Vibrant Nation

family & relationships

I'm consumed with many emotions...a sister needs some hugs!
posted 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I'm sitting here...it's 6am...i've been up since 4ish filled with so many emotions....fear, anxiety, anger etc. I'm going to court for the first time this Tuesday for my divorce. Married almost 25 years....was a stay at home mom during the whole time. I filed for this divorce (addict/alcoholic) and he is filled with rage, anger and lies. The court date is for OSC (order to show cause)for spousal support. He is a dentist (big deal!) but it does matter when it comes to having money and earning capacity. I'll be 57 years young on Valentine's Day :-) ....and he is 52. Yesterday in the mail I got from my attorney, documents that he's been going to the Dr. for back pain, anxiety, high blood pressure. I knew this would happen, that he would make a case of inability to work as much, and I even told my attorney last week that I would not be surprised if he did something like this. He had been eluding to this for years and even threatned me (I have the phone recording for evidence)that he would sell his practice and go work for the prison system, making less money so he doesn't have to give it to me! Interesting though....he plays golf weekly and more. He stated in the papers that I should be working full time and be going to school to get some training. I never went to college (but I'm smarter than him in regards to social skills etc, though he is academic), have not worked outside the home until 2.5 years ago and prior to our marriage in 1984. I'm now a proud nanny for a wonderful family of an adorable 10 mo. baby girl. I love what I do and I'm doing what I love. I have no desire at my age to go back to school...to do what?!!!My STBX is pushing for no spousal at all! I am scared as hismonies that I feel I deserve is definitely needed to live. I only want what is due me, after a long term marriage. Two of our 3 adults kids are still at home with me, 21 y.o. twins who work and go to school full time. They both would love to be out on their own, but don't have the funds to do so at this time. They pay their own way because they understand my financial limitations.

Tuesday, the 2nd, we are going to court. This is my first time in a court room. I am scared, nervous and frankly overwhelmed at the thought that someone has my financial life in their hands. I know that this case will most likely take a lot of money from my (our) portfolio. We tried for the past 3.5 years to talk together and negotiate and got no where. It is entirely impossible to talk with a man who said to me that "I f*@)inghate giving you any money each month"...and to add, he is a chronic (daily) pot smoker and drinker.Time for an attorney and major costs, but I feel is the only way to get what is due me and be done with this. I feel that the attorney that I choose is great...thank goodness, but I can't go to him for the emotional support and every little question or concern.

I'm so sorry this is long. I'd love to hear from any and all who can give a VN sister a hug, some words of advice, positive vibes, books to read,....anything.

(((((((((((((((((((((group hug))))))))))))))))))))....and thank you for reading this. <3

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responses (86)

kgreenwo said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hey Sister.....Since I have no experience in this there's not alot of advice I can give.  But here's my 2 cents.  Be strong, don't back down!  Been thru divorce with one of my best girlfriends and it's a very hard thing to stand up for yourself.  Tuesday won't be the last day (I'm sure if he's such a dick you'll be back again) but use your head and you're going to have to be somewhat of a bitch to protect yourself.  I'm hugging you!!! and I hope you keep us updated so we can send our support your way.....Good luck on Tuesday....stand strong......K

2melifeisgood said to kgreenwo 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you so much K...I'm feeling strong and I too, feel that this is just the beginning of court appearances, which of course equals money!...oh well...I can live very frugally, at least I'm living my mission statement, which is also a tattoo on my leg....TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE! :-)

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moongoddess said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hug, big time from me.  Don't know all the details but do know one thing, I would'nt want a pot smoking dentist to be working on me.  Why don't you just threaten to let the public know along with evidence and proof and I'm sure he'll have to do alot of explaining about substance abuse even in a prison or any other govt. facility he thinks will hire him.  Is he going to claim that illegal drugs are needed for all of his back pain?  The same back he uses to golf with?  What a jerk!.  My opinion and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds.  (special price with breakfast).  Prayors for you.

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2melifeisgood said to moongoddess 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you for your hugs...and prayers.... :-)

FYI: the one place he does not smoke pot in before and during work.....at least while we were together....now ???? Yes.....I guess the back doesn't hurt while playing golf....that's because he's high and feels no pain! ;-)

Tamara said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Oh wow....you will indeed be in my thoughts! I have no legal knowledge whatsoever...but I know there has to be something in favor of a woman who has had the tough role of being a stay at home wife and mother. That is a full time job in and of itself! Your soon to be ex may be able to rant and rave all he wants about how he doesn't want to give you money, but I believe the decision is in the hands of the judge. If he had any sense, and really wanted to not waste money, the two of you should be in mediation, which is, from what I understand, much less expensive. I wish you the very best!

