I recently wrote a blog about why it’s so freakin’ hard for women to say “no” to things we really don’t want to do. I’ve had so much post-discussion on this topic that I’ve decided to share a few of the solutions shared by a fellow Dame.
Most of us agree that saying “no” is like kryptonite to women . . . it’s the one thing that seems to take us down. Therefore, I think we need a few practical suggestions. Many thanks to a reader at Vibrant Nation with the screen name Gold Bangles for providing the following three tips for saying “no”:
1. (Request is made) Response: Oh, I don’t think that would be good for me. Gold Bangles says this response dumbfounds people — what are they going to do, ask you to do it even though it’s not good for you? I love it.
I bet it could even work for sex:
Husband: Hey honey, want to fool around?
Wife: Oh, my dear, I don’t think that would be good for me.
2. (Friend/Family member calls to tell you about their latest woes) Response: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope YOU get it all worked out. I am rooting for you! A positive response that shows you care without involving you as part of the solution.
I think this one could work for sex as well:
Husband: Hey honey, I am ready to make love.
Wife: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope YOU get it all worked out. I am rooting for you!
3. (Request is made) Do NOT offer your help unless it is requested. You know we all do it. Someone who already takes a lot of time tells you about her latest problem and you say, “if there’s any way I can help, please let me know.” If a person is volunteering a lot of personal information, odds are she would love to have your help. So be ready to deliver if you make the offer.
This one does NOT work for sex, because you know that your help will be routinely requested. If sex is the issue, then stick with #1 and #2.
An Ounce of Prevention
Here’s a little preventative tip — watch out for what I call the “abyss” friends or family members. These are people who are NEVER okay. Every time you talk to them their husband has been mean to them or their dog has died or their Great Aunt on their father’s side fell or somebody is talking about them or . . . They are a swirling abyss of need. They want attention and you are their mark.
Here are a few symptoms of abyss friends:
- They talk about themselves at least 80% of the time, and if you try to talk about yourself or somebody else, they shift the topic back to themselves in less than 20 seconds.
- They are victims of everything and everybody.
- After a long conversation with them, you have a slight urge to jump off a bridge.
These people are the sun of their own universe, and you will get burned eventually. I promise.
So, Dames, say “no” to take care of yourself. Say “no” when you are being used or manipulated. Say “no” when your body tells you it’s the wrong thing to do.
And keep sharing your suggestions of how to say “no.” I know I need it. I had a bridge-jumping conversation just this week, and I stayed on for over an hour. Granted, I put the phone down and watched football while she talked, but still . . .
We need to start a club. I've worn Wacoal for quite a few years now. They keep my 38F girls in place. Pricey but they last and I need the support.
Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
Great job! Bravo.
Don’t know if I ever said it, but thank you Gold Bangles for your great response that fueled this article!
My son’s father (commonly referred to as one sperm away from useless) impelled me to respond with “oh”.
“oh I can see how you would think that way”, not my idea, not over my best intentions, and on and on…. just Oh!
“Oh! how interesting, I never thought of it that way”
Oh, how interesting and how are you doing to deal with that
Oh really??
No that really does not work for me.
No, not today there is just no time.
No, but thank you for asking.
Anything else just led me to situations, conversations that were just stifling and pointless. The man never had a thought that was his and not mine reworded and spit out at me.
Saying “no” takes practise so practice practice practice and start with small “no’s”. No, Wednesday does not work for me. Oh no, that just does not interest me. No No No
Darcy09: So many of us have been in the same situation — and I’ve had the same thing happen in meetings at work where I mentioned something several times and have it fall on deaf ears until a man restated it, getting a response such as, “Wow, Bob – that’s it exactly!”
Saying “no” does take daily effort and practice. You are so right.
I just listen and say “Wish there were more hours in the day but I’m just too over-booked right now to lend you much more than my good thoughts and wishes. I have faith in you and your ability to figure this one out.” And I’m usually telling the truth – like most of us.
All that talk about how to say “no” to sex is really depressing. Especially with the flip side of so many complaing of the lack of it. I have no response to say “no” to sex. It’s always “yes” – best exercise there is as far as I’m concerned. For him and for me. Life is too short and you can always use sex as an excuse to say “no” to other things. Like, “sorry, but I have to have sex that night – can’t attend your little pity party.”
Seriously though, women have to toughen up on this topic of saying no and be more like men. Just tell the truth, protect your boundaries, conserve your time and energy for people and things that really matter, and don’t worry about offending so much.
Sophie: The no to sex is mostly for humor’s sake — I thoroughly enjoy it. I agree that women need to toughen up on this topic. . . just for our own sanity. For some of us it’s easy, for others it is not. I don’t know that there’s a right answer, it’s just an interesting dilemma. It is said that we do what we do because somewhere along the line we were rewarded for that behavior. I don’t have the answer, but I love the conversation. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
This should be such a non-issue. No means no!
Why do you feel the need to justify yourself? Grow a spine ladies & quit playing the martyr!
i do have a spine now, it was not always the case. Others who view this site may also need a hand up to say no, and this is a page of suggestions. “grow a spine” for some needs more information. There are self-esteem issues wound up in the inability to say no easily. Who knows what the family of origin was like?, this is just an opportunity to begin the process of growing.
A bit of backbone never hurt anyone, but you didn’t address the issue of having to feel the need to justify yourself!? It isn’t enough that you feel badly in ‘having’ to say no, but then you compound the situation even further by feeling the need to justify why? I say why not just say no without having to say why!?
With experience in saying no comes the ease with which it is said. In the beginning an outright no is troublesome as it seems impolite, rude, rough on the tongue and the others’ ears. That is what makes a no — not now, no I do not have time. Listening to others will give you a lot of information on how people say no, refuse, recuse, and on and on. It is rare to hear an outright NO, although I understand it is easy for you. It is not universally easy for many, and we get more accustomed to the word the more we use it.
That ease came with age & wisdom & how enlightening & empowering that is & why I would never wish I was younger – age certainly has it’s benefits!