they can be trusted to not think a child (they have the fence) is THE solution.

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      to darcy
      really good post and spot on. good honest approach to all that has happened. i stopped the money and being a soft touch for anything needed. hard but i did do this. you are right that love will win in the end. you have a very good insight. i am sure you have been hurt badly too.xxx

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  2. DeeAnn DeeAnn says

    Hi Darcy
    I know that this is not mine to fix, but that does not make it any easier to cope with. I do know that I cannot take this personal. I know that the dysfunction and bad behavior is coming from others who I cannot control. I know that games are being played.  I can know all these facts but it still hurts like heck. It is still frustrating and still makes no good sense any way it is spun and I will never come to terms with this in a logical way that will bring me peace.  As I have shared in previous posts, I can only pick up the pieces from here and live my life, day to day, knowing this is a long haul situation that may never have resolution. I reminded my son in a letter that he is loved and that is all I can do.  It is likely a train wreck heading off track.  Try as a might to break free of the pain and discomfort of this fact it sticks to me like glue that I cannot remove. As the days go on I can find some moments of peace to let go of the emotions and just be… other times I am fuming at the injustice and juvenile behavior that continues to stink. I will not likely hear a word or have any contact until crap hits the fan. I pray that this couple has trouble conceiving children, which is a sad thing to admit, but will be the only saving grace at this point for my sons sake. This whole thing just sucks but I know there is little I can do but wait it out. Thanks for your level headed input. BTW, looks like this site deletes or hides previous posts. Do you know what is up with that and how to retrieve???

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    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      Just click on page number at the end of info.  This is now page 4, scroll down and click on page (whatever).
      The thing with the mind is to move it, make up a mantra.  When i was being stalked and my mind needed to focus anywhere else — I made up “God loves us and guides us and keeps us safe”.  I am lucky to not have worn it out.  Any sort of saying that works out for you, I tried a few before landing with that.
      The train wreck has always had me as a passenger, rarely a bystander.  I have friends with whom I have “bystanded” and watched the wreck.  It is awful, painful — and worse, unnecessary (or so it seems).

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      to deeann
      this is early days yet and try to keep a channel open for your son. this is hard i know when emotion run high. no matter what i have kept talking through text and e mail and even the sucky 30 mins home visit. just light stuff how are you blah blah and i still love you at the end of it.  i am doing this because as darcy stated things do fall down in the end if they are built on sand. this is what i am waiting for the fall down. i just have to take the poop in between now and when this happens. it is a roller coaster ride.  just have to keep going until the fall and try be positive towards your son when sending a message  never about you as such about him how is he doing anything that is light etc. my son is now visiting when his girlfriend lets him …i want to scream at him wake up and be your own man….no  i can’t do this just softly softly until his world changes… no money as darcy states as this enables them to carry on and see you as the bank of mom! i asked my son if he was happy when he was here. he took far too long to answer…..almost having to think about it.so i feel this may be the start of the fall …….i may have to wait a long time but i know he should have answered straight away if he was in a good place..so keep going deeann let him know you love him and sit back and wait. i was at the start  of all of this in a one legged kicking up the bum contest or it felt like it …i was kicking myself and falling over..but you have to keep going with your own life looking after yourself and being good to yourself until that time  no going under! we are all here for you.xxxxx

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  3. June June says

    Hello all….sorry I’ve been MIA today, but I have been very tied up in this election. I got so involved in this election that I was like a Political junkie. LOL! I felt very passionate about one candidate and was fearful about what would happen if the other one was elected. As you can see, I’ve been up all night, watching the results and analysis. I feel like I can breath again:) I caught up on reading all the posts and will reply later. Have to get to bed now <yawn>.  Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you and value you so much. You make me think, you make me laugh, you make me connect, and you make me want to take better care of myself. Hugs

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  4. Generic Image grumpys says

    to june night night ….yes we do care about each other and i am glad you are all here sharing because at times you think you are going crazy! you need feed back to say no your not! sleep well x

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  5. Generic Image arden says