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2melifeisgood said to Tamara 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I checked into mediation...it's not for us....because he doesn't want to talk with me. We'll see what being a SAHM all the year of our marriage enters into this divorce. I'm not counting on anything....just that I'm (almost) free to live my life to the fullest filled with peace, contentment and serenity. :-)

Tamara said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

And that's the most important thing!

Olga said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Been through a divorce after 23 years. Not quite that nasty, but horrible emotionally nonetheless. Lots of hugs. You say you have a good attorney, trust him to do his job.

I know you don't want to lose his money, but he should be reported to the state board of dentistry. He could be a danger to his patients. And, I hate to burst his bubble, but positions such as his in a state or federal government system are subject to random drug testing. He could end up with no job and no license.

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Mimi6 said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Okay...deep breath...everything will be okay!  Years from now you will look back on this time and it will seem like it was lifetimes ago.  Speaking from experience, I came to a place where I was willing to pay the cost to leave my "ideal" husband and the lifestyle that gave me a since of security.  IT WAS SO WORTH IT!  Painful.. yes, freeing..yes.  As far as court...it's not as big a deal as our minds make it...everyone is just doing their job.  As others shared with you, trust your attorney, he knows how the system works, this could go on a long time.  Know when it's time to let go of the fight, for your own sanity.  Enjoy your life...it is not over by any means!  It will be okay.

2melifeisgood said to Mimi6 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you for your words of wisdom...i've read them more than once......

fear of the unknown can be paralyzing  at times, but there will be light at the end of this tunnel...

girlygirl said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I  don't know what state you live in but in California there is a no fault law (I think that is what it is called) and it means that everything is split down the middle financially. I understand how vulnerable you must feel. I have been married for 35 years and was always a stay at home mom. At 57 the thought of trying to find employment would completely overwhelm me. Remember that your contribution to the household was every bit as important as his. You raised HIS kids and ran the home which ENABLED him to be a successful dentist. SHAME on him for trying to weasel out of taking care of you. He wouldn't be where he is today if he hadn't had you to pick up the slack on the other end. As I always try to tell myself, his name might be on the paycheck every month but dammit....you earned it just as much as he did. What a selfish ass. Good luck..hang in there...and don't be intimidated by the judge or attorneys ( I am married to one) If you start feeling intimadated...just picture them naked going potty and it will help you realize that they are human beings too with just as many flaws and issues as the rest of us!!  : )

2melifeisgood said to girlygirl 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

THANK YOU ...THANK YOU....loved your thoughts and i'm going to picture them naked...makes me smile....:-)

BTW: I live in California!

girlygirl said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Well honey if you live in CA your attorney should be able to get you half of everything!!! Be sure to ask him about the no fault law. GOOD LUCK!!! Just keep that picture in your head and keep smiling inside!!!  : )

hilandflwr said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

2melifeisgood, I worked for many years in the California legal system.  Yes, it is scary for someone who isn't used to the "system", but here's my advice--let your attorney do his job.  The system and the process is slow, and you will feel stressed--just know that's how it is and find ways to comfort yourself.  Don't give in--just believe everything will be fine in the end.  California is a community property state.  The biggest problem we encountered in divorce cases was when one partner or the other gave up.  I know it's hard, but believe.

Your comment here saying you wouldn't open correspondence on the weekend is excellent!  Claim divorce-free weekends and do anything that brings you joy or comfort.  The legal jargon is frightening!!  I don't know why it's that way, but it is.  So, on Monday when you open your mail, get your attorney on the phone and ask him what it means and what you need to know in real language.  He has already seen the paperwork.  If he was worried, he'd call you.

Stay as calm as you can in court.  This will help YOU.  Let him dig his own hole, because I know the court doesn't like his kind of behaviour.  Every time he pulls a stunt, picture him hollering his garbage from inside a deep hole....... hmmm........... picture him naked hollering inside that deep hole!!!  I love that visualization!

Whatever you do, do not give up any of your rights or property!!!!!!  Let the court do its work.  Anything you give up on your own is gone, settle in for the long term and find comfort in the fact that partners who act like your husband are trying to make you quit.  Don't quit!  Make him be the ass in front of the court.

