Vibrant Nation

Hi Montana Lady - My heart goes out to you. I also come from an alcoholic family - father and two uncles, brother and sister, one of 3 sons an alcoholic.

Alcohol permeates our entire lives. It's interesting that each of my 3 sons married into homes where alcohol was also a problem. And usually when I meet new people and become friends, I learn that we share "alcoholism" in our backgrounds.

It makes me angry that our governments have come out against smoking while basically ignoring alcohol. Yes, the preach against drinking and driving but they don't talk about how alcohol kills people through their physical health (cancer of the liver) or how alcohol ruins marriages and causes abusive relationships which often result in physical abuse and ALWAYS involves emotional abuse. I guess I'm lucky - I remember the fights my parents had when my dad came home drunk so I was terrified of drinking. My father quit drinking when I was about 12 so my younger sister and brother don't remember what life was like when dad was drinking. So they became alcoholics themselves. My brother eventually quit and shortly afterwards, my sister did also but she has gone back to it. My siblings have never liked me and it seems to be because of our different upbringings. Also, they saw me as the scapegoat for everything that went wrong that my parents put on me. They have never respected me as a person because my mother never respected me. By her own words, she took her anger and resentment towards my dad out on me and even when she realized this (I was now grown with teenaged boys), it was only after I got help after a nervous breakdown and learned to set boundaries, that my mother gradually began to see and treat me as a real person worthy of her respect.

Alcoholism is one of the world's worst illnesses along with all the other addictions. It changes who people are.

Creampuff, this is Marg in Montana responding to what you said in your response to me---what you said has saved my life today!  Even though I intellectually know all about the disease of alcoholism, and am very good at encouraging other people to seek help, for myself, emotionally, I'm in a very dangerous place right now and on the edge of collapse---what you said about your own experience, your own family, and about your being the scapegoat---and about your getting HELP after a nervous breakdown---and that you learned to set boundaries---and about how your mother eventually began to see you and treat you as a real person worthy of her respect.  And you are so right, alcoholism: "It changes who people are."   Today I'm getting back into therapy, and Alanon, after several years away --- I got to the point where I couldn't stand to hear about it anymore --- and nothing was changing with those around me who were drinking and still hurting me---the result has been that I have been getting sicker and sicker myself---I have to admit to myself that I need help and support for the rest of my life---because family alcoholism (whether you drink or not) affects you the rest of your life---WE NEED LIFE SUPPORT AT ALL TIMES, unlike those in the hospital who need life support for a period of time---this is a disease where LIFE SUPPORT IS AN ONGOING THING --- if it is not, then there is slow death.  Creampuff, please know that your sharing has been the most profound life support in the world at this time for me.  To know that you had a nervous breakdown, experienced things that are so very similar to what I experienced, that you got professional help and other support, and that you have survived and experienced healing in many ways, and that you now have respect from family members (after being a scapegoat) --- well, knowing about you and your experiences has given me hope that I didn't have before I read your wonderful words.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU.  We absolutely must stick together, all the women on this wonderful site, and the whole wide world.  I have often thought that if the whole world (well, at least part of it) would practice the 12-steps of recovery, the spiritual steps used in Alanon and AA --- well, the world would quickly heal from its spiritual bankruptcy --- for that is what is the problem with the whole wide world --- spiritual bankruptcy --- but there is hope and there are so many wonderful people who have survived and who are willing to share and care with those who still suffer.  THANK YOU SO MUCH, Marg in Montana 

Thank you Montana Lady! I am so happy that by sharing a little of my experience that it has given you hope. So many ladies on here are obviously living with similar pain and problems. You are so right that we need to have support for the rest of our lives. And I agree with you that the 12-step program could help the whole world to live happier lives.

I'm so happy that I stumbled onto this site. I've been feeling somewhat alone and "useless" as I age and your "thank you's" made me feel like I do have a purpose after all. If I can help someone by sharing my experiences, then my suffering hasn't been for nothing.

Alcoholism is so insidious - it permeates the entire family and affects everyone for the rest of their lives, whether or not they recognize it. I don't think my siblings understand as much about alcoholism and how it has affected their lives as I do. They think that when they quit drinking, they solves their problem. But alcoholism goes way beyond the actual act of drinking to excess. It's a whole way of life - of acting and interacting with others. This is why people who have lived with alcoholism seem to attract others like themselves. We all speak the same language and we subconsciously hear this in others.

The issue of boundaries is so profound. I found that reading Adult Children of Alchoholics was so enlightening and described my life exactly. Someone finally understood me. Another author is Melody Beattie - I've forgotten the titles but she has written several books about alcoholism that also helped me immensely. These books were recommended to me by therapists while I was in therapy. And when I say "was in therapy", I have been back many times. It seems I occasionally fall back into the old self-defeating habits and need a "refresher".

Keeping you in my prayers that you will reach out and get that help you need. And as the others say, you are not responsible for how your son acts. It's so hard for we mothers to "let go and let God" with our children. But we have to let go so they can grow up and make their own lives.

Creampuff from Canada.

Feb. 10, 2010:  Hi, again, Creampuff from Canada.  This is Montanaladypoet / Marg in Montana.  Again, thank you for your wise and kind words.  When you said that you were feeling as you age "somewhat alone and useless."  No way!  You are not alone now, and you certainly are not useless.  We all need one another, and we need you.  The problem for me has been in "finding" people (such as on this wonderful site) who are like-hearted and like-minded---women with similar experiences AND WITH SIMILAR STRENGTHS.  We women are so strong, and we really can do wonders for one another.  So please don't feel useless.  And I know what that is like, as I felt that way too, until, as you said, "I stumbled on this site."  It's good to "stumble" onto something good once in a while --- and there are no accidents.  We are all able to be angels to one another, and that is what life is about isn't it? --- an opportunity to make life less difficult for one another.  For sure.  So, again, thank you, and keep sharing your wisdom and kindness on this site and anywhere you can.  You are appreciated, loved and admired, among other good things.  I'm 67, lived alone for many years, and I know what feeling alone and purposeless is like --- but now, thanks to you and others, I'm on an upward path.  Monday I started therapy, after many years away, and the young lady therapist is wonderful --- she is an artist, like me, and we have so many things in common you'd think we were soul sisters!  She says there are good Alanon meetings in this town where we live, and she just knows so much good stuff.  She's a grief therapist!  So many of us have unresolved grief.   I "stumbled" upon her, also, by reading a short article she wrote in the local paper about a suicide survival support group that she holds for free.  She said she was also a licensed therapist, so I called, and wow what a glorious blessing.  I feel like a completely reborn person, and feel that there is hope in life and that there's still time to be a part of bringing heaven down to earth.  If you'd ever like to just share as one woman to another, my email address is:  thetreeswelove@hotmail.com  Please indicate in the subject line, if you write, that you are Creampuff from Canada/Vibrant Nation, then I'll know to open the email and not let it drift off in "spam land."   You are so good.  I can feel it right through the computer screen.  And I don't feel alone tonight.  Please don't you feel alone either!  We always have our Guardian Angels around us, either from the Spirit world, or in this world, and I hear our angels in heaven are so glad if we will ask for their help and appreciate it.  But we must ask for their help, or they won't interfere, unless it's a dire emergency.  Aren't angels wonderful?  Looking forward to knowing you more.     Marg in Montana