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Autumn
Backstabbing in the workplace
posted 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Anybody else have this problem?  How do you handle these things and still keep you're job?

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responses (12)

OldBlonde's avatar OldBlonde
OldBlonde said to Autumn 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

I've had that problem.  My way to handle it was to ask the person I knew who was talking badly about me to join me in a private room.  At first she said "no" because she said she was too busy.  I told her I'd wait even if I had to stay at work late.  I made certain that nobody heard me ask her.  Finally, when she realized that I wasn't going to drop it and just leave, she made the time to join me privately.

I told her that while I didn't care if she liked me or not, I would appreciate it if any problem she has with me to be brought to me in person.  I told her that talking behind my back was not the best way to handle it.  Then I asked her what were the problems she had with me.  Boy did she try to back peddle.

She struggled to come up with something but eventually said that I work too slowly.  I agreed with her.  (That shocked her.)  ThenI explained that I was new to the job (I'd been there 7 weeks and she's been there 3 years) and was still learning.  I said I realized that I moved more slowly than she did but I was striving to get better.  And, rather than talk about me behind my back, I'd appreciate it if she'd just come to me and offer to help me improve my skills or suggest another way.  At that point, she said that she was sorry, that she didn't realize I was so new and she'd try to help me whenever she could.

The key is to not raise your voice, stay calm, not use a tone that puts them on the defense, keep good eye contact and don't do any name calling (even if she does it to you).   Just be very matter of fact.

By handling it myself, I was able to continue working, improving and kept the respect of my coworkers for not stooping to her level.  I hope she learned something from that experience.  She's younger than my youngest child and from another culture.  Perhaps that's the way they do things in her country.

One last thing.  I must admit that I am a very confident person.  It showed in my demeanor.  I wasn't uppity, but I wasn't going to roll over and play dead either.

Stick up for yourself, politely.  If that doesn't work, take it to the next level.  Good Luck!

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Evie's avatar Evie
Evie said to OldBlonde 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Great advice!

Nic8825's avatar Nic8825
Nic8825 said to OldBlonde 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Kudos to you for handling a arresting a situation that could have snowballed.

I am currently in a similar situation where one individual appears to hate my guts for whatever reason she created in her mind.  Unfortunately I had to spend some time with her, one whole week, to learn what she does as we may have to fill in.  Well she did not want me there, the first day she says to me "Dont ask any questions, just observe"  Well how am I going to learn if I dont ask questions. However by the next day I had saved some questions her reply was always "I dont know why, I just mix the drugs and give them to you nurses to pass out"  or "I dont make the rules, I just do what they tell me to do" 

I finally landed my Nursing dream job and this jerk is going to try and spoil it for me, I dont think so.....She also is always giving me orders when no one else is looking and then changes things. Ex:

"Keep the chemo drugs in the basket"  Last week, "take the chemo drugs out of the basket because in season I may need all the baskets"

One day she let me have it because I brought a patient in early.I had been told by her that I should not bring a patient in before 1:00pm because from 12:30 to 1:00 is when she opens up the stock she received and puts it away.  I brought a patient in at 1:10pm the patient's apt was for 1:30pm but I had a bigh afternoon lined up so I just wanted to get going and was glad that my patient was a little early.  When I put the order in for the drugs, she again let me have it.

Well I talked to my partner about it and I decided that this had gone on too long, my partner was so mad that she went and talked to her and to the clinical manager about it. I then decided to talk to my manager also (who is friendly with this gal) what a chance I was taking but this was inappropriate behaviour and if allowed to continue would end up in a disaster.  I told my clinical manager that this girl was Harrassing me since I started there  and everyonbe else had made me feel so welcome except her.  She assured me that she would talk to her.  She did.

Things are a little better and I think she is being very careful and ignores me for the most part.  I find it sad because I am a very pleasant positive person, so her loss, but it does create an unpleasant atmosphere at times.  I just ignore her now and have decided that she is not going to spoil this for me.

If she harrasses me again, I will take it up further, I will not lower myself to entertain a confrontation with her.  Ah yes even at my age 59 workplace can still be catty, how unfortunate.

Any thoughts anybody?

 

rose 6's avatar rose 6
rose 6 said to OldBlonde 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

I totally agree with your approach.  When I have a coworker who constantly shows dislike for me I "kill them with kindness".  It usually works and it's good to take the high road. 