Also, have you mentioned the golf to your attorney?  He can subpoena the golf club records. 

Lastly, here's the advice my mother gave me when I went through my divorce--Be happy, even if you have to fake it, show him he doesn't matter to your happiness.  It's the best revenge.

We are here if you need us.  Girlfriends are so necessary, aren't they? 

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hilandflwr said to hilandflwr 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Oh, one more thing, several years ago I had the opportunity to spend time with a therapist who was wonderful!!  He told me this, and I've never forgotten:  "When the world hurts you, it's only fair that you be extra good to yourself."

Be EXTRA good to yourself!

Love and hugs!!

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suz55 said to hilandflwr 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hi, hilandflwr-

What a wonderful thing your therapist told you!  Thank you so much for sharing!  I tend to hurt myself more when the world is hurting me.  Not terribly useful.  I will keep your words in mind, and be extra good to myself now.

Take care, Suz55

GrandmaV said to hilandflwr 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

spectacular advice

Dr.She said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

My heart is with you.  I have not lived the style of life that you have but I wish you well with this and want you to stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. We care and we send you hugs, prayers, love, and good thoughts.

2melifeisgood said to Dr.She 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Dr.She..thank you for heartfelt thoughts....so appreciated....

anir said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hug! Hug! And more Hugs. 

You know what you deserve to get from him!  It is your right!

I am not religious but will definitely be thinking of you on Tuesday.

Take a deep breath and hold your chin up.  If you fall apart in court, that's O.K. too.  You are not alone.  Physically, your lawyer will be with you and in your mind a lot of us out there are also with you.  Our roles as mothers and caregivers are never as taken for granted as during a divorce settlement.  It's as if people think we had it great staying at home and not working.  I have to repeat often that I stayed at home and worked 24/7 he went out and worked a 9 to 5 , evenings and nights off, weekends and yearly vacations.  I'm sure you didn't have any of that while you were raising your kids!  Right?!? 

Remind yourself, you worked hard and deserve your share!

anir

2melifeisgood said to anir 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Anir: thank you for your sage comments....mom's are mom's 24/7...I wouldn't have changed those moments for all the money in the world....

TRACK said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Many hugs hon. Wish I could give you some of my bitch that's in me! Keep all facts and information. Take a deep breath, and let the divorce begin. Fight for yourself, you deserve it! Kiss and hug!

2melifeisgood said to TRACK 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

:-) thank you...

GrandmaV said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

First and formost many hugs to you.  I am not sure if you find it hard to be told you are strong but you sound so strong and that is a blessing.  God is with you and that f.....jerk will pay his dues.  How dare he threaten you all this time and now act on it with his phony health problems.  He makes me sick.  The thing to remember is you may not come out of this as well as you hoped, but you will come out ahead in the long run.  It may take more time but he will go down the tubes and you are climbing a mountain to a much better life.  Hugs and prayers to you and I will keep you in my thoughts all day Tuesday.  I hope you will keep us informed of what is going on and let us be support for you.  Hugs again as you can never get enough of them.

2melifeisgood said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Thank you all soooooo much for taking the time to respond to me. As I'm writing this to you all, I'm sobbing right now just reading them. I'm feeling so out of control and with such a heavy heart....I'm not used to feeling this way. I feel like I don't even know myself right now. Tomorrow is another day and maybe with some much needed sleep, I'm hoping I'll feel better.

Thanks again. I'll let you all know what happens on Tuesday.........

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kgreenwo said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Stand tall girlfriend.  We're with you!!

2melifeisgood said to kgreenwo 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

:-) thank you so much ....

kgreenwo said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Good luck today.  We're sending you strong hugs!!!

GrandmaV said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Big deep breaths between sobs.  Maybe the sobs right now will help you to be stronger on Tuesday.  Hang tight and God Be With You.

Hugs more then you know

2melifeisgood said to GrandmaV 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Crying cleanses my soul! thank you so much for your kind words...

D- said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

BE STRONG, BRAVE, HAPPY SMILE, SHOULDERS BACK---DON'T EVER LET HIM THINK HE HAS THE BEST OF YOU----AFTERWARDS DON'T LET THE ASS LIVE IN YOUR HEAD RENT FREE!~!!!!!! BE HAPPY

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pmc said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

TOMELIFEIS,I hope not the worst thing you ve walked through.

You stbx,may think hes big stuff.But,them golf clubs,have gossip

going around BIGTIME.And he may be one that acted as a fool

at a party?AND his reputation isnt going to have that court room fooled Tues.