    And ladies, do you want to know the irony of it all. Despite what our kids do to us, despite how they shun us for their wives, despite the cruel words either spoken or written, despite the nastiness and the deceptions, they know deep in their hearts, that a sincere “I’m sorry mom and I love you” will regain their place in our hearts because really it has always been there. Ain’t we pathetic creatures though! LOL
    I’ve been following this thread since the start and thinking how we spoil our sons especially. There is a mother-son bond that will withstand so many heartbreaks on the mom’s part. Our daughters probably share the same bond with their dads. I think the bond is a natural thing because sons need to know how to relate to women and we teach them that. Hmmm maybe we teach them too well as they make better mates than they do sons once they marry. I know they have to move on, I know their wives should be their first priority but how come we can find space for them in our hearts and often they seem only to be able to find room for one. It’s the nature of the beast I guess.
    And thank God that we have women to talk/complain/cry with. My husband says he envies me the fact that, when I am troubled I can turn to women friends. The internet has expanded the women network and let us know that we are not alone in this world.

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      how true and it hurts so much. it is very difficult to live with that you are dismissed so easily from their lives. i am hoping in the long run things turn around for me and everyone on this site as it is so painful. you just have to carry on until that day comes. sooner would be nicer rather than later. i have enjoyed all the advice and banter here as we also need to laugh or we would fold. thanks for your post as this is a new insight on being a mother of son and not one i had thought of the…… bonding side of things. spot on i think! x

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    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      I think we have room for them because that is what family does.  The sons are busy getting life “organized”.  Find a mate, get housing, learn to be married, learn marriage is not easy (for many), figure out how to handle the mistake (if wrong spouse), find a way out without too much embarrassment.  Consider having children.  They are just as busy as many of us were at “marriage-time”.
      I was never friends with a MIL.  They were troublesome people.  Defended their sons to the end.  In spite of one being a binge-drinker, one took me on same “honeymoon” as first wife (his mom was 5 feet and a size 2), I was 5’8 and 150 w/size 12 feet.  She used to tell me how hard it was to find size 4 shoes???!  And it did not get any better.
      I love my son and hope I am prepared for whomsoever he chooses.  He has made a couple of questionable picks.  Hope he has his self-esteem in tact and his priorities in order.
      Some sons are just “too busy” to recall mom the way we want, and I know we want so little (pathetic!?) and always in love with the “child”.

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      • Generic Image grumpys says

        ouch darcy!  seems like you have rolled with the punches in your life. it seems that it hurt you badly at the time. we get stronger i think with every single blow and learn from it. i hope you are happy now and where you want to be in your life. sometimes looking back you wish things could have been different but you just can’t change it . so you have to move forward and start again. by the way i have a size 4 foot and the other a size 5 i would like a set that matches… that would be good! now buying matching odd size shoes are really hard to find if not impossible.  lol at least  where my feet are concerned one is right and one is left. i could have ended up with two left feet…i walk like i have though as one shoe flops about!

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    • Evie Evie says

      Hi, Arden,

      I hope you see my response! I completely missed your post which seems to be pretty easy to do…there are so many ladies posting! : ) What a great ‘blog’.

      I think what you have written about how we raised our boys, to be secure, independent thinkers, etc. prepared them to take a stand, along with their wives, to make their lives work…even if it means to stand up, walk away from, mom. I do know that children who are love deprived often seek the love from their parents well into their adult lives. It’s a weird twist…makes me wonder if I should have locked my children out of the house once in awhile. Lol!

      Welcome to the group! Sorry I didn’t get back sooner! In fact, to everyone that I have skipped/missed, so sorry! Live is hectic here, right now, and I am doing the best I can to keep up!!

      Hugs to all!

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      left my e mail on this site if you would like to post deeann and possum also  have posted theirs to keep in touch if you would like too.

