Vibrant Nation

Hello,As I opened this website to just simply view what it's all about my eye immediately went to your post--it hit home (the introduction that is)--to say my relationship with my adult daughter is "rocky" can't begin to describe it--in my case a granddaughter is also in the middle--I don't mind explaining further but it will take lots of time--I am in therapy for it and to put it as simply as possible (and these things are anything but simple--in fact ultra complex would best describe mine--hence the therapy intervention just to help me try to survive it )--I am counseled to leave it alone other than short, brief conversations--no advice giving (I was huge on that and still find it difficult standing by and just watching bad decisions being made), but therapist maintains that inspite of my years and years of thick involvement that to spend so much time now trying to change or fix things that I no longer have any control over is pointless --it is taking some time but I am finally at least seeing that.  So more to the point while it certainly sounds as though you have a much different situatiion the advice probably is similar--I think that the thought is that the more you say, the less you appear involved the better off the outcome. That being said I have to say that I see no improvements pending for our relationship (my daughter and mine) to be improved but it does lower the volume for my stress level to some degree. Of course my situation may be very very much more complex than yours it may be at least a start for you to begin doing some soul searching as to where you want it to all end up.  Maybe we can communicate further .  Thank you and would love your feedback as well. Charlotte (I haven't registered yet for this site but am reading further)

your daughter obviously wants to be in this relationship and it will end eventually, nobody can withstand so much drama in their lives w/o consecuences.  Sometimes it is best not to even know about what is going on, "out of site, out of mind".  Because if you do know then it hurts.  Separate yourself from it and pray that she will come around.

I think she will come to see the truth about him and it will be so much easier to leave if she knows she has a supportive family network. Isolation is one of the techniques abusers count on.

As with most people, the more they are told by others that they should get out of the relationship, the more stubborn they will be to stay in it....I did that for 28 years!! And the more I got nagged, the more I hid from everyone and the more I pretended that everything was just fine.   My advice would be to pray pray pray for your daughter, be supportive and helpful in any way you can, and DROP all advice!!!  Just send her a note, apologize if you have to, and tell her you are there to help with anything she needs. (Babysitting, food, money, etc.) Even pretend to like the guy, regain her trust, rebuild your relationship, and then, IF and WHEN she needs you, she will know you are there for her. YOU cannot save her, YOU cannot change her, SHE has to do it for herself, but she NEEDS her family. The more support she gets, the happier she will be and life will be better for your granddaugher, too. I only got out of my bad marriage with the help of God and my parents support, evenone else wasnt there for me.

We as parents hate the thought that someone is hurting our children, however the man she is with is of her own choosing. Letting our children have their way in relationships are hard, but still their choice! My mother stayed with my father who she is married to, and i didn't understand why, he was abusive. Did i love my father ,yes and no. For me when I gottten married and my husband started that abuse, my call was 911 and signed the papers. No male is worth it. This culture still plays down abuse more than you think. We must train our children to stand, not when they're18 and older, but from the womb. They watch us and other females around them make excuses for the abuser so many times, and the "the church" makes the female feel like it's her doing. And yes there are males that get abused also. Check what you watch on t.v., videos, mags, news papers and hollywood, and your own conduct also. This is a learned behavior. Just my piont of view.