For your sake,I hope the attys.& Judge knowes the 2 sides of that coin.

Muchbetter,then he d like.You have my hug,Good luck&GodBless

pmc said to pmc 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

ME AGIN,ABOUT YOUR CHILD CARE JOB.

I wish you well,there aslong as you enjoy.

And I hope ,all of the foolis behavier the boys DAD has

showen them,has them both    take care .And take care MOM.!pm

enjoying new life said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

YOu are telling my current story.  I am in the middle of a nasty divorce with an addict/alcoholic with whom I was married to for 25 years.  He is trying to get disability so he does not have to pay child support.  I have 3 children and 2 are twins.  MySTBX has told me he will waste all of our savings with lawyers fees to insure I will get  nothing.  The courts haven't even awarded me child support yet, the only thing he has to pay is the kids medical insurance.  He didnt even pay that and I had to pay his because I could not afford to let the policy lapse because I am disabled.  My only source of income is a small amount of disability because I was a stay at home mom when I became disabled.  I have totally unfounded criminal assault charges against me because somehow he managed to show some injury to the police and was able to file these charges.  No detectie ever talked to me and they were filed with out my knowing it.  I found out when i got a letter to show up in court.  He claims it happened when we were exchanging children.  Fact is he never ever saw me or the kids that night.  I cant keep him out of my house.  He is claiming I had an affair with my sons friend.  I have NEVER had an affair with anyone (too bad I cant say the same about him)  My adice to you, court is not that bad.  Have faith.  You will have to get out of the fear of financial insecurity to get through this so that he is not controlling you.  That is the point I had to get to.  I have on multiple occassions gotten to the point where I literally have had the change in my purse.   HOwever, it never fails, everytime I get to that point money "falls from the sky".  I overpaid a bill a few months ago and just figured it would stay on as credit until we went through me, but no a $50 check just showed up in the mail.  I had hidden some cash in a medecine box and had taken it all out (or so I thought) and when I went to get more there was a $20.00 bill.  the list goes on.  Until you can get out of financial fear he will control you.  Stand strong.  fight like HELL.  Most of all, be above board in all your actions.  I have already discovered that divorce judges dont like scum bags.   but if you do ANYTHING questionable than the judge will not know who to believe

pmc said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

ENJOYING,WERE DO YOU LIVE. Your story sounds much like that of a friend.

You are here with wounderful women.That will lend a shoulder  an ear etc.

YOU ARE IN MY PREYERS,GOD BLESS,PMC

hilandflwr said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

This is EXCELLENT advice from enjoyingnewlife:  "...if you do ANYTHING questionable then the judge will not know who to believe."

The court system sees all the paperwork and knows the reputation of the attorneys. 

Have faith and be strong.

LadySunshine said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Oh my, 2mylifeis good, just read your post!  If you weren't consumed with emotions, you'd be very abnormal ... or not alive!  I have many, many warm HUGS for you.  I'll be thinking of you all this week ... believe me ... and wondering how you are facing each day!  Keep in touch here.   You may also want to think about finding a local support group of women separated or just going through divorce.  Some hospital have these types of support groups.  Try googling "women support groups <your city name>".  My prayers and best wishes are with you!!!

 

grace said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

take care of him, he must have some brain damage using alcohol and pot. People that use pot or drugs, are very scared people, and in this situation, he needs money for his bad habits, then please ask for advice how to manage a very troubled man, you know that is not a normal person, those men has 2 faces, one inside his family another in the outside world. Please take care, send you a hug. 

enjoying new life said to grace 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

are you NUTS!  I am sorry but....., yes he has brain damage yes he is scared, yes he needs money for his bad habits, and most certainly is a troubled man with 2 faces.  but he has made the choice to not get help for  his addiction and he will take everyone around him down in the process.  melife if NOT responsible for his addition or ILLNESS (I totally understand it is an illness) and deserves to have her own life!!!!  I have a bi-polar addict/alcoholic STBX and I stayed for YEARS understanding he suffered from a 2 different illnesses.  but it got to the point where he was destroying my life and his children's.  I have a mildly bi-polar child.  I watch and my heart aches when he has an episode.  Not because of what it does to himself, but what it does to everyone in his path.  right now is only his parents and siblings that see it, but I know it someday will be a wife and children.  And frankly if he had alot of these episodes I would not wish them on anyone.  His manic episodes are much like an addict/alcoholic and the rage they do.  This is my own son, and much to my dismay if my someday grandchildren were subjected to an addict/alcoholic I would hope my daughter in-law would remoe them from it.  If I can say that about my own child, you know I know the heart ache of living with an addict/alcoholic.