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  6. Generic Image grumpys says

    to deeann    are you still standing after your holiday? let me know you are okay as you have been on my mind as this is your first few days back. x

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  7. DeeAnn DeeAnn says

    Hi to Grumpys and all my lady friends. Such great posts. I am learning some hard lessons about being a mother in law. Although I believe I had a right to raise my hand and call foul about decisions regarding my own home that is being occupied, my son and DIL have a sense of entitlement and expectation that my gesture did not come with any integrity strings attached – like respect or appreciation. In world of values this was my expectation. Clash of mind sets all the way around. I would love to believe that on some level my son knows that the situation was not handled properly and that he should apologize at least for the misunderstanding or mean spirited threats made, yet hell will likely freeze over before that happens. He will align with wife, as this is the choice he made 7 months ago. Since there is no open communication there is little I can do to at least convey my love, beyond the letter I sent. I am in it for the long haul and hope that somehow this ugly mess will resolve over time. NOTICE TO ALL – I have given my email to Possum – who took a leap of faith and posted her email here, as noted in an above post. I told her she could share my email with any of you who send an email note to her. Welcome in Arden !
    Thanks again for all the wisdom, support and love that is conveyed in this special place. :-)

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      to deeann, you must be having a really bad day. hell can’t freeze a mother love. we are far to powerful for that to happen. just hang in there for the haul. i have been constant with my son… about once a week e-mail or text just say  that i hope he is doing well and that i care and love him…no answer for a long time…..yet it got me a sucky 30 minute visit after few months but it has left the door open for more.  we spoke on the phone today and have got a bit further with each other. not good but a little bit better. no where near where i would like it to be. don’t give up or give in. like you i do not think a sorry is coming any time soon but just keep plugging away. lead your own life as best you can. you have only just sent the letter and time is needed. big hug cos i know you are feeling battered all over again it is hitting you hard.   we are all here for you. xxx try and sleep and stay strong lean on your hubby for a while until your mind gives you some peace. things can get better do not give up hope!

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  8. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    I would like some information.  I was thinking about starting a new post.  Subject would be ….. something….. something….. (how) to pick a spouse, OR maybe how to pick a spouse,   You get the idea.  What would be the most indicative wording?  I am curious as to what goes into a successful vs. unsuccessful choice of partner.

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      try it and see what happens on a new comment. you will no doubt get plenty of feed back. not sure it matters how you word it. it would just be simple to say what you mean and then the flow starts. good luck

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    • Evie Evie says

      Hi darcy09,

      How about “Sharing our Mother in Law stories…the good, the bad, and the ugly!”  :)

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      • Generic Image grumpys says

        to evie
        just put me down for ugly ma in law and then i can get it over with lol so glad you are back i miss your humour. you make me laugh so much. hope kids are behaving. is your sick kitty is better? 

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      • Evie Evie says

        Hi grumpys,

        The household has changed, for sure! I know that it will settle into a routine, eventually, but, right now, I feel like I’m up to my eyeballs in kitty litter and tuna! They are as cute as they can be! I have a vaporizer in their “nursery” since the cold has spread to her brother.

        Every morning is so hectic…they are starving, eyes need to be cleaned, bowls need to be filled…on and on. I put them to bed at 7:00 so that I can have a life! Oh, I am such a mommy! At least these ‘kids’ won’t marry me and treat me like crap! :)

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  9. Generic Image grumpys says

    to deeann thinking of you keep strong and keep busy. try and make some of it pleasure for  just you . try and sleep well as it will stop you getting low and helps you face the day. when you can go a few hours at a time without thinking about it all, you will be able to ease up on yourself and rest your mind. then you have to learn to go a bit further and so on. the change is out of your control so you have to learn to live with it until it comes around. make your days count you have a choice here to be sad and blue or make the best of this time until things turn around. you are not alone in being confused by our kids and why they do dumb stuff to us. big cuddle as you are valued by all of us x i think i would have gone crazy if i had not found you, we all need to support each other to make it easier to cope with. we are still here for you.

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    • DeeAnn DeeAnn says

      Hi Grumpys
      Thanks for continuing to check in and giving me continued support. I am still standing, although at times I feel like I want to sink into a hole. This is my new life, and I have no choice but to carry on… There are moments when I am busy and forget that I have lost my son for the time being. Never thought I would be in this spot but as time is passing I am learning to cope and move forward.  I am going to take a leap of faith (following possums lead) and provide my email address so you can drop me a note directly. I am not sure how long we can go on this site as we are already on page 5! Oh my, so many nice ladies suffering or in heartbreak like us. I don’t know what I would have done without you all. This has been a huge life line for sure. My email address is: 2deeannm@gmail.com
      Hope all is well with evie and her kitty. We have not heard from her in a while. Big hugs to you and all ,my dear friends.

