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After a 28 year marriage and two years of singlehood I met a wonderful man - funny, smart, sexy, spiritual, economically comfortable, generous - a wonderful man. For two years we've been in a long distance relationship. We talk nearly every night for hours. At 48 he has never been married and actually hasn't been in too many relationships. He works "on the road" and has loved his freedom and the adventures of his work. Right before we met he had a short conversation with God and said he was ready for a woman to come into his life...and I did. So what's the problem? Sometimes our styles are so very different. My ex husband used to lovingly call me the "little general" - when there's something to get done, I put myself in charge and get it done. My new guy is a bit more laid back. "Don't worry. It will work out" he says when I get a little crazed that we haven't quite been able to pin down vacation plans for a month from now and we haven't quite figured out how and when we are going to transition to living together. I of course want to investigate all flight schedules, all hotels, moving companies, sketch out what furniture will fit where (OK -that's an exaggeration). You get the picture. I know this is the give and take of relationships, but I'm having a hard time. I don't even think I'm "right" just different. And all of this is complicated by the fact that he's living in a hotel in Vancouver for the next month, working crazy hours, with limited internet access and I'm just getting more and more frustrated with him and myself. A few words of wisdom? PS - reading back over this I should make clear that I have no doubts about his commitment. Its all in the details.
responses (14)
Well I live on an academic calendar soooo. Let's see we were together for a little over two months when we first started dating (we met when we were both working in Beijing), xmas vacation when we were both back home, all of last summer (neither one of us were working), a month this past December. So a total of nearly 7 months face time and tons and tons of phone time. Funny, we transition from phone time to face time seamlessly. I sometimes can't remember if something happened during phone time or face time.
Oops - thought of some more face time bringing the total to about nine months. Most of that 24/7
I thought I posted this before, but perhaps not. You need to do a throrough background /credit check on him. There is nothing wrong with that in this day and age. It could provide a lot of peace or bring something to your attention that need to be.
Sorry, throrough = thorough. (and I hope that is the correct spelling!)
I get anal about spelling mistakes. I posted something on another message board one time with 2-3 spelling mistakes and I was accused of "drunk posting". Since then...well, you know.
Are you moving at a pace that is too fast for him? I'm wondering if he just needs more time to adapt to the relationship? It sounds like you need more comunication.
Ah, but often, the devil is in the details. I'd say that since the two of you aren't married and aren't likely to be in the same city long enough for that to happen (smile), I wouldn't worry about it. But I would just throw in a teeny tiny word of caution and please don't think I'm throwing a wet blanket over it all.
I recently ended a 5 year relationship with someone who was different than I am and in time, the differences that I thought were just, well, 'differences' became more than annoying. What I originally saw as spontaneity manifested itself in time as poor impulse control; what I saw in the beginning as youthful energy boiled down to an inability to focus and make a decision.
In addition, he worked 100 miles from where we lived and and he is a home contractor, specializing in whole house renovations. This usually meant that he lived in the vacant house where he was working during the week and came home on weekends. Problem was that sometimes he had to skip a weekend here and there and although we talked on the phone four or five times a day, eventually I got tired of having an 'electronic' relationship. He's a good guy, we are still very good friends and sometimes I'm saddened that it didn't work out over the long term, but I'm honestly grateful that we never took the topic of marriage past the talking stage.
The cynical side of me says that a man who has never been married or had a long term relationship by the age of 40 has issues with commitment. As I've been unfortunate enough to be involved with two such creatures back to back, I know a little bit about what I'm talking about. Having said that, however, there are exceptions to every rule and it sounds like you're happy, so in the end, that's all that really matters. Wishing you all the very best! (^_^)
I agree with Five in terms of a red flag regarding the lack of committment in the past, just a cautionary note I guess to be aware...
What are the details? Obviously you are a girl who likes her sandwiches cut in quarters. In case you've never heard that before it just means that you have to know who, what, where, when and maybe why with definite answers. So if your sandwich isn't cut in quarters, it just doesn't taste the same, right? Perhaps now is the time for you to let down your hair and go with the flow. Learning to be impulsive and spontaneous can be so rewarding and fun. Just a suggestion. In my husbands and my relationship he was always the kick back one and I could pack for vacation down to the last toothpick. As the kids got older and they could go with the flow too, I backed off of the planning and organization and a funny thing happened. He rose to the occasion and somehow we met in the middle. Now we are just giddy old folk that have a blast, can be ready for anything on the spur of the moment. So somewhere there is is a balance for you. You need to talk with him about it now.
