debanne, I've been trying to figure out how to respond so that only you see my answer - sometimes we just don't want to bare our souls to God and everybody - I know it can be done because I've gotten private posts...but then, there are a few things I can share with you that may help. Even so, this will be longer than I would like to post (or read) on VN. Sorry. I'm just in the same boat and want to help.
Most of us were taught that if we could identify the problem, then we could formulate a solution. That's partly true, but often even when you know the root cause, it's just another piece of the puzzle. There's learing to cope with it; or trying to get to and accept the root cause (which often requires professional help). The nasty fact is that you ARE depressed or you do have anxiety, or even worse, clinical depression and/or anxiety disorder. The internet is a great place to do some research on which is which and resources for information and help. I am responding as a sufferer, not a professional, so take what I say with that in mind. Generally, I agree with an earlier post. At this point, I don't care what's causing it, I just want it to go away.
As to generally being depressed, pick your crisis and join the crowd. There is everything from grief, loss, divorce, a bad hair day, to facing day after day of television programming aimed at our lowest common denominator, not to mention our country going in the tank. Life ain't for sissies - but it is so precious compared to the alternative. So, yes, sometimes we just have to show up and suit out while we search for the normal happy. If, in fact, depression looms larger, affecting your relationships, your work, and your feeling of worth, it probably won't get better without help. Either way, a good place to start is a good medical exam and frank discussion with your doctor. Sometimes it is something as simple as an inactive thyroid or too much or not enough of some basic vitamin or mineral. Or hypertension which can be a sneaky little devil. Mine is usually normal especially when I'm in the doctor's office, but it spikes in the middle of the night. Took a while to figure that out. It's called episodal BP disorder - usually more commonly occurring when one is confronted by something that scares them or makes them angry. Not me! Mine comes for no reason at all - well, I guess IT has a reason, but I've not been able to tie it to anything cognitive. As others have mentioned, there are mild medications - sometimes we just need enough relief to get back on our feet.
The doctor's first line of defense is usually medication, but as with ALL medication, you must take personal interest and responsibility for how your body reacts. It seems almost everything has one or more side effects today, and some times the cure can be worse than the problem. You can definitely get overmedicated with prescription drugs doing exactly what your doctor(s) recommended. SO, I URGE YOU TO TAKE CARE ABOUT EITHER SELF MEDICATING OR THINKING THERE IS A MAGIC PILL. Read carefully the information the pharmacy provides and watch for any significant change. If a best friend and VN are not enough support, there are support groups, psychologists, and even on-line coaching or counseling. Sometimes it's best not to share all your feelings with anybody who will listen, but this is something you'll have to decide.
As to anxiety - there are anxious moments, fears, phobias, and really debilitating anxiety attacks where you think you're dying and your body actually feels the symptoms. The classic one is thinking you're having a heart attack - you can't breathe, your arms hurt, sometimes numb or tingly, your neck or jaw hurts - everything in your body says lay down and wait for EMS - but in fact something has produced a mega dose of adrenalin (the attack or flee dose) and the quicker you can get to breathing normally and moving, the quicker the symptoms will abate.
Except for the real need to run from a 10 foot grissly bear, your first and best ally is yogic breathing. A good starter is to breathe in deeply through your nose, hold it a few seconds, and let it out slowly through your mouth. Usually, just 4 or 5 will get you back to breathing normally.
Ultimately, if you rule out basic medical reasons that typically result in depression or anxiety, and the support and caring of friends doesn't help, you probably will have to seek cognitive therapy - their words for working through whatever it is with a professional.
Briefly, I'm probably just a little further down the road than you. I live remotely, so it's sort of a self-defeating chore to get to a therapist and I'm still trying to handle it on my on. I know (or think I know) what started it. My husband had an unexpected fatal heart attack; a week later I was diagnosed with breast cancer; and a couple of years later when I though I was getting my life back together, my body decided to rebel. I'd always been healthy, happy, and optimistic, so this was all new to me. I did everything I told you to do - read, understand, talk to friends, get a good medical exam - and I did everything the doctors told me to do. That resulted in being overmedicated. It took two weeks in the hospital and months to get off everything I was being prescribed - which is why I cautioned you to take personal responsibility for medications and their unique affect on you. I had been to the ER a number of times, but once the symptoms were so severe that even they thought I was having a heart attack. In the week I was hospitalized in the cardiac care unit, they ran every appropriate test and a couple that didn't seem related. The day before I was discharged (a slow Easter Sunday), an internist was on duty and everything was so quiet that he told me he was reading patient files out of boredom. He came to my room, introduced himself, told me he was not part of my cardiac team, but that he had been reading my file and it reeked to him of overmedication. He said it happens regularly to those who are, in fact, getting good medical care. He advised me to take all the hospital's records to my primary care physician and tell him of our discussion. That was two years ago. It took months to get OFF all the medications - you can't just stop cold turkey - that, it seems, is more dangerous than continuing to take them. And, lots of blood tests. So, hopefully, you can skip the overmedication senario - just remember, I'm not telling you NOT to follow your doctor's instructions, only to take an active role in your own health care.
Please feel free to communicate with me - I'll gladly share what I've learned - although that may have nothing to do with helping you. You are right about the cost and lack of help for this particular malady which affects so many. I've only found three residential treatment centers that deal with grief, anxiety and depression NOT connected to one or more addictions (alcohol, drugs, etc). They range from $28,000 to $40,000 for a 30-day stay. So, I guess the good news is that what we have is not serious enough to warrant dedicated treatment centers which take insurance; and the bad news is that if you really need intervention help, it's expensive.
But there is always the humurous approach. Having declared that 2010 is my year to conquer this problem, I recently talked to two facilities recommended by my doctor. As to the $40K one in Tucson, I decided I could take the Hillsdale College Around the World Cruise for half the price and enjoy some facinating company. As to the less expensive one in Santa Fe, I decided that I'd rather stay at LaPosada (a 4* boutique spa hotel there) where, for a mere $9000 a month, I could enjoy their wonderful hotel with several massages and spa treatments per day. Or, I could get a hottub for about $5000 and invite my best friends over. Somewhere down that line, there is the help we each need, the trick is just finding it. So, breathe deeply and start looking...and let me know if you find anything that sounds promising.
