Vibrant Nation

What your child needs right now is your unconditional love and acceptance. Talk to him, ask questions, let him know you love him no matter what. Your son has to lead the life that makes him happy, not the life that makes you happy. He is still your son, he is the person you have loved for all those 20 years, he just happens to be gay.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!!!  I too had the "guilts" when we found out.   My son had been doing very well with "hiding it", and when I found out it was in the mid-80s when AIDS was rampant (not that it's not now, but at least they have some control of it now), and I literally cried for 3 months afraid that he would catch AIDS and die.  I loved my son.  I sent him to a Psychiatrist.  Well, the psychiatrist did us ( my husband and I) as much good as for my son.  When he talked to us, the comment he made that I most remember was that what we as "straights" understand is mostly charactures of what gays REALLY ARE.  My son is now over 40 has had the virus for MANY years, has been through cancer treatment, etc., etc.  At one point he was a meth addict.  He is extremely intelligent, BUT he was kept in the "dummy" classes because he didn't do his homework - - he was also dyslexic and hyperactive - just enough the teachers said he "talked too much".  Because of this felt "out of place" etc., etc., etc.

Having had 20 years of "experience" with the gay community, I laud you for your comment to your son.  He IS your son and always will be.   He certainly NEEDS your love and support now.  That's one thing my son had all his life and I think has made a difference to him.  Gays are not as "different" as the rest of the world likes to think.  They want love and companionship just like we do.    They have hopes and dreams.   I've seen so many young people thrown out of their homes, (justifying their fear of "coming out") with no where to go, and end up on the streets.  (And we wonder how they get a "reputation"?  They must survive on their own.  TO me I believe so called "Christians" are being just as sinful in doing that as anything they can acuse the gay person of.  (Sorry, but that's my opinion.)

I agree with Catharine - - PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE his being gay with his being a pediphile.  That is one of the BIGGEST MISTAKES made to vilify and castigate gay people.   Believe me I know exactly what the Bible says about gays, etc., etc., adnauseum.  I've heard it all.  When I hear it I would like to have them talk to my son.  He was raised in the church and is one of the most "believing" people I know.  When I was young, there was as much "preaching" and all that stuff about unwed mothers, etc., etc.  Yes, I still believe it is incorrect and not to be accepted (although it is around the world).  What keeps me going ?????  The God I believe in is a forgiving GOD.  Yes he is judgemental in some ways, because it's best for US.  Do we as humans allow our children to run rampant??  (Opps - some people do.  If we do it'll bite us in the backside later on.)  No, we usually correct them, to show them they could get hurt not following the rules.

I could go on and on (not that I haven't) but if you would like to talk with me more, give me your email and I write you more.

GOd Bless and Keep the Faith.

Lynn

I'm sure it's a shock, but it's still new, you will get used to it.  My parents did.

My gay brother once told me, "If gay people were purple (so you could see them), you would be shocked!"  There is a whole world of non-pedophile, successful, healthy, happy, normal gay people.

What hurts the most?  Finding out he is gay, or finding out from someone else?   There seeems to be a lot of questions going through your mind at the moment.  O.K.  He's gay.  This is who is.  He has a lot of challenges ahead of him.  His whole life and the fact that there are still a lot of people out there who do not accept people who have a different sexual orientation than them. 

In the past, what were your thoughts about gay people?  What kind of coments would you make about homosexuals when he was around?  If I say in the past it, is because I find that our attitudes, beliefs, whatever you want to call them, can change.  Just think of the world as a whole in the acceptence of the fact that some people are gay.  Think 30 years ago.   Acceptance was not there.  Now, we accept the differences in us as humans.  This is nature.  Gay people have always existed.   It is part of their being, it cannot be changed.  It' not as if they chose to be gay, even though some people today still believe that  it is a choice they made.  It's not. 

I don't fully understand why some people are gay, but then why should I?  It's like trying to understand a lot of things that are just part of nature.

It's great that you called your son.  That took a lot of courage.  You seem to be a wonderful mother and to love your son deeply.  This is what he will always really need, your love.   The rest will come on it's own.

I can relate up to a certain point.  I also have a 20 year old son who is gay.  He just confirmed it a few weeks ago.  If I say confirmed, it is because he was having quite a struggle with it.  Everything seems black and white to a heterosexual person, but for a person who is gay,  it is often hard.  I was not shocked as you were because we had a few discussions before about his being gay, bysexual or strait.  I have always been open about the fact that I love him and accept him for who he is as long as he is happy.  

Like a lot of people,  I am hoping that society will evolve even more in the fact that people are people whatever their lifestyle.  As long as they are good, honest and loving.

This is what we need in the world today, more Love.

So take a deep breath and love your son as I know only a mother can! 

anir

Its understandable youd be overwelmed,and all you mentioned.BUT,dont love any of your

childrenCONDISHIONLY.Wed like our thaughts to be that of others.B-u-t,they have a right to

their thaughts too. I worked with a gay guy,& 2 gay gals.THEY DONE THEIR WORK&WENT THEIR WAY.

AND I WENT MINE.They were kind,& HELPFUL.