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      • Generic Image grumpys says

        i have sent possum my  e mail for you and posted a test one to yours to see if it works okay first. i was a bit concerned you were having a down day but your post seems that you are getting there today. just got to keep going even when that hole is asking you to sink in to it. it does come in waves, our emotions and can be hard to control. it is trying to stay up beat while waiting and hoping for a good result. bad day for me yesterday after 30 min sucky meeting. with son.. then yesterday i held out yet another olive branch and got beaten with it. this was in a phone call.  my son made me cry and grumpy was so good to me ,yet again. he was a snot i am afraid. i have decided no more and not to do anything else or try to leave a path back to my door for my son. the poop pile has got bigger here!  i can not see over the top of it. i am going to make the most of what i have left to me. grumpy and i have now decided to sell our family house. i have a buyer the first one that walked in the door. we are going to buy a bungalow. i think the move will be after christmas towards the end of january. this house is too big for two. we have been here since we got together so it is going to be hard to leave. i am getting ready for it though. i am not leaving the area just the house. i will not have the views of the valley or the hills where i am going but will have a home that will be easier to keep up in my later years. i am now looking at that  and have time to refurbish and make a comfortable nest for grumpy and i. it is close to other family members as grumpys aunt lives next door and his cousins. grumpys parents live two villages away so we will not be any further from them when needed. i do not have any other news for now but will send pics soon now i have an e mail as i tried to stick one on this site and it will not let you. keep going deeann. p.s the money i am saving on gas, electric, food and petrol …. no son running up the bills …..so i am going to treat myself to a nice long winter wool coat out of it lol  xxxx

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  10. DeeAnn DeeAnn says

    HI grumpys
    Wow, lots of changes for you! I can imagine it will be hard to leave your home, especially since it is where you raised your family. I am so very sorry about getting beat up again by your son. Tell him DeeAnn says NO MORE! Good thing you have your man. My husband will be in London all next week on business. Wish I could come with him and look you up! Maybe another time, as he travels to UK often for work. I did get your email link and sent back a note to let you know it came through ok. Hopefully we can email direct – then you can send me all the pictures you want :-)
    PS: Your note always cheers me up – it has been a down day for me, but getting better now that I have great friends to give me pep talks! You go girl – get that new wool coat and maybe some boots or gloves too!

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  11. Generic Image grumpys says

    to evie, loved your post can you send your e mail address to deeann for me to keep in touch in case we get cut off or to possum as they have posted on this site. you have to look back and find the right post with e mail address on it to reply . glad kittens are now getting home schooled. hope they recover as they do not sound well but as long as they are eating and drinking they have a good chance of beating it. you make me laugh about them not getting married. i laughed at that one! i am unable to post mine as sons girlfriend follows me on face book. i have to be careful as she uses anything i say in the wrong way. it gets turned on me. keep in touch as i miss you. hugs and kisses.

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    • Evie Evie says

      Hi grumpys,

      When you write to DeeAnn be sure and asked her for my email. I think it is great that we can have another way to keep in touch! I was telling DeeAnn that I miss so much on this site…it is so hard to keep up! It has been an important sharing, but I don’t know how long it can go…are there any rules about length? Well, if so, we can stay in touch with email! Yay!

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  12. Generic Image grumpys says

    if any ladies want to post to me by e mail deeann and possum i am sure will post my e mail address to you. e mail addresses in older posts deeann and possum . i would post mine out but girlfriend follows my posts on facebook and has used what i have said in innocence against me. it was turned around… very insecure girl got my son on his horse again to be her knight…i am past this dumb stuff and it grates on my nerves to have to explain myself to her through my son!