2melifeisgood said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you for your support and understanding.."he has made the choice to not get help for  his addiction and he will take everyone around him down in the process.  melife if NOT responsible for his addition or ILLNESS (I totally understand...d it is an illness) and deserves to have her own life!!!! "

AMEN!!!

I'm sorry that you are going through hard times too...HUGS TO YOU....

enjoying new life said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

i just got an email from my stbx telling me that if i did not sign certain papers in his favor that he will hurt me, everyone else around me and himself on his way down... try that one on for size to anyone that thinks we need to "take care of these men"

hilandflwr said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

enjoyingnewlife, If you have an attorny, share the email from your stbx.  It sounds like a threat to me, and I suspect your attorney will advise you to report this threat to the police.  Be careful and be safe.

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enjoying new life said to hilandflwr 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I forwarded the email to the DA office, my attorney, and the domestic violence group in my area.  Can you believe I can not get a restraining or protective order?? Even though my house has been ransacked.  The attorneys office called the police when he was "banging down my door", and I left with police escort 6 months ago.  I always trusted the system, BUT NOT ANY MORE.    In addition he somehow (I have no idea how) managed to get a police officer to believe I physically hurt him (which I have NEVER DONE) and on a day I never saw him.  Even though I have given the DA's office mounds of paperwork including 911 tapes I copies of police reports ++++ I cant get the charges dropped.  no one even discussed them with me before they were filed.

grace said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I dont speak english well, sorry I mean to say that you protect yourself because he is dangerous, dear enjoying, I speak spanish, english is my second language, again I am sorry , but my mistake give you another perspective, please laugh about my horrible english, big hugs for you,

kgreenwo said to grace 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

huh?

2melifeisgood said to grace 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Thank you for your hug....and thoughts even if I don't agree.

GrandmaV said to grace 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Are you kidding!  The hell with taking care of him.  She has done more then her time and he deserves to go down the road he is choosing with his addictions and she has no control over that and should not worry about it at all.  She has enough to worry about with her own self and her children.  As you can figure he most likely gives a crap about his children or he would not be such a jerk trying to get away with the things he is trying.  She needs not to worry at all about him.  If you have worried about someone like this I feel for you.

 

hilandflwr said to GrandmaV 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I agree, when he chose his road he chose to go alone.  Right now 2melifeisgood needs to take care of herself and her children.

TRACK said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Thought I come by to give you a couple of HUGS!!! :-))

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2melifeisgood said to TRACK 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

.........thank you so much....can't have too many! :-)

girlygirl said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hope you are hanging in there. I also hope you have a circle of girlfriends to give you love and support. Girlfriends can be such a source of strength during times of despair...don't be afraid to reach out. Sending good thoughts your way.

2melifeisgood said to girlygirl 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I could not agree with you more! I'm just trying not to burn 'em out and besides I tend to take a "be strong...I can take care of this" attitude. Thank you for your support!

pmc said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

2melifeis,I know you must be on edge,tonight.

By chance are the boys going with you?

If not I am thinking about you.YOU ARE IN MY PREYERS.

good luck.GOd Bless.

If ever a JOKER,NEEDED TO BE CAUGHTUP WITH ,it s him.

Where do you live ?

You take care.KEEP US UPDATED.PMC 2 -01 -10

2melifeisgood said to pmc 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you for your thoughts and prayers.... I live in So. California....

2melifeisgood said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

To all of you who have taken the time out of your busy days to respond to me.....I'm hugging you all...each and everyone of you....and thanking you so much from the bottom of my heart..... <3

Another bomb hit over the week-end...(i do believe that these are all tests and GOD doesn't give more than we/I can handle!). I won't bore you all with the details, but his/atty response to my court order is filled with lies and inaccuraties, which my attorney has already addressed. I made myself a promise that if I get mail from/regardng this divorce on Saturdays I won't open it until Monday, when I can call my attorney. I was a basket case trying to understand the motion. of course the tears didn't help.  Lesson learned! :-) Yea for me!

I'm am going to photo copy all of your responses tonight and have them in my brief case tomorrow, so when I need a hug, I'll be able to read all your wonderful thoughts. 