Communication, communication, communication is key for any long term relationship. I hear you saying you have no doubts about his commitment to the relationship, and relationships do take compromise. So, you may have to ask how much you're willing to compromise; if you're getting 'a little crazed' then that could be a sign of your compromise level. On the other hand if he's willing to 'not worry' because it will all work out, that could show a sign of perhaps a different commitment 'level' than where you are at, or where you are ready to take the relationship, to the next level, he may not be there yet. These sound like very important topics that couples in a healthy relationship would want to talk about. Wishing you positive results.
Joyful,
I believe I understand what you are saying - this relationship is for real, you both just have two different ways of dealing with things. My opinion is to take care of the things that you must - the things that will drive you crazy if you don't do/know - and to learn to ease up on some of the other things. Example: Make a list of where you want to go on vacation, hotels that have what you both want, dates, etc. and then sit down with him and say - here's what we can do - and then decide together. It is a compromise when two people have different ways of doing things. Your guy will have to learn (if he hasn't already!) that you need to do the details and you will learn that details can be done in different ways with different degrees of importance. When we learn to compromise, we learn to care about another a little more than ourselves - and it makes things a whole lot easier! =) It sounds like you've got a good guy there - the best to you both!
I agree with Storytaker here.....it is all about compromise....I have been with someone for 6 years, and we have totally different styles....he is self employed, and very laid back in terms of planning...I am a planner like you are.....interestingly, I have learned to drop some of my obsessive ways and learn to trust that things work out even if there isn't a "plan" i.e. for a vacation etc.....after all, what is the worst thing that can happen if something isn't totally planned out?? Well, the plans just change a little, but probably still will work out...He has actually taught me to be more spontaneous.....and after my initial reluctance, I have to admit it feels good to give up my need for knowing everything ahead of time...and guess what....every once in a while I catch him planning something....I guess I just decided that my great relationship with him was worth giving up some of my control....and choose to not let it bother me....
Thank you all for your thoughts - someone said that they get it that this relationship is for real and it is why I'm willing to do the hard work of examining myself. I think the piece of this that makes me so tired and grumpy is that I feel like I did this work already. Even though my long marriage ended in his fit of mid-life crisis it had been a good marriage with its ups and downs and negotiations. Now starting all over again I feel more like my 25 year old daughter than my friends - almost all of whom are married to the man they started with. He does need to get better at communication. Sometimes it feels like he forgets that his life impacts mine and as I said this is a particularly hard month when his work schedule is so intense and his living situation difficult. But...I also love the work he does. My husband was a lawyer. Nice and steady. Home every night at 6:30 and off to the office every morning. My new guy does freelance work in broadcasting and it is anything but steady. It has also taken us to fun places (San Antonio for New Year's was nice. We contemplated a job in Poland but decided I needed to stay and teach a few more years for financial reasons.) This is not a life I could have done when I was rasing the children but that part of life is done. I think I just need some help making the transition and my feeling is that he is worth the work. As for the warnings about a man who has reached his 40s without marrying...it is something I looked at immediately, but wonder about less and less as I've gotten to know him. Having his heart broken a few times by choosing women who seriously needed rescuing and then left the nice guy who saved them, he protected himself by not getting involved. Being on the road helped. He's stretching me and I'm stretching him and hopefully we'll grow together. I'll keep you posted for sure!
I really do think you are on the right track, level headed and all that....it all is a process, unfortunately, even for a gal my age.....and it seems to me women my age (60) are still a lot more flexible than men in their 60's....When we do talk about this kind of stuff, I think we can both do it with humor and in a receptive way....and it sounds like you are well on you way to understanding him and he you....I think time usually takes care of a lot of adjusting in a more mature relationship.....I too dislike the "starting over" part after 29 years of marriage....but here we are, right...doing the best we can...best wishes to you....
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