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  13. Generic Image grumpys says

    to evie
    will do i will ask next e mail to deeann . x

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  14. Generic Image grumpys says

    hope everyone on this site is doing okay. just in case if we get cut off….. deeann and possum have my e mail to stay in touch if you would like to keep going and post me…. they will kindly post out mine to you…. as we have all helped each other so much.  they have put their e mails on older post for contact. now i am off to have me some kid free time a nice cuppa and a chocolate biscuit  or two and no not the cheap sort!  plus a good read if i can find a decent book  xxx

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    • Evie Evie says

      Hi grumpys,

      Yes, we will need to stay in touch…just in case we are shut down! Lol It’s the week end and warm weather…everybody’s out running around! Me…I’m in the furry baby mode…still! xo’s

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  15. June June says

    Wow! I haven’t been on this site for a few days and look how many posts there are!! I have just finished reading the newer ones. My e mail is Pouffe9@Yahoo.com. Please email me, so I can put yours in my contacts list. I can’t guarantee that I can keep up with all the e mails either! LOL But I have an idea. If our posts on here get cut off, we could write one e mail and distribute it to everyone.

    Not a whole lot new here. I’ve been on medical leave from work, but am thinking about just going ahead and retiring. I’m not in the financial position I should be in, but I could make it. I’m probably older than all of you. I’m 66, have worked all my life, and am so ready to have the rest of my time for me. I got my first Social Security check last month. Grumpys…does England have anything like Social Security for the elderly? I know you have socialized medicine.

    I am going to my son’s for Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen them since my youngest grandson was 3 weeks old. He’ll be 11 months when I’m there. I was going to stay at their house, but decided to make a hotel reservation nnearby instead. They were going to give me the older (3 years old) grandson’s bed and have him sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor, but I don’t want to do that and think I’d be more comfortable in a room where I can spread my stuff out and get a little “me” time away from them. I think my DIL will be happier with that too. Rich and I usually talk on Sunday, so I’ll see how they’re feeling about that.

    I hope you are all taking some “me” time and treating yourself good. Love the idea of the new coat Grumpys!!

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      to june
      hope you have a good time when you go. good idea staying in a hotel and gives you space. i hope this visit brings you a lot of joy. what the elderly get is a state pension if they need care in the home then an allowance is given to pay someone to care for them it is not a lot …..but you get someone to come in and clean or make food or wash you that kind of thing. the pension is topped up if you do not have a full one and you get a winter heating allowance free docs dentist hearing and eye glasses once you retire now 67 yrs for most to retire, you pay through your income so not really free and work is 30 yrs or more for this, if you are unable to pay you have housing benefit and council tax this means general services bin collection street lighting etc paid. but means tested on your income and assets. sounds good but not as year on year it is getting less and is just about enough to live on. if you need private care home you pay if no money social care home but if you have a house they make you sell it to pay for your own care. not fair really but they do. kids are left with nothing. i would rather not go in home as social ones that are good are very few and if you pay goodbye house. so i do not want either. i am sure you get other things but have not got there yet but not long though….. trouble is i still feel like i am in my 20s  i am still looking for fun. i also think you get free tv license at a certain age. you can also apply for lower gas and electric if you do not have enough income. the thing is u.k people try to buy their houses yes there is a rental market but most of us want to buy so the government has you if you own property. magic! hope i have answered your question. well as best as i can as i do not know all of it. bye for now x

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  16. Generic Image grumpys says

    everyone seems to have disappeared from here hope you are all okay . miss ALL YOUR COMMENTS SO MUCH!

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  17. Generic Image grumpys says

    POSTING MY E MAIL grumpys.pad60@live.co.uk if you would like to post it is for everyone to use on this thread.

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  18. June June says

    Hi Grumpys,  You’re right. Nobody posting here any more. Have you gotten the e mails….from me and Deeann? That was a few days ago. I haven’t been on line much because not feeling well. I have several illnesses and sometimes they all gang up on me.