I'll let you all know how things go tomorrow......what an amazing group of  loving, caring and supportive women............((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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enjoying new life said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

LOL!!!!! I have a rule... deal with no divorce stuff on a saturday (i day off a week) and open no emails from stbx  AND lawyer 2 hours b4 bed.   beware of lawyer emails...they could have stuff that will make you NUTS that has been forwarded from his attorney to  yours....  i can deal with divorce stuff on a sunday because i am always stronger after church, but by saturday I am just beat up emotionally.  If you believe in GOD. PRAY PRAy PRAY   good luck and keep in touch.  let us know how court wentkeep in touch. 

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2melifeisgood said to enjoying new life 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Good rule huh?!!! Yep...all that "stuff" in jargon that I hardly understand drives me C*r*a*z*y! My high power gives me strength and courage. Thank you....

Sunblossom said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Well, I'll respond, perhaps you will get it before you go to court, as I am on the East Coast, but I was in court with my ex, and I just made up my mind I was going to go in there cool, calm, collected and right.....he was all flustered, grasping at straws to make his point, and I stated myself simply, clearly and to the point....no finger pointing or getting down to his level.....and it did work....I found for the most part the courts were very fair.  The judges can usually see through the bluffing and attempts to "get out" of paying money or taking care of obligations because of so called back trouble....the judges have been around the block more than once...My ex is an MD.  Good luck, and let us know how things go.

TRACK said to Sunblossom 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Glad for you.

hilandflwr said to Sunblossom 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Sunblossom, this is exactly how I survived court appearances too.  I dressed professionally, and simply stated my side and watched while my ex tried accusations, lies, and when that didn't appear to be working he switched to his "good buddy" act.  It was very difficult for me to sit there calmly through his act.  But, after listening to all that, the judge told him he did not negotiate in good faith and gave him ALL our outstanding bills plus everything I had asked for, which wasn't everything.  I tried to be fair, but he wanted to "bury me" (his words).  So, being honest is the best policy.  Plus, more importantly, I can live with myself happily.

My divorce finalized in Santa Barbara County.

Sunblossom said to hilandflwr 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Good for you....I would say taking the high road works most of the time, and if it doesn't work, then at least we can keep our integrity intact. (I will admit though some of these guys know just what buttons to push to make us lose our cool!)

ladydragonfly said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

hugging you very tight right now .... you will be fine and find yourself in the meantime

maggilicutty said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Just remember that what you are doing is a very brave thing. The coyrts aren't blind to ploys such as your husband's. They will lookm at his earnings and will be suspicious that he is earning so little in time for a divorse.

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2melifeisgood said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

to all my VN sisters......

First of all...I woke in the middle of the night....anxious...but thought of you all and truly felt better. Today went so much better than I expected. Not in the sense of accomplishment, but how I felt about myself.

As far as the case....afte spending 10 minutes before the judge, the response papers were not submitted by my STBX/ATTORNEY in a timely manner, so the judge postponed our case until April 7th....My attorney has already asked the judge to require my X to pay for the costs for today as it was their fault and a waste of time. I'm ok and my atty. felt this action will only be in my favor and we'll get through it.

After driving/finding and seeing what happens in court....my anxiety lifted. It was the fear of the unknown and whatever happens....will...but I have control over MY life and my attitude.

Thanks again to all, who reached out to me. Your prayers, hugs, love and support meant so much.

((((((((((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))))

anir said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hi 2melifeisgood,

Good going!  You held yourself together and are now proud of yourself I am sure! You deserve to be proud! Good for you for having chosen a great attorney.  He seems to know his job well.  It's only a few more months away and it does seem that your exs' attorneys' actions will play in your favor.  If you're keeping score, 1 for you,  0 for him.  Good job!!!!

In any case, don't forget you will remain well supported here I am sure.

Hold tight and keep in touch!

anir

LadySunshine said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Well done!  Will be thinking of you and ((( hugs ))) to you.  Although I'm long-time married and never experienced divorce, I sure know what it means to TAKE EACH DAY AS IT COMES.  May God watch over you.