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Lynnette's avatar Lynnette
Lynnette said to OldBlonde 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

wow, way to go.... i admire your strengths i would of not been so smooooooooth.  That's just not me.  But surely admire your way of handling it.

dynamomma's avatar dynamomma
dynamomma said to Autumn 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Everyone in our office knew that I was being backstabbed by this certain person.  So the next time he came into the office I said in clear hearing of all "hey _ _ _ I heard that I did something to piss you off.  Is that true?"  He back peddled, stammered and under his breath denied that we had a problem, turned and walked out of the office.  I was nice and professional about it.  He never talked about me in a negative way again.

stjerome's avatar stjerome
stjerome said to dynamomma 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Like dynamomma, many of my co-workers knew about backstabbing by another staff member who didn't like decisions I made as his boss. Several came to me on their own at different times to complain about how he treated them, but when it came to me addressing their concerns with him, they attended the meetings but soft-pedaled the problem, even praising him at times. For years I told a succession of my own supervisors that I feared he was undercutting my authority and "getting to" new workers before they had a chance to judge me on my merits. I was consistently told there was no way he could undercut me and not to worry about it. Well, the most recent in that succession of supervisors (in charge of the whole building) became best buds with the guy and after several months of ridicule and denial (that it had anything to do with his new "friend") he fired me. I wish I could say I had a better ending to share, except that I have a lot of support from friends and family and I will survive, but at our age that doesn't necessarily mean I'll find a good new job in this economy.

MusicalMom's avatar MusicalMo…
MusicalMom said to stjerome 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Well, sadly, direct approaches do not always work out, as you've found out.

My husband has experienced this on several jobs in one way or another. He has a very calm demeanor and just does his job, so it makes some feel like he isn't one of the "buds", etcetc. 

As I've told him MANY MANY times, the first thing you need to do is DOCUMENT what is going on. That means yes, make a list with dates, times, place, person and incident.  When you come to a supervisor armed with specifics, they are more likely to listen to you.

I loved Notabby's post.  I am so glad she stood up for herself. But the fact is that it doesn't work for everyone.  inner-office established friendships, even someone knowing something the boss doesn't want everyone else to know, can affect the outcome.

I'd try the direct approach first, but if someone feels like you are threatening their job (directly or indirectly), or just plain doesn't like you, sometimes there aren't a lot of options.

Lynnette's avatar Lynnette
Lynnette said to MusicalMom 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

i agree but don't just lay down and take it.  I believe that you have to stand up for yourself otherwise people take you as being a patsy.  My office has a lot of "secrets" for things that should not be secrets.  Why? I have no clue.  So the other day i sent my boss an email about a show that will be happening end of February which we have not participated in years but i heard through the grapevine that we were going to... he did not respond which is very typical of him.  So when i was at lunch he showed up making jokes and it was my opportunity to ask him again.  He said ... you did not need to send me an email, just ask me.  I told him: first, i never see u and two for some unforsaken reason people feel that they should keep information from the rest of the division when we must plan for this event in order to be succesful when the customers come.  An official memo should be in order.  He mumbled something and had someone do exactly that.  My problem is not with him he is sort of a good guy although goofy at times but he is workable.  My problem is the woman he chose to be our Director.  She is the one afraid to talk or discuss events because he does not allow her to make decisions and the few times that she has done that, he has been very critical.  However she has preference for a group of people, the yuppies.  When there is an event this certain group are the only ones invited although we are a team of more than just those few.  I do not care for outside activities anymore, been there, done that, but it smells bad.  The last one was a Xmas lunch from a vendor that we all work with.  I was pissed and told them so w/a copy to HR.  My superiors come from other countries where the resumes get a photo stapled to the top of the page.  I told them there are other rules in this country.  They ask personal questions at the interview, are u married, have children, who will take care of them.  If you have no children, are u planning to have some, when.... WHAT??? I used to be a paralegal so they are afraid of my law knowledge and leave me alone.  I also feel that when one is a supervisor having clicks in the office is inappropriate.  Clicks being partying and having special lunches and dinners with "the chosen ones"  Finally i decided to just let it go, i am now in another office away from all the grind, etc. and it is sure better on my nerves.  Office gossip is everywhere.  I have been working for more than 42 years and everyplace is the same.  But fight for your rights, however way it works for u otherwise the bullies will get you out of a job.

stjerome's avatar stjerome
stjerome said to dynamomma 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Years ago, I did something similar to your approach to the back-stabbing guy you'd "apparently pissed off." I learned of a rumor that I was having an affair with a woman on staff, and I had a pretty good idea which part of the manufacturing plant it was coming from. So, about a week later, I was talking to someone near that group, turned to go back to my office on the next floor, but stopped and turned back to that group and said "Oh, my gosh, you won't believe the rumor I heard. It's so funny." When I told them what it was everyone went silent, a couple eventually said "That's horrible." I agreed but was still laughing when I walked away. The next day, the person I suspected resigned.

 

geralyne's avatar geralyne
geralyne said to dynamomma 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Hi Dynamomma, 

I love your response! Thanks, G.

Bear123's avatar Bear123
Bear123 said to Autumn 01/03/2010, 02:59AM new!

Great Advice !!

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