Am desperate for some insights from the Vibrant Nation community.
Disclaimers: I love him and he loves me. Yes, I know I am very, very lucky to have a partner at this time in my life.
I was able to tolerate some of my husband’s stuff before the 24/7 of retirement. But now…
1) I need to understand why my partner is “independent” to a fault. He expects praise for his accomplishments, but never ever gives me praise for things I do.
2) He always had a “smart mouth,” but kept his sassy mouth and his criticisms toned down when I was working, cause he knew I was stressed at my job. But now the kid gloves are off. (Yes, I’ve always been a bit sensitive to criticism).
3) He likes sex. So do I, thank goodness, ’cause that’s the only time we have physical contact. In the 2 yrs since retirement, he has initiated touching me outside the bedroom only ONE time, and that was to pat me on the head in passing. Yet he told me about a program on TV that said women need touching for Oxytocin. If he knows how important that is, why does he behave the way he does? You bet your sweet patootie I am bitter!
It was fine that we had complementary personality types when we were raising a family, but now it seems that these internal reactions to him post-retirement are turning into geat unhappiness on my part. I know he’s not going to change. What can I do to adjust? And yes, it sucks that I always have to be the one to adjust, but it is what it is.
Thanks in advance.
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Sounds very interesting.
Men are so not intuitive. You have to hit them over the head, verbally, with a 2×4.
And possibly not just verbally –
tell him! And reply back when he downplays you. Do not be a doormat.
You have changed. You have time to respond to all the things that annoyed you during your raising a family phase. Your needs haven’t changed, you are just realizing what you have missed. So if you truly do love him take on the task of letting him know exactly what you want in exactly the manner you want it. There’s no such thing as unconditional love and giving (baloney). You are willing to give him what he needs, if he is willing to give you what you need. Aiming his sassy mouth criticisms at you is absolutely wrong — tell him so and also tell him what you would rather hear from him. Thank the stars that you still have a great sex life. But tell him you’d like affection in the way of pats, hugs, looks and such in between the sex. Maybe you’ve never been told that “men withhold love from us when they don’t feel respected.” “Women withhold respect from men when they don’t feel loved.” You don’t have to endure or adjust all by yourself . . . it takes two. Ask your husband to join you in this next phase of your lives together.
Dyna…I agree totally ! It can be a very exciting journey ! A new chapter in your book. But better to set things straight now, rather than later. It is like getting to know each other all over again.
Possum
My husband retired with bi-lateral knee surgery, severe complications, & is knee obsessed ! We have survived thru this since March. We love each other very much. BUT, having him around 24/7 is quite a challenge. My challenge is losing my time alone, I miss that most. Knowing I have a full day all to myself. I do believe that when you are together after retirement you do see the actions, attitudes etc. that you did not have time to see while raising children & working. I can say that at times I don’t like my husband. He does get on my nerves. He can tell ! So he goes & find something to do. I am sure I get on his nerves. I know we will probably take a year to adjust. We have planned some time away, just the two of us, for the next year. I have planned some time away with girl-friends. I do love waking up every morning & knowing he is not going to work. I know this post is full of contradictions…but each day is a new day.
Love your response, dyna!
Hi Possum J,
I know what I write you will already know, but I’ll write it, anyway.
Men are a different species/breed, altogether. To them sex is LOVE, period. In a man’s mind, once the sex act is over, they are feeling that they loved you completely! It doesn’t occur to them that you need anymore lovin’! I know, it seems insane, but these guys don’t fully get touching, cuddling, ‘sweet little nothings’ when you’re up and about! There are probably some guys out there who are more affectionate, but the majority are brain dead in this department.
We ladies, on the other hand, really want our man to be sweet, loving, kind. interesting, well, all kinds of things. Like I said, we are a different breed. Sometimes, I think ‘nature’ puts the male and female together to produce children and then leaves us, this completely opposite twosome, to fight it out!
In a long-term relationship, if the couple hasn’t become friends, all that is left is anger and loneliness. Also, once we are together ‘full time’ (24/7), these innate differences become even more blatant.
It is a real good idea to create a life, on some level, outside the marriage. I mean with gal friends, creative classes, a part time ‘fun’ job. Like you said, the 24/7 is wrecking what you have left of your relationship, so you need to do something about it.
You’ll like him better if you create some space. also, speak from your heart, not in a blaming tone, and explain that his wisecracks, criticisms, hurt you. And men are short on praise too, but are real ‘roosters’ around their own accomplishments. Not pretty, but it’s a fact. :]
We ladies do have to be strong! Most of us are born with innate emotional intelligence, men are born with analytical, technical skills hard wired into them. It’s up to us to teach them the emotional/loving side of things.
I must say I have been somewhat successful with my hubby, but have to gently remind him from time to time. He forgets.
I hope this helps some. You are not alone, oh and, hey, the sex is good! You can thank your guy for that!!
Your response was like a healing balm for my heart. Thank you.
Oh, I’m so glad. Stay in touch! xo
Many thanks to Pani, Lynette, Mags, dyna, and Evie for sharing your advice and your life situations.
It helps to know that I am not alone in my adjustment. I have learned something from each of you.
YW…all the best !
I’m hesitant to post this, ’cause I may take some flack, but as it just may help someone else… This past weekend it dawned on me that in some respects, my husband’s behavior is similar to the stereotype of a cat. Ignores you unless he wants attention (as it R/T the physical attention and the praise depts). So, I just say to myself “Hello Kitty” whenever he does any of the things that bother me, including his observations, his always right pronouncements, and his type A stuff.
It is defusing my reaction to his stuff, by centering me and by giving me a little chuckle (laughter, even silent laughter is healing).