 

GrandmaV said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Great going and I am so happy for you.  Keep a positive mindset and God will help you no matter what the situation is.  Pray for guidance as well as look here for us to be there for you.  We/I will always be here and can be available at any time of day or night.  Love and Hugs to you and your kids.

girlygirl said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Soooooo....didja picture them naked as the day they were born???  : ) It really can cut the tension!!! I am so glad things went as well as they did. You are right...it is the fear of the unknown that is what causes so much of the anxiety. NOW you have been thru it, survived it, understand the process better and will be much more relaxed and prepared for the next round!!! You should feel very proud of yourself...baby steps but each baby step eventually gets you through the process!!!!BTW...I also live in SO Cal! Hang in there and keep us posted!!!!

pmc said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

THAT NEWS makes my day! Anyone knowes no one can say DIVORCE IS FUN.

yOU CAN BE PROUD OF YOURSELF~~~~  IM PROUD OF YOU!

DID YOU SONS GO ALONG?

YOU HAVE MYBACKUP IN APRIL,JUST AS FOR YESTERDAY.You ll be in our preyers,pmc

pmc said to pmc 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Nice many are giving you suport.NOT JUST BEING NOSIE.

These are a group of fine women. nice we have sisters like them.

GODBless everyone.

kgreenwo said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

So happy that you're feeling better about everything!!  Now, you know that since you got over that little hurdle you can take on all the rest....Good luck.....K

hilandflwr said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

You have an excellent attorney!  I'm so glad this day went well for you.  Keep up what you're doing and remember to be extra good to yourself.

Hugs and more hugs!!!

2melifeisgood said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

OH MY GOSH.....I wish I could give each and everyone of you a big hug. You all are like the sisters I never had....each one of you who have opened their hearts to me with kindness and support.

THANK YOU just doesn't seem enough...but hopefuly you know how much your support means to me and without a doubt helped get me through a very rough day.......

You can bet I am going to copy this in its entirety and will never forget you all.

I'll keep you all posted for PART 2....April 7th...

Hugs ..........

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MaryRita said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

My heart goes out to you along with huge hugs. I've been through 2 divorces and walked away with nothing except child support from the first for our two children. I am now married for almost 17 years to my high school sweetheart, whom I should have married to begin with. I am so very blessed, I know because at almost 55 and disabled, life could be so much worse for me. He has stuck by me through thick and thin. 

By the way, don't back down, like I did. Stand up for what you deserve. You weren't "not working" all those years. If he had to pay you for your work at home, he'd have been broke years ago! Stay at home moms are doing the most difficult and rewarding (non-monetarily) job on this planet. Don't discount that and don't let anyone else discount it. 

Feel free to email me anytime you need to talk. I can even give you my phone number if you need to hear a friendly voice. Hang in there, Sister!

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Lisa Gioia-Acres said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I will send good thoughts your way.  So sorry you are going through such a traumatic life experience.  Wasn't it supposed to be easier, calmer, more secure at this time in our lives.  Sounds like your soon-to-be ex does not know how to accept personal responsibility.  Stay strong!

Marnie B said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Oh boy.  Stick to your guns.  If you don't have a female lawyer, consider getting one.  If this is not possible or doable at this point, keep the faith because it sounds like you are in the right.  Don't be worried about the courtroom, be yourself and tell the truth and the judge will see your side if he or she understands life at all.  As far as emotional support is concerned, look around in your community for a women's group, church, synagogue, anything at all really.   Chances are, more than one woman in the group has been where you are even if its a knitting class!  It is hard to take charge when so much of your life both emotional and financial has been tied up with someone else.  However, this is the time to do it.  Feel liberated and empowered and take no prisoners girlfriend.  Best of luck to you!   M.

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baybah said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I just got served yesterday after 27 years. 24 years stay at home mom and wife .That was the agreement and yeah my hubby is yelling no support too.I'm in California. I just got started on this. But I found me a cute little house to live in with my animals and for once in 27 years I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME PEACE OF MIND _ YAHOO. Right now I am going to consintrate on me. You will be fine in that court. They are people just like you and judges are not stupid. Your going to be ALRIGHT. I just told Jesus He knows more than I do so He will have to take care of all this. And yeah you do need people now.One  thing I do is I don't get mad and upset. That drives him nuts. So from the not so sunny state of California right now comes a big I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING AND GOING THROUGH. YOU ARE NOT NUTS OR WORTHLESS. HE IS NOT BEING A MAN HE IS BEING A CHICKEN LITTLE. AND HERE COMES A GREAT BIG CYBER HUG JUST FOR YOU. I'm envious. I'd love to have a 10 month baby girl to play with and she thinks you are better than her baba.Please don't be so angry, that lets him win (and Satan too) Letting him get you so fearful and angry is letting him win and take your peace away.Don't let him have that power. Hold that little girl, put a smile on your face and take YOUR peace back. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE ANY POWER OVER YOU> He talks mean turn around and walk away or hang up on him. YOU BE STRONG! You have kids who love you. My two daughters have taken his side and have told me they hate me and I'm not their mom. That hurts.But they can not take away the love of God and they can not have my peace. YOU HAVE POWER - USE IT! Smile and drive him nuts. YOU WILL BE FINE. I just sent a prayer out for you and Jesus is working on it right now.Tomorrow get that smile going. I think my husband was mad that I didn't fall apart when I was served. I just took the papers and threw them on the counter and continued with what I was doing. I didn't cry or get mad. He was looking at me like I was an alien. But I was having fun doing something and I WAS NOT GOING TO LET HIM WIN BY FALLING APART OR GETTING MAD AND LET HIM TAKE MY JOY! That was MY JOY - HE CAN NOT HAVE IT!  Here comes another hug from me and Jesus

