My Blog Circle:

• Marrying George Clooney

I was a terrible kid. I was an awful, awful kid. I did drugs and I stole. I dropped out of high school. I was very unhappy. I would wager that a lot of kids who lived in my area were also very unhappy. But, just like menopause, it’s not something you talk about. You don’t go around going, “Wow I can’t wait to do another Quaalude.”  My parents were much better parents as I got older, and I was a much better daughter when I got older. But they were frightened for me. They were very, very frightened for me and the life I was choosing. And I didn’t like them. I didn’t want to be around them. My mother was very selfish. My brother is ten years older than me, so we didn’t really have a camaraderie or a connection.

I actually liked my father tremendously. My dad was a very, very generous, loving, kind man. And my mother was very different than he was. And I think that they had a very sexy, loving, wonderful marriage—a very passionate marriage—which didn’t always make for great parenting.

I believe there are no accidents, and I would not be who I am today if things had been different. Had my mother loved me better, had my parents loved me more, had I had a different relationship with my brother, had I been a kid who was really happy growing up I wouldn’t be where I am today. I also don’t think I would have the passion for really wanting other women to step into their shoes. Because I felt so alone and I felt my mother really didn’t have that spirit. And I was determined to be completely different than her.

I had what felt almost like an out-of-body experience once. I was alone in a hotel, it was very late. I got up to go pee and I passed my image in this full-length mirror. And I was taken aback, because all my life I was so afraid I’d become my mother, and in that one moment I realized that I in fact became the woman she always wanted to be.

I called my husband and woke him up and I said, “You’ll never believe who I am.” And he was ready to go, “Okay look. I’ve got my cell phone here and I’m going to call 9-1-1. Just stay put.” Really! It was one of those moments for him where he thought, “Okay. I’m ready.” But it was a really big moment for me because I was also able to become a woman in that moment.

There's so much about going through menopause and midlife in and of itself which was really difficult. And then there’s the other component when a parent or a husband or a partner becomes ill. And my mother’s dementia, which really came on rapidly. Menopause was a walk in the park compared to that. It was extraordinary to watch a person go from being very, very vibrant to literally not wanting to be in their own body.

How did you get to where you are now?

Purely good looks. ;-)

Actually, I got to where I am today through being married to an extraordinary guy, to not having a very good relationship with my family, and to wanting to help women awaken to their greatness.

My husband, Ken, and I met on a movie that I co-wrote called Mr. Wonderful. He was the camera man. He was on a crane and I was standing and leaning against a wall. We looked at each other at the same moment. I thought he was so sexy.

And then  through complete serendipity a mutual friend of ours asked us both to join him for drinks that night. And I just liked Ken so much when I met him. Three months later, he asked me to marry him. Much to his dismay, actually, because on the first date he said he was never going to get married again. And I thought, “Look, I just want wine.” That was the first thing he said, “I just want you to know I’m never getting married again.” And I thought, “Okay. Wow, let’s go from there.” And we’ve been together for 16 years.

I was his third wife. I had never been married. Our life changed drastically. Ken and I are completely opposite. He’s an organic gardener. When I first started living here in the woods I literally made him put up so many lights that he actually said to me, “I feel like I’m living in the Epcot Center.” You know, a deer would cross the path and a bell would go off. Because I was afraid. And we’re just totally opposite. We’re completely different, and I’ve learned to fall in love madly with what he does. And he has learned to fall in love with what I do. And we like each other and respect each other a lot. I think that’s really the key. We’re totally and completely opposite.

Plus, he sleeps and I don't. And he’s a very organic, very natural human being; very clean; loves clean food. I can go to McDonald’s and I don’t tell him when I do that, but he finds the bag. Stuff like that.

Ken actually said to me, “I wish that I could be your laptop." Because he goes to bed and the laptop is on my lap. He wakes up and there’s the laptop. I am with my iMac on my iLap, keeping me warm. He just would love to be an iKen!

How do you see yourself differently now than you did 10 years ago?

I care less now about what people think about me. I care more about who I’m going to be at the end of my life. I think more about being generous of spirit rather than generous financially.

Suzanne Braun Levine  coined the phrase “the fuck you 50s.” And when I first read that, I thought, “Wow, what does that mean?” And now I totally get it. I completely get it. You know, you go to bed and there are 40 people in your life, and you wake up thinking, “I only want three of these people really.”

I have fallen more in love with my husband in the last ten years because I’ve seen this man through great kindness watching me have major nut dances and becoming the devil doll on a dime. And so I’ve grown to really appreciate men more. And I’ve grown to really appreciate the fact that men—really, really good, kind men—are all around.

The biggest lesson for me is that I’ve spent a good chunk of my time trying to mend relationships. Always “Oh I’ve got to make this right. I’ve got to make this right,” and realizing that some relationships will never mend—ever. So no matter what you do you’re just going to spend so much time and energy trying to fix something that is not ever going to be fixed. And realizing wholeheartedly that the thing that you really do need to see is what is being illuminated in that relationship is how much you don’t like yourself. Or how much you don’t think you’re good enough. And the minute I could do that, it became a very different journey for me.

For most of the women I know who are in their 50s going into 60, same exact issue. It is so profoundly hard to say no. Because you’re afraid, “Oh my God, what if I say ‘no’ and this person doesn’t like me?” I really believe chances are you don’t like them either.

I think that there are a lot of people that are very afraid of letting go of things or feeling that the idea of sharing something will take away from them. And I think that a lot of people who are experiencing something very different right now. And I would imagine that having Obama is helping us see that.

I know that there are a lot of people who felt like he should not have won the Nobel Prize, that it was too early. But I was one of the people who felt like I had also been given the Nobel Prize. Like I thought, “Wow! America is being recognized right now after so many years of being looked at as this evil empire.” So you know, I think that people have a different generosity of spirit.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I see myself in Paris with George Clooney -- but Ken is on a plane coming to visit, because you KNOW it won't last with George! I mean, how could it? I’m not under the age of 20 and I’m not 5’10 and I don’t speak Italian.

And even if George eventually came around and recognized the value of mature partners, we're talking more than likely he would be on Aricept at that point.

George has a great sense of humor, and I think he would actually truly love this book once he understood that it has nothing to do with stalking, that he's in one chapter but that the book is really about relationships. I think it would make him laugh. And I think it would maybe even give him a renewed respect for women over 50.

In reality, I would love to be here in my house in Pennsylvania, which is what I love, with my husband being very healthy and happy. I would like very much for Ken to be healthy and happy in ten years. I would like to be writing, continuously writing, and helping women. And having a lot of great women around me.

don't take things so personal. be kinder to yourself. love yourself better and more. pay attention, not to everyone else's opinion of you, but to your own feelings. always say thank you. care less about what others think, more about yourself. and no, it is not noble to ALWAYS put others first or before you.

be bold, audacious, and live your life out loud. and like - really like- the man or woman you end up with. 

tina smith, ken ferris, amy friedman, amy litzenberger, kedren werner, peter werner, frances gould-naftal, meryl streep, edie falco, karen kontizas.