I am a lesbian and am frankly worried for your SON!  I am proud of him for coming out but he needs to GET out of your toxic environment.  There is nothing wrong with him being gay - he was born that way!  For you to even think about being paranoid about your son being around the 2-year-old is incomprehensible to me.  My god!  You need some serious education.  Try attending a PFLAG meeting (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) - I'm sure there is one in your area.  Give your son the unconditional love he desperately deserves. 

I'm so happy that you were able to tell him its ok, in the middle of your mixed feelings. So many kids commit suicide because there parents reject them.  A mother will always give unconditional love and thats how it should be. Never keep your oldest son away from your baby boy. When you get comfortable that you son is gay people will then calm down themselves but if anyone family member says anything stupid and you know there will always be someone in the family to make stupid remarks, defend him with all your might.

You will be fine. enjoy your family.

i think you are confusing homosexuality with pedophilia.  Your young son is completely safe, one has nothing to do with the other.  In this venue you will hear all kinds of opinions, and they are just that, opinions, some good, some harsh, some plain rude.... take in the good advice and discard the bad and angry ones.  Good luck and be happy... being gay is not the end of the world. 

Hi Worried:   I just got back to this thread.   I am so sorry my first sentence in response to you sounded so off.  I certainly didn't mean it to.  Considering that I have gay and lesbian members in my family, being gay is such a non issue for me.   So I responded the way I did without intent of being unkind.

Either way, please accept my apology if in the moment that was difficult for you, I responded inappropriately.

Best best to you, in growing in this new and unexpected journey in your life.

I've been thinking about you.  True, you won't have a daughter-in-law, but you may have a wonderful son-in-law (Well, only "in-law" if we finally wake up and give our gay/lesbian brothers and sisters equal rights, but you get what I mean).  And you may have grandchildren. I know many same sex couples who have children. Just know that we're with you in your struggle.  Parenting is not easy - straight or gay!

So..who cares..if he was a murderer,,you would still love him,,wouldnt you...Life is too short to worry about things...Hugs

I too am shocked that you said that about him being around your other child..but getting past that You need to get over it, he is your son your flesh & blood and he needs your support & acceptance MORE than anything right now, I can see why you were left in the closet ...cause of how you are acting here online so i can just imagine how he felt about telling you! i would suggest that you get to know more about the lifetsyle of gays and that this sexual prefernce  is from birth my dear i believe cause No person would want to subject themselves to the predijice that they get from strangers as well as family, imo  the egg slipt and got crossed during conception somehow so dont blame yourself either BUT DO be there for HIm with OPEN HEART & ARMS and he is not a pediphile and doesnt have urges for little children he is Just gay !! be his mom his main supporter and to heck what others think you as a black women  of all things Knowing how race affects some peoples lives ...should not be judging your son cause he is Gay, embrace him and all will be fine ! good luck and dont waste no precious moments due to your lack of understanding please !

Second thought --

Maybe you want to go to therapy about your attitude that gay equals child molester.

That's not good for either son or you.

I wonder why you sister didn't wait for him to tell you.

Oops....I pressed on the "Love this!" by mistake....

but I do think you can get through anything with enough Love! 

Hello VB, friends, I want to let all of you know that i am at peace. I talked to you guys, PFLAG, my son my neighbors and GOD. I love my son, I love who he is. I love the young man he has become. I am proud of him. As long as he is happy i am happy. I have also talked to his mate a very nice young man, whose parents support him as well. They are going to come across people in this world who are not going to like them. So they do not need they're parents against them. I am in protective mode!!!!! I want to thank everyone who replied to my post, the good and the bad. It has helped me grow as a mom and a person. By the way my baby will be spending spring break with his big brother and i will finally take a much needed vacation. Signed KNOW LONGER WORRIED

One of my best friends was gay. He was one of the most talented, charismatic men I have ever known and I still get teary eyed when I think of his death. He committed suicide at 36 years old. One of his biggest issues was the rejection of his parents. They shut him out completely. I wonder if they knew how much agony that created in him. He could not come to terms with their refusal to acknowledge him after he "came out". They did not know the man that I knew: Funny, warm, creative, articulate, emotional, highly intelligent and acutely sensitive. No, he was not your average all American macho man. He was incredibly lovable and I could not understand why his parents would refuse to see the man that I saw. The pain of it killed him. I would ask you to make a list of all the things you loved about your son before you found out he was gay. He is still that person. His sexual preferences are really none of your concern for heavens sake, YOU are his Mother! Love him for being the wonderful son that he has always been. By accepting him unconditionally, you will teach your other children the valuable lesson of tolerance and the power of love. Your son is not a pedophile, so there is no reason at all to distance him from his brothers and sisters. Please, just accept and love him as he is, that is all he wants from you.

Hi.  I would seriously stop worrying.  Your son is fine.  Just be his mother and support him and his choices.  I agree with the others, let him be the person he is and pursue his own life.  He is an adult not a baby; that is the lesson I had to learn and it is difficult at best.  My son is currently living at home.  I have more problems with his general life choices than his being gay.  I have known my son was gay since he was four years old.  Unlike some of my family members, I didn't punish him and I didn't try to force him to be straight.  His life, his choices.  I accepted him for the person he became and as he has grown up; admired him.  He is strong in his convictions and his beliefs and he doesn't force them on others.  I'm very proud of my son and his accomplishments in his life.