    Somebody mentioned being jealous of others’ relationships with their sons (like in-laws). I don’t llike to admit it, but I have terrible jealousy over my DIL’s parents. I live about 12 hours away (drive) from my son and his family. DIL’s parents live about 6 hours away and get to see my son and his family much more often. Her parents drive up to Michigan and son and DIL drive to see her parents. Son came to see me by himself about 5 years ago after I had knee replacement surgery (he flew in). He has not visited since. I can only go up to Michigan about twice a year because I have to fly. I get so jealous of the time that DIL’s parents get to spend with my grandsons and form a relationship with them. When I talk to the 3 year old on the phone, he calls me “Nanny”, which is the name of other grandmother. I’m called Grammy. Nanny was there last weekend and babysat the boys, so son and DIL could go out with friends. Then, on FB, DIL’s mother is always saying how she and her husband consider my son to be like their son. DIL’s parents are divorced and both remarried years ago. They all think my son is a savior because DIL had a wild streak and he has settled her down. They think he saved her life because they thought her life was taking a different direction. He’s the best husband and father. He loves his sons so much and does a great deal of the child care. I know that that is one of the great incentives for him to stick with DIL. They had critical problems about 5 years ago, before the kids. He called me, miserable, crying, ready to leave her, but feeling overwhelmed by debt she had run up. Somehow, they worked things out and he was able to get them out of debt. They seem to have a very good marriage now and 2 beautiful sons. Sometimes I even get envious of the relationship they have because I’d like to have a relationship like that, but haven’t achieved that. So…..what does one do with the jealousy over the in-laws? In the Walking on Eggshells book it says that the daughter’s parents always have the advantage because the daughter’s mother is always going to be their for births and any time the daughter needs her.

    Have you heard from your son again? The girlfriend’s parents sound dispicable! I hope it’s just a matter of time until he wakes up and comes around again.   My son and I had a terrible episode last year and I thought our relationship was over for good and that nothing would ever be the same. I thought I’d never see my grandchlldren again. I was so depressed and miserable, but time softened the words and gradually we reconnected. I know to keep my mouth shut now in order to have that connection and be part of my grandsons’ lives. I’m even planning to move up there to be near them and hope what I’ve learned about all this will work ut okay.

    XOXOXO   June

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      to june 
      no i have only had a post from deeann and just a quick note just a few moments ago from possum my e mail is on this site now if you would like to post me there. i did not receive one, from you. i can understand your jealousy i feel the same as my son is to spend christmas with the low life family and awful girlfriend. i am  still in shock from this family.  we will get a 30 minute sucky visit if we are lucky . i am still going to carry on as normal though as i have to for others and i will make the most of it. i am sure they see my son for the same reason as you dil parents. a godsend to keep her on the straight and narrow as we call it.  plus he is paying for everything until the money runs out. it is so hard when you feel you made all the effort rearing a good decent person to have them spend their time pleasing another family so much to the point of exclusion from their  own family.  i am really fed up with it angry and i admit bitter  to boot at times . my son is 19 years old and a brain box he could go far …not sure he will now though. he is taking a chemistry degree at university with a view to teach this subject. i just am holding my breath that he does not give this up as she has failed all her exams as is now working as a waitress. she is here near where i live a few villages away. my son is in wales not england for the time being until the christmas holiday. he has two years to go to complete and a further year for teacher training. he is spending money faster than he can earn it and i think he will end up in debt. 
      i think it is okay to be mad as it does hurt and some times you just do not deserve the awful uncaring treatment you get. there is just no common sense to it all. you can only beat yourself up for so long.  my daughter is just around the corner from me but i do not visit unless asked and i babysit but this at my house. we do talk on the phone everyday. we have a good relationship. i try not to get in the way or interfere as she has her own life. i have taken advice from you about speaking freely as this has not paid. when my son and i had a row about his girlfriend i said in shear frustration that i could slap her face for all the trouble she had caused us as a family. this was just to my son she was not there when i said it …he repeated it to her and then she was making out that i threatened her.  i thought i was going to have to take legal advice ……..so yes, i do not trust my son and no. , i will not be saying anything to him  ever again like this …not even in frustration at his own stupidity.  i just can’t believe he told her? if you do decide to move nearer to your son can you go for a long holiday if you can to see if it is really where you want to be. it could be such an upheaval for you and it may not work out. can you find a cheap let to stay to see if you like the area and what it has to offer you ….not just seeing your son and grandchildren that is the bonus but you have to have a life also and you would be living everyday life some where new. i am glad that you reconnected to your son but you do seem to have had a tough time getting there. you could move and be in the same boat as it appears just a few words can lead to a nightmare! lol june we both know this one. no need to be depressed or miserable now as we are in a group of understanding people and no judgement on any of us. no justice either though. i hope this post finds you feeling a little better now and a bit stronger from that no good gang of illnesses. feet up and take a break.
      speak to you soon. p.s the book sounds good. i might have to order it as i have not seen it here at any book shops. it may offer me an insight.    xxxx  grumpys