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Marjorie Claire said to baybah 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

i am curious why was your almost ex there while you were being served with divorce papers?  not that it is any of my business.   plus i think your encouragement is right on.

 

TRACK said to baybah 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

When your children don't understand and you will not let them undermine your worth to yourself, you did yourself a favor. Love them but live your life. In due time they will understand or remain the same, but you do not have the time to let them manipulate you to their way and calling. Hopeing it never happens to them!

DebB said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

 Hi Sister:  A friend sent me this when i was going thru a really rough time, it helped me and so i pass it on...hope it helps you to....


A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.

As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.' 'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'
What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married?

Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.                         BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.  Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!  The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.  Every day, we need each other still.                                                                     From: DebB ♥☺

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r.avento said to DebB 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

OH I don't have a printer, I would love to print this and send it to all the females in my life. Would you be kind enough to print it an mail me a copy? Robin Avento 210 Pleasant Street Athens, PA 18810. Thank you in advance .

2melifeisgood said to DebB 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

DebB.....THANK YOU so much for this wonderful reminder on the eve of my 57th birthday! Oh how I loved reading this, with tears...of course, and surely I'll print it and pass it on to the  wonderful women in my llife, who have loved and supported me unconditionally.

<3 and hugs to you....

r.avento said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

Hang in there, remember every dog has it's day and he get his. I wish Iwas next to u right now and give you and great big hug.

2melifeisgood said to r.avento 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

thank you for you support and hugs....can't have too many!

back at ya girlfriend.....(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

grace said to 2melifeisgood 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

well if I made mistakes in english, please tell me again are you nuts!!!!!... well sometimes not always. Well I had the same couple, I mean, the same type of man in my life addict-alcoholic, it was a roller coster, he was so weak that my psycotherapist told me, I cannot help him, he is very ill, almost psycotic, and listen what he told me: Grace, is very dangerous for you to stay, your old son could have some damage because all this situations, please get out before the boat sinks, I have been inloved with him until now, and look at me, I have been 20 years living by myself, happy very happy, but I am always in contact with him, asking my son and daughter to respect their parent, to help him if he needed something, Am I nuts... no!!! I could not cope alone with education, sometimes I call him, because he is not all day sick, he loves her children and he is sorry for his mistakes twenty years after, and I am not God to have the rigth to forgive, I have made the mistake to choose him as my couple, he was weaker than me, please take my advice, never but never let your children feel bad about their father, they are adults, they can choose to love him, eventhough he was not a good man for you, you are going to divorce not your children, be prudent it is your family that will loose a member, nobody will care, only think your family comes first, take care of your possessions, but the most important thing is that you want to stop the pain, and you deserve it, but be prudent, do not make your husband your enemy, NEVER, try to negociate with him, you need him as your children's father, stay calm, and do what is the best for your family a legal separation, wait for divorce, sorry to say this but you have a duty, and that is your adult children future, dont mess things because of money, think DO NOT MAKE YOUR HUSBAND AN ENEMY, a big hug my dear friend.

minney47 said to grace 01/30/2010, 02:49PM new!

I wish u all the best,get all u can ,keep ur head high,and remember this behind every successful man is damn good hard working woman!  Go for the gusto and get what u deserve,,I cant imagine what ur going thru,,I myself have celebrated 37 years today<<<Being a stay home mom until 8 years ago ,, to be a keeper a mother a doctor,a lover,,a cook, a cleaner. a nurse, a mentor and a wife to have him not acknowdlege u worth in this years ofmarriage poo poo on him,,He'll get his!!!!! Hugs

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