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  19. June June says

    Grumphys,  I sent you and all the ladies an e mail just now. I hope I got your e mail right. You sent me a check e mail and I replied to you. I replied to an e mail from DeeAnn and sent it to the whole group. Let’s see if you get the one I sent today. It may be that your computer is putting it in your Spam folder? My e mail name is Pouffe9  and it’s at Yahoo.com. Pouffe was a beloved dog I had. She passed away over 10 years ago, when I lived in Florida.

    Please do order the Walking on Eggshells book. I got mine on Amazon.com. Their prices are usually better than bookstores annyway. Sometimes you can pick up a good used copy that someone traded in.

    Regarding your son telling the girlfriend what you said. The same thing hhappened to me!! What an embarrassment and sure didn’t go well for developing a relationship with her. Oh, the mistakes we make! It’s like a booby trap nobody warned us about.  When I was at the height of being miserable, I had an appointmnt t the hairdressers. We always chit chat and I was tellling her about the problems with son and DIL, when the woman next to me spoke up and starting telling about the same problem with her son and DIL. We went on and on with very similar stories. I was shocked that anyone else could have the same problem as me! I thought that we may have been isolated cases, until I found you all on this web site, I’m so thankful I did find you. I have learned so much. I just really wonder why I never heard of this before. Now that I think of it, there was one example in my life, but I didn’t realize it because I was so young. My grandmother had real problems and hurt feelings with her son’s (my uncle’s) wife. That went on from when he first married (WWII) until his untimely death from meningitis. I think he was around 60 when he died.

    Are you close to Wales where your son is in school? I too hope he goes through  and finishes his education. These days you have to have it to get anywhere. My son is an engineer with a mmedical company and love his job. He has a graduate degree in Robotics and is involved in a new project now. That’s where he met his wife, when he was in graduate school at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. Her mother lives there with her stepfather. DIL was home for a semester from her school, Florida State Univ. She was ill for a semester and she and my son met on line. He finished his degree and then moved to Florida to be with her. They lived together for 3 years and then married. He took a job he hated with a very long commute to be with her until she graduated. Then, it was his turn and he got a great job offer in Michigan.

    We are going to be just fine for the holidays. We have each other and there’s nothing better for me right now as a group of friends who totally understand. I don’t feel so wierd any more:)   Do buy the book.  I really think it’s paying off for me and I  haven’t even finished it yet.

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    • Generic Image grumpys says

      hi, i will check out your e mail address and try and send one later. i thought i was on my own too. it is so hard to talk about with people you know as i was a fraid in some ways of being judged. i think at times my son behaves badly and i can’t just blame the girlfriend because he has choice how to act.
      i will try your e mail.
      speak soon grumpys.x

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  20. June June says

    Grumpys…Did you receive the e mail? I haven’t heard from anyone and wonder how everyone is doing. I’m okay and looking forward to my trip to see my son. I leave next Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. My plane leaves at 6:00 a.m., short layover in Chicago, and land in Kalamazoo at 10:30 a.m.  Do you have anything equivalent to Thanksgiving there? I know you have Boxer Day, which I think is like our 4th of July.

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  21. Generic Image grumpys says

    to june i sent you an e mail i do not think it reached you i did a return post. i wil try again to day /, yes we call thanks giving Easter when the harvest is going on. have a great holiday and really enjoy your time there. can you look for my post and let me know later if you have got it.
    speak later. grumpys

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  22. Generic Image grumpys says

    to june i have now sent two to test your address can you reply to which one you are using now . they have been posted to both different ones. then i can keep in touch with you. i hope you have a safe jounrey and that you have a good time. fingers crossed speak to you  soon i hope.
    grumpys

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